I’m back again! I’m in such a chipper holiday mood! I have many feelings I need to get off my chest.

Here’s a sticky situation, let’s see how you handle it.

I hate my job and love my family. One impedes my ability to commit myself to the other.

I’ll provide you background. Why do I hate my job? Well . . . I don’t feel as though I fit in. That’s one. It’s not a supportive environment. The work is mind numbing. The office is much too far from home. And more.

Why do I love my family? Well . . . that should be obvious.

Here’s where the disconnect comes in. Each day I wake up and trudge into a job that I find so emotionally draining that by the time I get home, I don’t want to do anything.

As it stands now, I get home right when dinner is ready. Gertrude is either asleep or hysterical. Kaitlyn is done with her homework Her friends have all gone home and she’s already sick of telling about her day. After dinner, we have about an hour before bath/bed time.

I feel like I’m missing out on something here. I feel gypped. Perhaps if I were in an industry that mattered to me, I’d feel differently. But, I don’t think I would.

Why? I see my full family for three hours a day. The rest of the time I’m either a work or one or more of us is asleep.

I want to be a dad. That’s all I want to be. I want to be a supportive father who is devoted to raising his children. I don’t want to be a ghost who brings home a paycheck every week. Granted, I want to be able to support my family financially, but at what cost? Missing their growth? Having to be told about their achievements over the phone?

It’s not worth it.

This isn’t a new problem. I’ve struggled with it for years. At one job I made it patently clear that I would not be out of town on Kaitlyn’s birthday. At another, I almost walked out because they, inexplicably, scheduled a meeting (that turned out to be pointless) for a Saturday (which is the only day of the weekend I get to see Kaitlyn. Sunday she’s at her dad’s.).

I’ve always made it clear that, for me, family comes first. If that means being stuck in a position for years then, so be it. I’m not much of a career guy. That’s not where I get my personal satisfaction.

Some people do. I respect them. However, I have yet to find a job that makes me feel good about myself. A job that I’m a proud to have. StreamSearch offered a little of that sensation. Though the company was tanking, I felt I was doing something exciting and useful. I also enjoyed it.

I worked a lot of hours at StreamSearch. But, you know what? I rarely felt that it impeded on my family. There were always balances. My co-workers understood. We balanced things out. They were happy that I wanted to be a committed dad.

Tell me, why is it a crime these days to want to be a committed parent? When did life’s importance shift from family to career? Why? What could possibly be more important than your family?

You can feed me a line of crap about society and the need for wealth or even Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. But it won’t change my mind. From the moment I wake up in the morning, to the moment I go to bed, everything I do is for the benefit of my family. Each keystroke at work, each minute spent in traffic.

But it’s not enough. I want to be there when the kids get off the bus. I don’t want to transfer that excitement to a daycare worker. I want to be there the second my child walks. I want to be there for each heartbreak, each achievement. I want to experience every up and down.

Most of all I never want to say, “Not now honey, daddy has work to do.”

I’ll never be that parent. Never.

All in all, I’m not sure what I’m rambling about. Sorry. I guess, in the end, I feel like I miss out on some of the best moments of the day in order to work on products that no one buys. My time at work is spent merely for money. It provides no emotional benefits.

Go ahead and tell me I’m selfhish, especially with troops overseas, far away from their home and families. Go ahead. It won’t change what I feel.

No, everything that is dear to me . . . everything that makes life matter for me is away from me right now. And you know what? I don’t like it. I’m selfish, perhaps. But, I know where my priorities lay. And those priorities are the three girls I’ve left behind each day in order to be here at my desk.

And I miss them.