Why am I not the subject of a reality television show? I think it would be rather interesting. You’ve already had “The Osbournes” which show a family at home (albeit a really odd one), “The Mole” where people try to figure out who’s screwing who, “Survivor” an ode to greed, deception and poor eating habits and, of course, “Big Brother” where people are trapped in a house with people that drive them nuts.

I propose they film my life and call it “The Freelancer.” You can see my odd family, watch me try and figure out which client is trying to screw me over rates, see me jump up and down when I get a check, run the clock while I’m surfing the net and eat Cheetos all the while being trapped in one room. My living room.

Oh, but you think it would be boring? That’s where you are wrong.

1. I have no one to talk to all day long, except for the cat and occasionally a group of seven-year-olds who wander in and out of the house. Often, I don’t know which one is mine. In fact, I once gave the wrong kid dinner. Now that’s funny! Watch me go nuts!
2. I get bored easily. Therefore, to burn off excess energy I feel the urge to dance. If you’ve ever seen me dance then, well . . . your problem not mine.
3. Ever watched someone cut paper up and paste it to other paper? It’s riveting, I tell you.
4. I have a theory that the long hours alone are sending me down the path of insanity. Wouldn’t you like to watch?
5. My pants, shirt and socks rarely match. And when they do, I’m not wearing them.
6. Find out exactly how a freelancer spends his day!

For example, one would expect my day to be rather boring, right? I had my to do list today and I was prepared to get my hours in, feed my family and buy our mansion on the hill next door to that creepy guy who smells funny but has a nice garden.

Well, it started out that way. Then I set Matilda on the task of cleaning her room. Which, of course, took supervision. I then was able to sit down and get some work done.

However, we needed to go to Mickey G’s to mail some materials to one of my author teams. Once we got there, we realized that we needed items for Target. On the two-minute drive from Mickey G’s to Target, we realized that we should add a car cup holder to the list.

So, we picked up the following: 1 universal remote for the broken TV that I have sitting above my computer; 1 black plastic cup holder; 1 safety gate; 1 Pepsi One, to test out the cup holder; 1 Go Pack of Doritos 3-Ds, nacho cheese flavor to combine with the enjoyment of the Pepsi One.

Now, of course, we couldn’t get out of the store without wandering. We looked at Harry Potter action figures and 20-inch bicycles.

Not content with the amount of choice we then went to Toys R Us to investigate further. We discovered that Toys R Us had a dismal selection as well. And their prices are higher (obviously to feed the heroin addiction of Geoffrey the Giraffe).

Of course, we couldn’t leave until we looked at baby toys. Natch. That’s when I saw it. It called me quietly. When I arrived, the heavenly choir sang and a single shaft of sunlight hit it. Swiss Family Robinson, fully restored, anamorphic, two full discs. For a reasonable price.

Then we had to go home and try out all of our toys, including the gate. Then I got some work done. Now I’m not getting work done.

But it all balances out. Because some day I’ll live the life of leisure and I’ll suddenly be distracted by work.

It’s called Karma Stank.

So, who wants to invest in “The Freelancer”? Guaranteed Emmy nomination! I’ll give you producer credit, but no merchandising cut.