An explanation on male bathroom etiquette in response to your post yesterday.
To begin with, you are correct, men do have bathroom rules. Very strict bathroom rules. Extremely strict. In fact, I believe they go beyond rules and go into strict dictatorship. Edicts. Unspoken proclamations (which wouldn’t be a proclamation, would it?). There is some cheering, but I’ll get to that.
What are the rules? Well, first we never go to the bathroom in groups. That’s a horrible idea and, in fact, may have historically led to the fact that women talk to each other between stalls. For men, except when it comes to drunken, public urination, this is a private moment (despite the fact that seven other men are usually standing next to you). If you need to talk, it can wait until outside of the bathroom.
I’ll walk you through a general trip to the bathroom. You walk in to survey the situation. You look at the urinals. Are they filled? Is there a line? How many people are there? Would you have to stand directly next to someone? If not, feel free to use the urinal.
Grouping, or coupling, is not considered good form. It doesn’t matter how close you and the man next to you are, common courtesy is to give at least one urinal space between you and the next man. If grouping is inevitable, check out the stalls. For some people avoiding grouping is because of homophobia. I need to dispel this. As a heterosexual male, are you interested in checking out a woman’s equipment while she’s urinating? It’s the same for homosexual males. They aren’t interested in your penis while you are urinating. And, most likely, they aren’t interested in you at all. Get over it.
Here now, for the first time, I am going to explain the real reason for avoidance of grouping. Stage fright. It’s a rarely discussed problem, but some men have stage fright while trying to urinate next to other people. It’s a natural fear, really. For these men, it is recommended that they use stalls.
A few caveats. One, your hands should never be above what you’re holding. Do not place them on the walls or anywhere else. It makes us feel better to know that someone is in control of the aim. LOOK FORWARD. Do not look anywhere else. It is acceptable to look at the ceiling so long as you don’t make eye contact with someone. Some bars are nice enough to have things to read attached to the wall, in order to give you the pretense of being occupied. Do NOT make any noise. Ever. No exclamations of relief, no comments on how long you’ve waited for this, no mention of the volume or color of your urine. If, for any reason, you need to unbuckle, unbutton and unzip completely, use the stall. Let’s face it; if you’re going that far in front of a line of other people, you’re an exhibitionist. Besides, it’s common courtesy.
Now, other men like to use the stall. There is nothing wrong with this. I am one of those men. It is not a badge of shame.
In fact, there are two reasons why I generally use the stalls. One, there is usually a shorter line. Two, at my home I keep my toilet in a small room where no one else is invited while I urinate. In fact, I don’t invite my closest friends and family to urinate with me, so why should I invite perfect strangers to do so as well? I like privacy.
And, finally, though we know it happens, we do not discuss the other activity that occurs in a public restroom. Ever. Period.
Except at work. In that case, if you know the guy in the stall and he’s been in there a while, it is acceptable for you and a large group of your friends to applaud for him when he flushes.
The reasons are two-fold. One, it’s funny. Two, there is a good chance that your friend will never do that at work ever again, thereby making your use of the public restroom more pleasant.
Discuss . . . But I don’t know why you’d want to.
Friday, March 26, 2004
Thursday, March 25, 2004
All in the Name of Science
This makes perfect sense. Now, if they would just find donuts on Venus, I'm totally set. (Via BoingBoing.)
Discuss
Discuss
I Have a New Love
It's Little Steven's Underground Garage. It recently went on the air in St. Louis. It's played across the country at various times and places. But, you can hear archived shows on the Internet.
And let me tell you. Wow. This is what radio is meant to be. I mean, really. This is what I've been trying to accomplish with every single tape and CD I've ever made for anyone. This is real radio. Songs from all over, all different eras and styles put together in a show. And damn, it's good. Where else could you hear the Ramones, Hollies, Courtney Love and Jet in one place, let alone in one hour of radio on one station. Where will you hear the Chesterfield Kings, the Ventures, Howlin' Wolf and Stiv Bators at all?
Exactly.
Here is a good example of a playlist:
Title: Anytime At All
Artist: Beatles
Title: Gladiator 29 BC
Artist: Waistcoats
Title: Open My Eyes
Artist: Nazz
Title: Circumstantial Evidence
Artist: Stiv Bators
Title: Hate to Say I Told You So
Artist: Hives
Title: Killing Floor
Artist: Howlin' Wolf
Title: All the Right Friends
Artist: R.E.M.
Title: Action
Artist: The Ventures
Title: Blue Jean Shuffle
Artist: Plas Johnson
Title: I Wanna Be Loved
Artist: Rolling Stones
Title: I Don't Think So
Artist: Gore Gore Girls
Title: Funky But Chic
Artist: David Johansen
Title: Let Me Take You There
Artist: Jarvis Humby
Title: Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor
Artist: Yardbirds
Title: Chicken Pickin'
Artist: Lonnie Mack
Title: Deathcar
Artist: Waistcoats
Title: Don't Throw Your Love Away
Artist: Searchers
Title: If I Fell
Artist: Paybacks
Title: Time For Heroes
Artist: Libertines
Title: Time Bomb
Artist: Ramones
Title: Sixty Years
Artist: Brian Setzer
Title: Cave In
Artist: Gruesomes
Title: Hard Cash
Artist: Waistcoats
Title: I Got a War
Artist: Gluecifer
Title: Cry in the Night
Artist: Q65
Title: Daddy Buy Me a Girl
Artist: Golden Earrings
Title: Dollhouse
Artist: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Title: Mile 77
Artist: Preston Wayne Four
Title: Jack's Day Off
Artist: Waistcoats
Title: Come See Me
Artist: Pretty Things
Title: (Ain't Nothin But A) House Party
Artist: J. Geils Band
Title: Devil With a Blue Dress
Artist: Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels
Title: Bye Bye Baby
Artist: Creatures of the Golden Dawn
Title: Innocent World
Artist: Iggy Pop
Title: Weekend
Artist: Kingsmen
Or this one:
Title: I Ain't Got You
Artist: Yardbirds
Title: Do You Remember Rock and Roll Radio
Artist: Ramones
Title: Please Mr. Postman
Artist: Beatles
Title: Ride
Artist: The Vines
Title: Clampdown
Artist: Clash
Title: Rock and Roll Babe
Artist: Cocktail Slippers
Title: Shanghied
Artist: Wailers
Title: Jeff's Boogie
Artist: Yardbirds
Title: Rock Around The Clock
Artist: Bill Haley & the Comets
Title: It's Gonna Take Some Time
Artist: Defectors
Title: Making Time
Artist: Creation
Title: Steppin' Out
Artist: Paul Revere and the Raiders
Title: Mono
Artist: Courtney Love
Title: Pigtails and Kneesocks
Artist: Greenhornes
Title: Galaxy Drive
Artist: Los Straitjackets
Title: Cold Hard Bitch
Artist: Jet
Title: Chinese Rocks
Artist: Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers
Title: My Boyfriend's Back
Artist: Angels
Title: Somewhere Nowhere
Artist: Chesterfield Kings
Title: Pay You Back With Interest
Artist: Hollies
Title: Point Panic
Artist: Surfaris
Title: Koko
Artist: Charlie Parker
Title: Lies of the Living Dead
Artist: Minus 5
Title: She Said Yeah
Artist: Larry Williams
Title: Believe
Artist: Charms
Title: Russian Roulette
Artist: Lords of the New Church
Title: Everybody Needs Somebody To Love
Artist: Rolling Stones
Title: Cave In
Artist: Gruesomes
Title: Pipe Bomb
Artist: Ben Vaughn
Title: Hold My Hand
Artist: Rutles
Title: In And Out Of My Life
Artist: Pandoras
Title: Come On Up
Artist: Rascals
Title: Detroit Slums
Artist: Back In Spades
Title: Soldier of Love
Artist: Arthur Alexander
Title: 3's A Crowd
Artist: Ventures
Listen at work. Listen at home. Listen in the car. Listen while you're in labor. It doesn't matter, just listen. It's that damn good. In fact, if you've ever been irritated by radio, and tired of not hearing the best music possible, here is an outlet. You ever wonder what the coolest song in the world is? You'll find it here. Past, present and future. In the process you'll hear good stories, learn a little bit about rock and roll and, for maybe the first time in a while, you'll find yourself jumping out of your chair.
In the few days I've been listening, Little Steven has managed to blow my music budget for six months.
And that, my friends, is a good thing.
Discuss
And let me tell you. Wow. This is what radio is meant to be. I mean, really. This is what I've been trying to accomplish with every single tape and CD I've ever made for anyone. This is real radio. Songs from all over, all different eras and styles put together in a show. And damn, it's good. Where else could you hear the Ramones, Hollies, Courtney Love and Jet in one place, let alone in one hour of radio on one station. Where will you hear the Chesterfield Kings, the Ventures, Howlin' Wolf and Stiv Bators at all?
Exactly.
Here is a good example of a playlist:
Title: Anytime At All
Artist: Beatles
Title: Gladiator 29 BC
Artist: Waistcoats
Title: Open My Eyes
Artist: Nazz
Title: Circumstantial Evidence
Artist: Stiv Bators
Title: Hate to Say I Told You So
Artist: Hives
Title: Killing Floor
Artist: Howlin' Wolf
Title: All the Right Friends
Artist: R.E.M.
Title: Action
Artist: The Ventures
Title: Blue Jean Shuffle
Artist: Plas Johnson
Title: I Wanna Be Loved
Artist: Rolling Stones
Title: I Don't Think So
Artist: Gore Gore Girls
Title: Funky But Chic
Artist: David Johansen
Title: Let Me Take You There
Artist: Jarvis Humby
Title: Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor
Artist: Yardbirds
Title: Chicken Pickin'
Artist: Lonnie Mack
Title: Deathcar
Artist: Waistcoats
Title: Don't Throw Your Love Away
Artist: Searchers
Title: If I Fell
Artist: Paybacks
Title: Time For Heroes
Artist: Libertines
Title: Time Bomb
Artist: Ramones
Title: Sixty Years
Artist: Brian Setzer
Title: Cave In
Artist: Gruesomes
Title: Hard Cash
Artist: Waistcoats
Title: I Got a War
Artist: Gluecifer
Title: Cry in the Night
Artist: Q65
Title: Daddy Buy Me a Girl
Artist: Golden Earrings
Title: Dollhouse
Artist: Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band
Title: Mile 77
Artist: Preston Wayne Four
Title: Jack's Day Off
Artist: Waistcoats
Title: Come See Me
Artist: Pretty Things
Title: (Ain't Nothin But A) House Party
Artist: J. Geils Band
Title: Devil With a Blue Dress
Artist: Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels
Title: Bye Bye Baby
Artist: Creatures of the Golden Dawn
Title: Innocent World
Artist: Iggy Pop
Title: Weekend
Artist: Kingsmen
Or this one:
Title: I Ain't Got You
Artist: Yardbirds
Title: Do You Remember Rock and Roll Radio
Artist: Ramones
Title: Please Mr. Postman
Artist: Beatles
Title: Ride
Artist: The Vines
Title: Clampdown
Artist: Clash
Title: Rock and Roll Babe
Artist: Cocktail Slippers
Title: Shanghied
Artist: Wailers
Title: Jeff's Boogie
Artist: Yardbirds
Title: Rock Around The Clock
Artist: Bill Haley & the Comets
Title: It's Gonna Take Some Time
Artist: Defectors
Title: Making Time
Artist: Creation
Title: Steppin' Out
Artist: Paul Revere and the Raiders
Title: Mono
Artist: Courtney Love
Title: Pigtails and Kneesocks
Artist: Greenhornes
Title: Galaxy Drive
Artist: Los Straitjackets
Title: Cold Hard Bitch
Artist: Jet
Title: Chinese Rocks
Artist: Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers
Title: My Boyfriend's Back
Artist: Angels
Title: Somewhere Nowhere
Artist: Chesterfield Kings
Title: Pay You Back With Interest
Artist: Hollies
Title: Point Panic
Artist: Surfaris
Title: Koko
Artist: Charlie Parker
Title: Lies of the Living Dead
Artist: Minus 5
Title: She Said Yeah
Artist: Larry Williams
Title: Believe
Artist: Charms
Title: Russian Roulette
Artist: Lords of the New Church
Title: Everybody Needs Somebody To Love
Artist: Rolling Stones
Title: Cave In
Artist: Gruesomes
Title: Pipe Bomb
Artist: Ben Vaughn
Title: Hold My Hand
Artist: Rutles
Title: In And Out Of My Life
Artist: Pandoras
Title: Come On Up
Artist: Rascals
Title: Detroit Slums
Artist: Back In Spades
Title: Soldier of Love
Artist: Arthur Alexander
Title: 3's A Crowd
Artist: Ventures
Listen at work. Listen at home. Listen in the car. Listen while you're in labor. It doesn't matter, just listen. It's that damn good. In fact, if you've ever been irritated by radio, and tired of not hearing the best music possible, here is an outlet. You ever wonder what the coolest song in the world is? You'll find it here. Past, present and future. In the process you'll hear good stories, learn a little bit about rock and roll and, for maybe the first time in a while, you'll find yourself jumping out of your chair.
In the few days I've been listening, Little Steven has managed to blow my music budget for six months.
And that, my friends, is a good thing.
Discuss
Seven Words I Thought I'd Never Hear
Exercise Guru Richard Simmons Cited for assault.
I mean, I expected it from Martha Stewart. But Richard Simmons?
I mean, I expected it from Martha Stewart. But Richard Simmons?
Star Trekkin’
This one’s for David. I had originally planned to write an in-depth analysis of the evolution of the word “yeah” in Rock and Roll. This would have been followed up with a treatise about the “Art of the Hey”. But, alas, this will not be the case.
Because, once again, Geek Press has sent me off in a different direction. Paul and Linkfilter brought this amazing, cool site to my attention.
William Shatner Sings! And so does Nichelle Nichols! And Leonard Nimoy! It is a website filled geeky goodness that, in some cases, will make you vomit.
Oh yes. This music is like discovering Brian Wilson’s lost SMiLE tapes. A brilliance that has been lost to the world has once again been found. Or, to tell the truth, I believe we all buried this and hoped that no one would ever bring it up again.
My review:
William Shatner. The. Greatest. Singer. Ever. Period.
Or, well, rhythmic talker.
First Bill, as we like to call him, takes on the Lennon/McCartney classic “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”. When the Beatles first released the song there was rampant discussion on whether or not the entire song was a reference to drugs. Acid, in specific. The arrangement here is like Leonard Bernstein and Burt Bacharach getting stoned with Alan Ginsburg and, well, William Shatner. After hearing Bill’s take on it I wished I had acid. There’s something about the way Bill belches, “a GIRL with CALIDOscope EYES!” Every line finishes with the same relieving gasp, as if he has just released an enormous bowel movement. Grade: B. Still recognizable as “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”.
Second, Bill takes on Dylan’s “Mr. Tambourine Man”. True, the Byrds had a hit with it. And, again, there was rampant discussion as to whether or not it was rife with drug references. But, in the hands of Bill Shatner, the song sounds like a man who has forgotten to take his Thorozine has wandered into a Renaissance Fair that was scored by Henry Mancini. Bill is screaming, imploring “Mr. Tambourine Man”. What makes the song fantastic is the fact that if it weren’t about drugs before, it is now. Mr. Shatner imbues the entire song with desperation of a man who needs to get stoned so bad that he’s willing to do anything. His jingle jangle morning is painful, sweating, filled with withdrawal. In fact, not only is he willing to be cast under Mr. Tambourine Man’s dancing spell. Bill PROMISES to go under it. And when he says he’s “not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to” it sounds like a thinly veiled threat. “Listen Mr. Tambourine man; give me what I want or I WON’T LEAVE.”
The next two songs, “The Transformed Man” and “Hamlet, It Was a Very Good Year” are tripe. Even compared to what we’ve already heard. “The Transformed Man” sounds like the narration of a Dragnet episode set to music. And, there is nothing good to say about “Hamlet”. The song, not the play. I felt the play was a wonderful family comedy.
But, then, we get to the brilliance. The beauty. The wonder. “Rocket Man”. Performed live, backed by Bernie Taupin himself, in front of the Science Fiction Awards. These. Are. Bill’s. People.
Even though Bernie told you what song they would be performing, when Bill starts, you aren’t quite sure Bernie was telling the truth. It’s abstract, arrhythmic. It’s frightening. And yet, exhilarating. It’s a freewheeling experiment in music, and I use the term loosely, that makes you happy to be alive. It was performed in the midst of the Disco era and it’s like Bill was saying, “I haven’t forgotten how to Rock and Roll, if that’s what you call this.”
But Bill was not the only Star Trek alum to have a recording career. No, Leonard Nimoy ventured into the world of psychedelic music, if psychedelic music is a white-bread, distilled, completely non-drug influenced music.
But “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” is so much more than that. I’m not quite sure what it is exactly, but I do know that it’s something. It’s hummable. And fun.
You can’t say the same for Nichelle Nichols, who sounds like she’s having sex with a Casio keyboard that is running low on batteries. Nichelle, never one to stray too far from her roots, is singing the theme from Star Trek. At least, I think it’s the theme from Star Trek. It sound vaguely like the sound a man makes during a colonoscopy.
Most Trekkies will tell you that the Star Trek theme had lyrics that were not used on the show. Those same Trekkies will also say that they don’t know what the hell Nichelle is singing here. The do know, however, that one minute and eight seconds into the song Nichelle Nichols does something to music that should never, ever have been done. Somewhere out in space those notes are still floating. And one day an alien culture will intercept them and come here to kill us. Mark my words.
Finally, there is “Star Trekkin’”. This isn’t by anyone in particular, and it certainly isn’t the Firm that consisted of Jimmy Page and Paul Rogers. Although, I have to be honest, I’m not sure “Radioactive” is any better song . . . Hell, that sounded like a bad hair band filtered through Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz”.
Now, when it comes time to talk to your kids about drugs, keep the Nichelle Nichols song on hand. Because if your discussions and threats don’t work, waking them up once at three a.m. by blasting the last thirty seconds of her version of “Star Trek” certainly will.
I’ve quit drinking, smoking, eating, breathing and growing for the rest of my life because I’m trying to burn the sonic memory of that squeal out of my brain.
Talk about scared straight.
Discuss Star Trek
Because, once again, Geek Press has sent me off in a different direction. Paul and Linkfilter brought this amazing, cool site to my attention.
William Shatner Sings! And so does Nichelle Nichols! And Leonard Nimoy! It is a website filled geeky goodness that, in some cases, will make you vomit.
Oh yes. This music is like discovering Brian Wilson’s lost SMiLE tapes. A brilliance that has been lost to the world has once again been found. Or, to tell the truth, I believe we all buried this and hoped that no one would ever bring it up again.
My review:
William Shatner. The. Greatest. Singer. Ever. Period.
Or, well, rhythmic talker.
First Bill, as we like to call him, takes on the Lennon/McCartney classic “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”. When the Beatles first released the song there was rampant discussion on whether or not the entire song was a reference to drugs. Acid, in specific. The arrangement here is like Leonard Bernstein and Burt Bacharach getting stoned with Alan Ginsburg and, well, William Shatner. After hearing Bill’s take on it I wished I had acid. There’s something about the way Bill belches, “a GIRL with CALIDOscope EYES!” Every line finishes with the same relieving gasp, as if he has just released an enormous bowel movement. Grade: B. Still recognizable as “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”.
Second, Bill takes on Dylan’s “Mr. Tambourine Man”. True, the Byrds had a hit with it. And, again, there was rampant discussion as to whether or not it was rife with drug references. But, in the hands of Bill Shatner, the song sounds like a man who has forgotten to take his Thorozine has wandered into a Renaissance Fair that was scored by Henry Mancini. Bill is screaming, imploring “Mr. Tambourine Man”. What makes the song fantastic is the fact that if it weren’t about drugs before, it is now. Mr. Shatner imbues the entire song with desperation of a man who needs to get stoned so bad that he’s willing to do anything. His jingle jangle morning is painful, sweating, filled with withdrawal. In fact, not only is he willing to be cast under Mr. Tambourine Man’s dancing spell. Bill PROMISES to go under it. And when he says he’s “not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to” it sounds like a thinly veiled threat. “Listen Mr. Tambourine man; give me what I want or I WON’T LEAVE.”
The next two songs, “The Transformed Man” and “Hamlet, It Was a Very Good Year” are tripe. Even compared to what we’ve already heard. “The Transformed Man” sounds like the narration of a Dragnet episode set to music. And, there is nothing good to say about “Hamlet”. The song, not the play. I felt the play was a wonderful family comedy.
But, then, we get to the brilliance. The beauty. The wonder. “Rocket Man”. Performed live, backed by Bernie Taupin himself, in front of the Science Fiction Awards. These. Are. Bill’s. People.
Even though Bernie told you what song they would be performing, when Bill starts, you aren’t quite sure Bernie was telling the truth. It’s abstract, arrhythmic. It’s frightening. And yet, exhilarating. It’s a freewheeling experiment in music, and I use the term loosely, that makes you happy to be alive. It was performed in the midst of the Disco era and it’s like Bill was saying, “I haven’t forgotten how to Rock and Roll, if that’s what you call this.”
But Bill was not the only Star Trek alum to have a recording career. No, Leonard Nimoy ventured into the world of psychedelic music, if psychedelic music is a white-bread, distilled, completely non-drug influenced music.
But “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” is so much more than that. I’m not quite sure what it is exactly, but I do know that it’s something. It’s hummable. And fun.
You can’t say the same for Nichelle Nichols, who sounds like she’s having sex with a Casio keyboard that is running low on batteries. Nichelle, never one to stray too far from her roots, is singing the theme from Star Trek. At least, I think it’s the theme from Star Trek. It sound vaguely like the sound a man makes during a colonoscopy.
Most Trekkies will tell you that the Star Trek theme had lyrics that were not used on the show. Those same Trekkies will also say that they don’t know what the hell Nichelle is singing here. The do know, however, that one minute and eight seconds into the song Nichelle Nichols does something to music that should never, ever have been done. Somewhere out in space those notes are still floating. And one day an alien culture will intercept them and come here to kill us. Mark my words.
Finally, there is “Star Trekkin’”. This isn’t by anyone in particular, and it certainly isn’t the Firm that consisted of Jimmy Page and Paul Rogers. Although, I have to be honest, I’m not sure “Radioactive” is any better song . . . Hell, that sounded like a bad hair band filtered through Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz”.
Now, when it comes time to talk to your kids about drugs, keep the Nichelle Nichols song on hand. Because if your discussions and threats don’t work, waking them up once at three a.m. by blasting the last thirty seconds of her version of “Star Trek” certainly will.
I’ve quit drinking, smoking, eating, breathing and growing for the rest of my life because I’m trying to burn the sonic memory of that squeal out of my brain.
Talk about scared straight.
Discuss Star Trek
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
A Friend
This is Einstein. He's a friend of mine from Michigan. Today Einstein has to spend about four hours with the doctor. He doesn't really want to, but he knows that it's for his own good.
Anyway, Eintstein's family is really worried about him. So I thought I'd ask you guys to keep snausages and dog treats in your thoughts today.
We want him to be able to get back to his favorite pastime as soon as possible. He's doing it in this picture. For fun, but also the greater common good, Einstein hunts down and kills escaped dolls from It's a Small World.
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