Long time, no blog. Obviously I’ve been mourning the loss of my Fargo snow globe. It was a sad day. Everyone should join me in my sadness. Last night, I was tallying my billable hours for February and it simply exploded. Sadness covers the land.

Good news! The computer is back and moving at lightening speeds! I’ve never been happier. Okay, that’s not true. I’ve never been more suspicious. This was the third time it died. One more and I bring out the shotgun.

So, I’ve been following the news. Escalations in the violence in the Middle East, more American deaths in Afghanistan, rumors of a nuclear threat on New York.

I keep looking at my infant daughter thinking, “Maybe you can fix this some day, huh? Generations have tried, but greed, stupidity and arrogance have gotten the better of us. Maybe your generation can learn how to inhabit this little planet without choking it with smoke, radiation and hatred.” She spit up. Not great art, but great criticism.

I feel guilty for leaving this world to my children. Though it is not of my making, and certainly not what I want, those who are in charge of this planet can’t seem to get it together. Maybe Gertrude will develop a superpower and stop all this crap.

All of this has made me forget the little things I used to worry about. You know the $9.99 adage, “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff.”

Well . . . Last week I was reading Ann Landers. Or was it Dear Abby? I’m not sure it matters. Anyway, there was a letter from a concerned citizen who wanted to expose a heinous corporate crime far worse than Enron or the fact that Sony still pays Michael Jackson. This crime could have reverberations for generations to come. We should rebel. REBEL! Do not let this capitalistic pig dogs destroy our traditional American way of life!

What is this crime? His brand new toothbrush does not fit into the standard size toothbrush holder in his bathroom. Oh yes, you heard correctly. Modern toothbrush technology has advanced to such a state that it can no longer be held in place by antiquated bathroom technology.

Who, he wondered, is behind this? Who would do such a thing? What was wrong with the original size of the toothbrush? Hell, why did we have to switch to paste? Powder worked just fine.

Okay, so, I can understand this guy getting upset when he brings his brand new toothbrush home. Here he was, trying to obtain the height of dental hygiene while trying to avoid getting carpal tunnel syndrome. He bought the most ergonomic toothbrush that would reach his back teeth without straining his elbow tendons.

Damn! It doesn’t fit in the toothbrush holder!

And that’s where my ire would have ended. It’s possible, to show my anger to the industry, I would have bent the toothbrush a little. To disrespect these bathroom fixture Nazis. Perhaps I would have wondered if the fixture manufacturers and toothbrush manufacturers were in cahoots.

Can you see the meeting? A smoky room filled with fat, pale men. One side with gleaming teeth. They sit down and discuss how they can squeeze the last few cents of disposable income from the unsuspecting American public. Why, of course! Change the size of the toothbrush! Then all the dupes and morons will have to buy new bathroom fixtures! And you can’t just buy one bathroom fixture! No! You have to get a new set! Everything has to match! I’ll bet they even swapped stock under the table.

It’s not the fact that this guy was upset that bothered me. I understand his feelings, actually. However, he was so incensed that he felt the need to ALERT THE MEDIA.

I’m not sure if he’s noticed, but there are plenty of other issues to get passionate about. I’m sure there are issues in his own community that could stand some action on his part. Maybe he could lead a beautification crew. Maybe he could crack down on litter in the streets. Perhaps he could volunteer his time with troubled youth.

Screw that. My toothbrush is too big!

Hmm. I wonder why this world I’m handing off to Gertrude and Kaitlyn is so screwed up?

I don’t think they’ll have a problem handling it, though. With the new size of toothbrushes, their forearms will be powerfully strong. I have ever confidence they can cure the injustice of it all. Maybe they’ll start with the fact that hot dogs come in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Those bastards!