1. Peter Jennings is out to get me. You think I’m kidding. Next time he’s on watch how he says, “We’ll be right back”. It’s code. The bastard’s coming after me.
2. Security devices on DVDs. Now they don’t merely paste one side shut with the industrial strength glue strip. No. Now they often do at least three sides. And it only sticks when you’re trying to get it off. And it shreds into a million little pieces and then I’m going after Jack Valenti with a golf club and a DVD decryption program.
3. Cat food. It smells bad.
4. Movies with Hell in the title. It ticks me the hell off. Usually because they suck like hell.
5. That Michael Yorke is considered a joke. He used to be cool.
6. That Jason Mraz kid who’s supposedly the new hot thing. Dude. You’re dressed like the guy who used to sell me cigarettes at the 7-11 when I was underage. Trust me, that’s not cool. You look like a fool. And that stupid hat should be burned in the same pile as your stupid CD and your crappy 5 o’clock shadow.
7. People who drive Mini Coopers. You think they’re cool. But you can’t handle them.
8. Bad coffee. Folgers. Yuban. You barf. Come on people. Just because it only costs 3.99 a pound doesn’t mean that it’s good coffee for crying out loud.
9. Rock musicians who find God and lose their soul. I don’t mind them finding a new life path but that doesn’t mean that your music should start sucking.
10. Francis Ford Coppola.
11. Polka dots.
12. French poodles that are shaved like they are topiaries. They’re farging dogs people. Stop treating them like a hydrangea.
13. Just because music is on the radio doesn’t make it good. In fact, most likely it sucks. Trust me.
14. Aerosmith.
15. That the animated version of the Tick is not on DVD.
16. I want a zebra.
17. That the accordion isn’t an acceptable instrument to stroll through a suburban mall playing at full volume.
18. Particularly if the only song you know is Iron Man.
19. Daniel Handler. Overly talented jerk.
20. That no one has ever offered me the job of coordinating the soundtrack to their film.
21. That those people in number 20 just don’t seem to have my email or phone number.
22. People who think the world is so black and white that every problem can be traced back to someone whose ideology is diametrically opposed to their own.
23. That those same people can’t stop writing into the editor at the local paper.
24. And use the phrase “It is incredulous to me.” Asspony.
25. I will never be known as graceful.
26. John Lennon will never wash my clothes.
27. Brittney. Spears. Murphy. All of them. The collective Brittney.
28. That one of the major requirements to be a pop star these days means that you had to start out as a Mousketeer instead of playing for nickels and beer at a local dive.
29. That Jeff Buckley is dead but Dave Matthews keeps assaulting us constantly.
30. Other people who shouldn’t be dead: Carl Wilson, Richard Feynman and Stevie Ray Vaughan.
31. People who should be: Too long to list.
32. Monkeys on the moon. Or lack thereof.
33. That people think we should continue space exploration for the sole purpose of having a new planet to rocket off to when we finish poisoning this one. Brilliant plan. “Don’t worry kids! We choked this little blue-green ball to death but you guys will be able to fly off to another planet.” Don’t be so cruel to your kids.
34. That I seem to be one of the only people on the planet who doesn’t actively avoid my children or make excuses to get away from them. Or they from me.
35. People who leave their kids alone on cars. Don’t treat your kids that way.
36. Or your dogs.
37. That 90% of the people who drive seem to think that they have the right of way based on vehicle size and/or stupidity ratio.
38. People who bitch about gas prices in their Chevy Suburbans. I don’t pay that much in gas bills. Hee hee.
39. That idiot in the PT Cruiser at the grocery store parking lot who kept stopping for no reason. Next time I’m ramming through you.
40. People who walk down the center of a parking lost aisle and get mad at me for trying to drive down it at the same time.
41. That crazy lady at the post office who took my jokes far too seriously and proceeded to ruin my day.
42. Monkeys at convenience stores. Or lack thereof.
43. That I haven’t yet written or published a book.
44. I’m suddenly filled with the urge to purchase and learn to play a ukulele.
45. Monkeys with ukuleles. Or lack thereof.
46. That my main freelance client is trying to make me justify myself to them. Either contract me or don’t. Don’t dick me around the same way you dick around your employees.
47. That I’m pretty sure that no one genuinely likes me.
48. And those that do are faking it.
49. Including you.
50. Monkeys that like me. Or lack thereof.
Bonus: That it's suddenly cool to like Warren Zevon, now that he's dying. Nice people. Couldn't you have liked him when he was vibrant and alive and not rotting with cancer?
Bonuse: The word "Hella". Use of that word is nearly as stupid was when people said, "What's the Dillio?"
Discuss
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