Writing an email: A Guide for the Anxiety Sufferer

Part 2 of my Mental Health series of guides. Part 1 is here.

In the modern world we no longer have to fear our crippling social anxiety. Why, just a few clicks away we can find literally tens, maybe even several tens, of people on the Internet who are ready, willing and able to talk to us using our typed words. No more face to face interaction where you worry about having this conversation:

“Hey! How are you doing? You look fantastic. Have you been working out?”

“I need to report a fire.”

“Oh my god? Is there a fire?”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH!”

Believe it or not, this was based on an actual phone conversation by a social anxiety sufferer. But now, in our modern world, we no longer have to have actual conversations. Through email, text messaging, message boards and guttural mutterings on Tumblr about your cat it’s a Brave New World.  Now you too can be brave, if you follow these simple instructions.

First open your email. For some, this may be the most difficult part of the process because buried deep within an inbox are:

• Messages from your mother wondering why you never call.
• Messages from your ex wondering why you keep calling at 2 a.m. and driving by her apartment while wearing a bunny mask.
• Zero notifications for friend requests from Facebook. (We’ll address crushing loneliness in a future guide.)
• A message from Amazon telling you recommendations based on your purchases.  This may be your most socially satisfying encounter all week, so you will leave that unread for a few days. Amazon gets you. They just get you.

Once your email is open you will now need to select the compose command. Before you click this you will need to get up a few times and ask yourself a few questions:

• What if your recipient doesn’t want to hear from you and this is all a horrible mistake?
• What if your recipient does want to hear from you but you say the wrong things and this is all a horrible mistake?
• What if you type in the address incorrectly and you accidentally send it to the wrong person?
• What if the recipient never replies?
• What if the recipient replies but makes fun of you for all the obvious reasons?
• What if the recipient responds but tells you to stop emailing?
• What if you get an out of office notification?
• What if you respond to the out of office notification apologizing for trying to contact the recipient while he or she is out?
• What if you realize how stupid it was to send a reply to an out of office notification so you try to recall the message?
• What if you realize that recalling the message somehow signifies weakness and will only compel the recipient to read the original message so you send another email apologizing for the recall and for responding to the out of office notification?
• What if you send another email apologizing for all of the apology emails?

As you can see, using email is a complex and important responsibility that must not be taken lightly. Once you have gauged your reaction to all of the above possibilities and have carefully detailed every single possible reaction to each one of the situations you are ready to hit the compose command.

Enter your recipient’s email. If you are a highly functioning anxious person you will have already had the email address in your contacts. However, most anxious people realize the impermanence of all relationships. And, really, are you worth having a relationship with anyway? It’s probably best not to keep contacts. That seems pretty optimistic of you, doesn’t it? Besides, most of them are Amazon addresses anyway. They just get you. Don’t they? I know.

Once you have entered the email address and checked it at least seventeen times for spelling and domain errors, double checked the BCC box to ensure that you haven’t accidentally inserted someone else’s address who will obviously wonder what is wrong with you for sending this email in the first place, you are ready to enter a subject.

The subject of an email is very important for an anxious person. Obviously you don’t want to seem too needy so you must resolve to make the email about the recipient. Let’s say you are emailing to talk about possibly going to a concert, even though it’s pretty obvious that no one will want to go with you. Still, it’s worth trying, right? Right. It’s probably not, but our therapist says it is, right? Right. Besides, you really love the band so it’s probably a good idea to get out in public. Is it a general admission show? Do you go to general admission shows? Without assigned seating there’s so much pressure on where to stand and you never even know if it’s a good spot. Plus, you know, if you leave to go to the bar some random guy might be standing in your spot when you get back. So, obviously, the subject of the email should be “Hey, What’s Up?”

Now we have gotten to the body of the email. This is probably the most important part of the process. First, go get your hand written notes that you started on a napkin from the coffee shop. You’ve already gotten the bullet points for the email:

• Hey
• This is X (it’s important to check to see if he or she remembers you)
• What’s up (reiterating the subject line is very important)
• This is probably a stupid question
• Do you want to go to this concert with me?
• No big deal if you don’t want to go
• I understand
• I don’t really want to go anyway
• I’m sorry for emailing you

Excellent! You have your message planned out. Now is the important part: write it out in a friendly, warm, confident voice. Obviously you don’t want to use your actual voice. Who wants to hear how you write? It’s best to find someone popular whose voice you can emulate. That way you have less of a chance of rejection.

Good! It’s all written out? Are you ready to send? Of course not. Delete the email. Your recipient doesn’t want to hear from you anyway. This was a bad idea. You really want to go to the concert don’t you? You do. Start the process over. Delete it. This is pointless. No one wants to go to a concert with you. You’re miserable company. But, you know, maybe the recipient would like you despite your many, many faults that you will be willing to list on the outing. Start the process over again. Now delete the email again. Walk around your home for about an hour fretting. Aren’t you happier when you’re alone? It’s so much easier without other people. Plus, your cat understands you so well. And what about Amazon? They just get you.

NO! No. You do this to yourself all the time! It’s time to take control of your life. You are going to write this email. Now sit down and write it.

“Concert! Me go you? Sorry.”

Hit send.

Congratulations! You have successfully sent an email. That wasn’t too bad, was it? It only took six hours. Now you must wait for a response. The best way to do this is to sit at your computer and simply wait, hitting send/receive obsessively every few seconds or staring at the screen really hard. If your recipient hasn’t replied in a few minutes it’s possible that he or she didn’t get the message. He or she could have been struck by a truck while crossing a street. Maybe he or she read your message and decided not to reply because, really, why bother? Maybe you should call him or her? No. Not that. Anything but that.

At this point you should get up and walk around. Contemplate your friendship with the recipient. Perhaps question all of your relationships. You never really know why someone likes you, do you? Or does he or she really like you at all? It’s hard to tell. Maybe you should send a follow up email checking to see if the recipient received the first email. It’s only midnight now and you don’t have to be at work until eight. You have plenty of time to write a new email.

With the wonders of modern technology all the worry has been taken out of communication. Welcome to an anxiety free century!

Unpacking Trauma

I don’t think I was depressed as a child. At least I don’t think I thought as a child I was depressed. But looking back through the brilliant prism of decades of experience I suppose I was. What I considered myself to be back then was a terrific liar. I created a wonderful and colorful background for myself that hid how lonely and sad I was. I can say for certain that I held that veil of secrecy above me from about the age of five until roughly twenty minutes ago.

I don’t recall what I was like before I was five. I assume I was happy. My family was very happy. We were stable, caring and supportive. My siblings were abusive; it’s true, but in a way siblings are supposed to be abusive. I can honestly say that I was not traumatized by my childhood or my upbringing.

Or maybe not…

Two days before Thanksgiving in 1978 my father asked me if I wanted to return football equipment with him after dinner. He was a little league football coach in addition to doing whatever his job was. As far as I was concerned he was an epic human being that lived a life that was so illustrious and bizarre that it simply could not be contained by a mere job description.

He used to play hockey for the St. Louis Blues but couldn’t ice skate. He was so good that the team allowed him roller skates. He played for a while but was fired because the puck kept going between the wheels of his skates.

He was a cowboy soldier. I have no idea what a cowboy soldier did but I knew it was awesome.

He was once an Admiral in the Bolivian Navy.

He was bayoneted in the chest in the Korean War. That’s why he had that nasty scar on his chest.

I would never have the chance to figure out the absurdity of the hockey story or find out that there is no such thing as a cowboy soldier. I didn’t know that Bolivia was a landlocked country that didn’t have a navy (though it does now…still landlocked though). I wouldn’t find out for another fifteen years that, while my dad had been in the Korean War that scar on his chest was from scrambling over a barbed wire fence running away from the Chicago police for stealing bottles for deposit so he could go see a movie. Admittedly I think that story is actually cooler than the bayonetting story.

I went on believe these stories for years because shortly after we left with a car full of football equipment my dad pulled the car over and asked me to roll down the windows to let the freezing cold in. He was unbuttoning his coat and his shirt, exposing the white undershirt he always wore—as all men of his generation wore.

A colleague of my father’s was following us with more equipment. He came to the window, talked to my dad for a few seconds. Without even realizing what was going on I was suddenly in the backseat, my father was slumping against the inside of the passenger door and his friend driving our Impala station wagon, speeding through traffic.

For the next hour, or more I honestly don’t know, I was alone in a hospital waiting room with my dad’s friend. These were the days before cell phones and my mother wasn’t home. I spent the time being given money by people to get sodas out of the soda machine and I distinctly remember having to pee.

A nurse came and shuffled me into exam room #6 where my father was stripped of his shirt, pale, sweating and hooked to machines I didn’t understand.

He wanted to make sure his little boy was okay.

That was the last time I saw my father alive. Turns out old cowboy soldiers die too.

I lived every child’s nightmare. I was alone with a parent when they had a fatal heart attack.

This moment informed everything that happened in my life after that. I can trace my anxiety back to then. I can trace a wide-variety of my fears back to that day—one of which would come true seventeen years later when my mother died.

Was I sad? Of course. How deeply had it affected me? Well that Easter I drew coffins on the Easter eggs, which terrified my mother. She was reassured that it was normal. I was just processing grief that was difficult for me to express.

Oh how the children endure.

I never considered it a trauma. The swirling sadnesses that followed me for years I never registered as depressions and no one knew I had those feelings because I swallowed them all. Me. A kid from an Irish family that has no fear expressing every emotion. A family that openly cries and comforts one another. I was going through an anxious, depressed hell and I never told anyone. I didn’t tell my friends, family, girlfriends…no one really knew about any of it until I started dating the woman who is now my wife.

I was never suicidal, though I tried several times to strangle myself. Note: It doesn’t work. Of course, you know that. I didn’t. I’ve never abused (or done, actually) any drugs. I never drank too much. Let’s face it; I just don’t have the dedication or perseverance to be any sort of –holic.

I didn’t see a therapist until I was thirty six. How’s that for taking care of yourself? Just push it down until no one can see it. No one needs to know…So I learned to act. I learned to be a happy person. Hell, I was outright go-lucky. Outside of me I was just a sweet, funny, loveable guy. Inside I was a torrent of self-hatred and worthless feelings.

Still…I can’t consider it trauma. I’ve talked to people who have endured horrible trauma. Truly horrific traumas. They have trauma. I had an unfortunate turn of events. Parents are supposed to die. So mine died young. That’s not trauma. That’s learning that the Universe is a dark, cold and uncaring place as part of kindergarten.

It’s not trauma if I say it’s not trauma, right?

So here I am. I’m much older than I should be at this point in my life. I lie my way through most relationships. (“I’m fine! Don’t worry! It’s not like I’m going to the party because I’m terrified to enter a social situation.”)

Here I am trying not to lie anymore about being depressed, about having ferocious anxiety, about how my brain is constantly telling me I’m terrible. I’ve decided I’m going to be open about it. Thus far I’ve smartly removed several people from my life who just making things worse. I’ve cut out people who simply refuse to believe I’m depressed. I should just cheer up, right?

So how am I doing? Well…I’m out of bed and enjoying the sun today. I lie a little less every day. Want some fudge?

The Guide to Living With a Depressed Person™

Congratulations! You are now a proud owner of a Depressed Person™! This is a very exciting period of time for you as you unpack and understand your new living companion. While he may look like the previous model, Regular Person™, there are some key features of this model that are important to understand before you start using the product:

• Dread—While Regular Person seemed to enjoy and look forward to things such as concerts, dinners and breathing, Depressed Person finds no joy in anything. Anything Regular Person happened to love is now a chore for Depressed Person. No more of that annoying happiness over simple things like “a good day.” With Dread your new Depressed Person can now find nothing worthwhile to get excited about. What a load off!
• Low Energy—Regular Person is a high energy, high consumption product and we understand that sometimes they are difficult to manage. With Depressed Person those worries are no more! Depressed Person doesn’t really feel like doing anything anyway, so he comes with a lower appetite for food—so no more worry about those consumption costs. Note: Depressed Person may have an unquenchable need for a variety of non-food items including beer, vodka, marijuana or any other substance that may provide brief moments of joy followed by crushing loneliness.  Note 2: There are some models of Depressed Person that come with our patented Comfort Mode. In this mode Depressed Person will only find joy through eating all the ice cream in the house. This is not a glitch. However if your model is stuck in Comfort Mode you can send him to our repair shop once a week for an hour-long repair (rates vary). There is no guarantee of success nor an estimated time for completion of turning off Comfort Mode.
• Self-Hatred—Don’t think that your new Depressed Person has had all of our patented Passion removed. Quite the contrary! This new model is passionate about many things. For example: how worthless he is; reviewing every past mistake in nauseating detail; flashing back to horrid traumas; turning past triumphs into failures; destruction of relationships; coming up with new and unique ways to suffer, such as being kicked to death by rabbits (a service in which Paul Gilmartin once specialized).
• The Trauma Circuit and Fear, Anger, Shame, Regret, Anxiety—Depressed Person is an extremely complex device and he comes with very complex features. Depressed Person’s Fear, Anger, Shame and Anxiety module is often triggered by its internal Trauma Circuit. Some Depressed Person models are installed with a Trauma Awareness model while others are not. It is important to know which model you have. The Trauma Circuit is delicate. It is important to know that it is there but it is recommended that it not be poked, prodded or pulled out without assistance of a professional repair consultant.
• Sleep Mode—Depressed Person now comes with a variable Sleep Mode. This will often allow you more time for yourself because Depressed Person may just go to sleep for hours and hours and not bother you at all! In fact, Depressed Person is at his best when in bed.
• No More Sex!—One of the chief complaints we received with our Regular Person is that all he wants to do is have sex. Depressed Person still wants that, somewhere deep within, but because of Dread, Low Energy and Self-Hatred sex becomes a low priority and sometimes triggers the Anxiety Module. In some cases Depressed Person will still have an interest in sex and a desire to be more like Regular Person. If you want Regular Person without the sex simply install our SSRI Libido Reduction System. Depressed Person will become Stable Person™, but often with a lack of sexual desire or ability to orgasm.
• Convertible—Depressed Person is a wholly convertible product. Though this feature is still in beta and should not be considered a stable build, Depressed Person has the capability to be converted into Regular Person. In order to do this you must purchase one of several recommended ingestible accessories that may or may not work for your model (it’s good to experiment!) and we highly recommend weekly visits to our repair shop. As with Comfort Mode there is no guarantee of success in the conversion to Regular Person nor is there a time table for turnaround on the conversion. NOTE: Many times Depressed Person will cycle back and forth between Regular Person and Depressed Person. There is no cause for alarm as this is a normal byproduct of the Depression Engine installed in Depressed Person. However, should you experience any Mania Generation we recommend you bring your Depressed Person to our repair facility for weekly repair and stabilization accessories.

WARNINGS: Depressed Person is a unique product and should be handled with care. There will be periods of listening to Joy Division, Radiohead, Pink Floyd, The Smiths and a wide variety of music that will produce within Depressed Person a sort of rocking back and forth quietness. This is normal behavior for this model. It is known as Melancholia and allows the Depressed Person to go into The Cave to regenerate. Please do not disturb Depressed Person while in a state of Melancholia unless you wish to risk damage. We make no warranties and assume no risks for the results of disturbing Depressed Person during Melancholia.

Welcome to Depressed Person!

So, you’ve got a Depressed Person! What a wonderful journey you have ahead of you. There are so many exciting adventures you can take with Depressed Person including, but not limited to:

• Why Do You Bother Staying With Me?
• I Have To Clean The Entire House Because Everything Is Terrible!
• I Don’t Know Why I’m Crying, and
• Sitting On The Shower Floor With The Hot Water Running Over Me Makes Me Feel Whole Again

Now that you’ve unpacked your Depressed Person and he is acclimating to his living conditions there are some import rules you need to understand in order to keep a properly functioning Depressed Person.

1. Do not tell Depressed Person to “just cheer up.” Depressed Person comes pre-installed with a desire to cheer up but does not have the onboard ability to do so. Remember, Depressed Person did not choose to be Depressed Person. He was built that way! Similar statements are “it’s all in your head,” “look on the bright side,” and “it could be worse.” NOTE: Comparing Depressed Person to any other type of Person will only lead to malfunctions.
2. Do not try to compete with Depressed Person when it comes to troubles and sadness. This may lead to a change in the internal operating system and will result in an unintended reboot as Severely Depressed Person™.
3. Do not make commands for happiness or motivation. Depressed Person is not built to respond to these commands. If you would like your Depressed Person to have happiness and motivation it is recommended that he visit a repair facility for weekly appointments and/or ingestible accessories.
4. It’s not about you! Remember that Depressed Person came with a set of features pre-installed. There is nothing you said or did that made Depressed Person a Depressed Person. They just are a Depressed Person.
5. It may not be about anything! There are some cases where there was a triggering situation that activated Depressed Person, such as losing a job. Many times Depressed Person is just Depressed Person. In these times it is important to support Depressed Person with love, comfort and understanding.
6. Depressed Person should have a built in wish to become Regular Person. If this onboard feature is not functioning it is important that Depressed Person visit a repair facility for weekly repairs to avoid conversion to Severely Depressed Person.*
7. Listen! While silence and heavy sighs are often the primary way Depressed Person communicates it is important to remember to listen to your Depressed Person. When Depressed Person talks openly it is good for the longevity of the product.
8. Talk to your Depressed Person! It is important that you talk to your Depressed Person and respond to his feelings and concerns with compassion, empathy, understanding and respect. This is also good for the longevity of the product.
9. TALK don’t TELL! As we mentioned above you must talk to your Depressed Person. It is important to understand that Depressed Person will not respond to TELLING. If you talk to Depressed Person about being Regular Person he will respond well (though sometimes with difficulty). However, if you TELL Depressed Person how to become Regular Person then you risk conversion to Angry Person™ or, worse, Severely Depressed Person.  Remember that Depressed Person has been preinstalled with Self-Hatred so when you tell him how he should be attaining his goal of becoming Regular Person then you will set off the Self-Hatred feature and Depressed Person will only see this as you pointing out his flaws or simply not understanding.

NOTE: It is also important that you do not put Regular Person on a pedestal. Regular Person is not a perfect product nor is it a better product. It is simply a product with a different set of features.

10. Remember that you cannot fix Depressed Person and make him Regular Person. Depressed Person is who he is and cannot be changed by external forces. In order for you to start the conversion process to Regular Person, Depressed Person must want to become Regular Person and pursue his path through the proper channels (including visits to a repair facility and sometimes ingestible accessories). If you believe that you can make Depressed Person into Regular Person on your own, without his cooperation or consent, it is suggested that you return the product immediately so he can find a loving home.

*If you are in a relationship with a Depressed Person who has no desire to become Regular Person it is suggested that you evaluate the relationship and if it is good for you to have this Depressed Person model. Though it may sound cruel to wonder if you should be in a relationship with a Depressed Person in this state it is important for you to understand that some Mental Health products can actually be damaging to others. Try to get your Depressed Person to a repair facility immediately. If he refuses any sort of repair assistance he may have a faulty upgrade ability. If your Depressed Person has a faulty upgrade module it may be best to consider other model options as a Depressed Person without upgrade ability can drag you into a spiral that ultimately can convert YOU into a Depressed Person yourself.  NOTE: This may be a controversial stance, but your well-being is just as valid and important as that of a Depressed Person.

With these few tips and tricks living with a Depressed Person can be a rich and rewarding life! Please use Depressed Person carefully and caringly. Remember our motto: We’re All Fucked Up In Some Way.

An Imminent Return

It should be noted that Science Fiction Twin, without the domain because I was too lazy to work on that, will be coming back. I'll still write about the usual stuff: kids, wife, bikes, etc. However, this stupid blog will now also be my place to document my slow discovery, admission and treatment with mental illness--primarily anxiety and depression but also the possibility that I have bipolar disorder. We'll find out.

Sure, it's cliched but at least it's better than getting drunk and starting a fight with a group of lawn gnomes.

Don't get too excited. I'm too lazy to design this page. Templates all the way!

How Long???

I need to start writing again. I'm just sayin'.

An Actual Update

Don't get excited. I made a video.


Unboxing the Monster: David Lynch Coffee from Gary O'Brien on Vimeo.

Justifying My Domain Registration

Gotta use the website periodically.



Merry Christmas to all the drunkards, junkies, half-wits, freaks, morons, outsiders and hobos.