In the modern world we no longer have to fear our crippling
social anxiety. Why, just a few clicks away we can find literally tens, maybe
even several tens, of people on the Internet who are ready, willing and able to
talk to us using our typed words. No more face to face interaction where you
worry about having this conversation:
“Hey! How are you doing? You look fantastic. Have you been
working out?”
“I need to report a fire.”
“Oh my god? Is there a fire?”
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH!”
Believe it or not, this was based on an actual phone
conversation by a social anxiety sufferer. But now, in our modern world, we no
longer have to have actual conversations. Through email, text messaging, message
boards and guttural mutterings on Tumblr about your cat it’s a Brave New World.
Now you too can be brave, if you follow
these simple instructions.
First open your email. For some, this may be the most
difficult part of the process because buried deep within an inbox are:
- Messages from your mother
wondering why you never call.
- Messages from your ex
wondering why you keep calling at 2 a.m. and driving by her apartment
while wearing a bunny mask.
- Zero notifications for
friend requests from Facebook. (We’ll address crushing loneliness in a
future guide.)
- A message from Amazon telling you recommendations based on your purchases. This may be your most socially satisfying encounter all week, so you will leave that unread for a few days. Amazon gets you. They just get you.
Once your email is open you will now need to select the
compose command. Before you click this you will need to get up a few times and
ask yourself a few questions:
- What if your recipient
doesn’t want to hear from you and this is all a horrible mistake?
- What if your recipient
does want to hear from you but you say the wrong things and this is all a
horrible mistake?
- What if you type in the
address incorrectly and you accidentally send it to the wrong person?
- What if the recipient
never replies?
- What if the recipient
replies but makes fun of you for all the obvious reasons?
- What if the recipient
responds but tells you to stop emailing?
- What if you get an out of
office notification?
- What if you respond to the
out of office notification apologizing for trying to contact the recipient
while he or she is out?
- What if you realize how
stupid it was to send a reply to an out of office notification so you try
to recall the message?
- What if you realize that
recalling the message somehow signifies weakness and will only compel the
recipient to read the original message so you send another email
apologizing for the recall and
for responding to the out of office notification?
- What if you send another
email apologizing for all of the apology emails?
As you can see, using email is a complex and important
responsibility that must not be taken lightly. Once you have gauged your
reaction to all of the above possibilities and have carefully detailed every
single possible reaction to each one of the situations you are ready to hit the
compose command.
Enter your recipient’s email. If you are a highly
functioning anxious person you will have already had the email address in your
contacts. However, most anxious people realize the impermanence of all relationships.
And, really, are you worth having a relationship with anyway? It’s probably
best not to keep contacts. That seems pretty optimistic of you, doesn’t it?
Besides, most of them are Amazon addresses anyway. They just get you. Don’t they? I know.
Once you have entered the email address and checked it at
least seventeen times for spelling and domain errors, double checked the BCC
box to ensure that you haven’t accidentally inserted someone else’s address who
will obviously wonder what is wrong with you for sending this email in the
first place, you are ready to enter a subject.
The subject of an email is very important for an anxious
person. Obviously you don’t want to seem too needy so you must resolve to make
the email about the recipient. Let’s say you are emailing to talk about
possibly going to a concert, even though it’s pretty obvious that no one will
want to go with you. Still, it’s worth trying, right? Right. It’s probably not,
but our therapist says it is, right? Right. Besides, you really love the band
so it’s probably a good idea to get out in public. Is it a general admission
show? Do you go to general admission shows? Without assigned seating there’s so
much pressure on where to stand and you never even know if it’s a good spot.
Plus, you know, if you leave to go to the bar some random guy might be standing
in your spot when you get back. So, obviously, the subject of the email should
be “Hey, What’s Up?”
Now we have gotten to the body of the email. This is
probably the most important part of the process. First, go get your hand
written notes that you started on a napkin from the coffee shop. You’ve already
gotten the bullet points for the email:
- Hey
- This is X (it’s important
to check to see if he or she remembers you)
- What’s up (reiterating the
subject line is very important)
- This is probably a stupid
question
- Do you want to go to this
concert with me?
- No big deal if you don’t
want to go
- I understand
- I don’t really want to go
anyway
- I’m sorry for emailing you
Excellent! You have your message planned out. Now is the important
part: write it out in a friendly, warm, confident
voice. Obviously you don’t want to use your actual voice. Who wants to hear how
you write? It’s best to find someone popular whose voice you can emulate. That
way you have less of a chance of rejection.
Good! It’s all written out? Are you ready to send? Of course
not. Delete the email. Your recipient doesn’t want to hear from you anyway.
This was a bad idea. You really want to go to the concert don’t you? You do.
Start the process over. Delete it. This is pointless. No one wants to go to a
concert with you. You’re miserable company. But, you know, maybe the recipient would
like you despite your many, many faults that you will be willing to list on the
outing. Start the process over again. Now delete the email again. Walk around
your home for about an hour fretting. Aren’t you happier when you’re alone?
It’s so much easier without other people. Plus, your cat understands you so
well. And what about Amazon? They just get
you.
NO! No. You do this to yourself all the time! It’s time to
take control of your life. You are going to write this email. Now sit down and
write it.
“Concert! Me go you? Sorry.”
Hit send.
Congratulations! You have successfully sent an email. That
wasn’t too bad, was it? It only took six hours. Now you must wait for a
response. The best way to do this is to sit at your computer and simply wait,
hitting send/receive obsessively every few seconds or staring at the screen
really hard. If your recipient hasn’t replied in a few minutes it’s possible
that he or she didn’t get the message. He or she could have been struck by a
truck while crossing a street. Maybe he or she read your message and decided
not to reply because, really, why bother? Maybe you should call him or her? No.
Not that. Anything but that.
At this point you should get up and walk around. Contemplate
your friendship with the recipient. Perhaps question all of your relationships.
You never really know why someone likes you, do you? Or does he or she really
like you at all? It’s hard to tell. Maybe you should send a follow up email
checking to see if the recipient received the first email. It’s only midnight
now and you don’t have to be at work until eight. You have plenty of time to
write a new email.
With the wonders of modern technology all the worry has been
taken out of communication. Welcome to an anxiety free century!
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