I was joking with my wife yesterday and she realized suddenly that “Dad Humor” has not evolved much over the centuries. I’m sad to say that I must agree with her.

What’s “Dad Humor”? Well . . . long story short: “Pull My Finger” is the center of any dad’s repertoire.

True, it could be worse. We could be born without a sense of humor. Dads could be angry, quiet, simmering meanies who are bent on world domination. Instead, we decide to channel our energies into trying to impress our spouses and children with amazing jokes. It rarely works. However, as long as we are happy . . . then the entire world should be happy.

It’s not clear where Dad Humor started. However, it is not difficult to imagine cavemen sitting around a fire, chewing on Wooly Mammoth* burgers turning to one of his cavekids, saying, “Pull Gronk finger.”

However, millions of years ago, this probably was funny. This was before they had television, but after the invention of whoopee cushions.

What makes dads have such a bad sense of humor? And why does it lay dormant in men until they have children? There must be some sort of psychological need on the part of men to impress children.

It’ doesn’t stop at “pull my finger.” We were driving the other day and Kaitlyn told us that whenever you hear a ringing sound, that means there’s a ghost in the car. It got quiet for a second and then I set off my cell phone. That kid almost jumped through the roof of the car. I laughed.

That’s what’s so amusing about Dad Humor. It’s only funny to dad. Does anyone really think it’s funny when his or her dad farts? It’s doubtful. And if they do, they need to have their head examined.

No, I think it’s a latent need on the part of dad to prove that he still has worth. Think about it. The kids are the cute ones. Moms get all the kudos for raising kids. Dads . . . are pack mules. So, they have to do something to draw attention to themselves. They resort to farting. Sad, isn’t it?

But, be warned. Dad Humor is only the beginning. Eventually no one pays attention to dad’s jokes and he’s forced to do other things to draw attention to himself. Sometimes it’s a healthy outlet like painting the house, or mowing the lawn. Things to be proud of.

Other times . . . it’s more pathetic. For example, how many dads are proud of the number of suitors for their daughters they’ve driven off? Their kids hate them, but other dads are impressed.

Remember those pictures of your dad, where he was wearing a cool suit? Or when you found out he had a tattoo or went to Woodstock? Well . . . compare that with your dad in the powder blue pants with elastic waistband. Or the fact that he wears flaming red shorts** with black socks and sandals. What about the Hawaiian shirts that he wore to your graduation? (Side note: Peacocks are attracted to men in red shorts. It’s a scientific fact.)

All this time you thought it was because he’s a dork. Not so. Dad needed validation. Sure, it comes in the form of being the idiot who wore a t-shirt that said, “Kiss the Cook” to your wedding, but the fact remains that people were talking about him. Yes, dads do this for attention.

We’re screaming out for your approval.

So the next time you see a dad dancing to “YMCA” in the mall and the kids are running away screaming, go up to him and say, “You’re a good dad.” He’ll thank you. His kids will thank you.

I have to go now. I just bought really dark jeans with extra-gold stitching and a giant belt buckle to wear to Kaitlyn’s Father-Daughter Valentine’s dance. She’ll be sorry that she didn’t want Mickey pancakes for breakfast. Mwhahahahahahahahaha.



*Don’t send emails. I KNOW they didn’t co-exist. I’m not a paleontologist. Though, once I pretended to be one to impress a girl at a bar. She wasn’t impressed. She thought I helped people clear up bladder infections.

**Sorry Ed.