Choices? Or a Conspiracy?

I’m not a rich man. I’m not even a fabulously well-to-do man. I’m comfortable, but that’s because I’m wearing pants that have an ample waistband.

So, who do these media companies think they are? First they put amazingly disgusting prices on their products, make it impossible for anyone to buy a real paperback (unless you’re going for mystery or sci-fi) by creating a larger, more expensive, soft cover book with a trim-size that makes it impossible to carry around without looking like a pretentious git and then they sue 12-year-old students for downloading files.

But this is the last straw. This is clearly collusion on the part of all media companies to part me from my money and I demand that it stops. Somewhere along the lines they got information about me, either from the Internet, or a secret spy that has invaded my home (I suspect the baby . . . I should have known a 22 month old can’t write and doesn’t usually give surveys about media usage).

I’ve long suspected this conspiracy, especially when they started releasing DVDs and then putting out a different version a few months later, thereby causing me to refuse to buy anything less than a Super-Extra-Special Edition That Will Change My Life.

But now . . . now they’ve gone too far. No less than three (THREE!) companies have gotten together and conspired to separate me and some hard-earned cash. Those companies are Image Entertainment, Deutsche Grammophon and HaperCollins.

I’m most upset by Image Entertainment. The other two are massive companies bent on destroying the world and assimilating all of humanity by destroying their minds with things like “music” and “books”. But I thought Image would always keep me safe. They release music, sure. And it’s challenging music, to be sure. But now I know they are working with the big boys. Those bastards!!!

What did they do, you ask? (Or, more likely, you’re wondering how long I can stretch this out.) Well, they did this:

Lemony Snicket: The Slippery Slope--Release Date: September 23. Price: $10.99

Matilda and I love these books. Love them! Filled with dread, literary allusions, lyrical twists, cynical humor and fabulous word play. Of course, that’s why I love them. Matilda likes the stories of the three orphans who just can’t seem to catch a break. Not even when masquerading as Chabo the Wolf Baby. Long story.

Elvis Costello: North--Release Date: September 23. Price (suggested): $18.99.

Yes. The new Elvis Costello CD. The one I fully expect to listen to twice and file it on my Elvis Costello shelf (This will make Elvis CD number 67, I think) and listen to it infrequently. He has a few like this. Artistic interludes in his career that I find intellectually interesting, but emotionally void and difficult to throw myself into. I could be wrong, of course. I expected to hate his album with Bacharach and I loved it. But, still, an album of piano based jazz ballads is not exactly what I’m in the mood for. But, hey, I support his willingness to push himself. It’s like if suddenly I stopped writing stupid blogs and began writing Medieval Cantos about Heaven, Hell and pork.

And finally:

Stew: Something Deeper Than These Changes--Release Date: September 23. Price (suggested): $13.98.

New Stew. Yay! It’s his third CD (including one TNP) in as many years. Always satisfying, always challenging, always catchy. And always a week late showing up in St. Louis. Bastards! I could buy it online, but then it STILL won’t show up until a week later and it would cost me $5 more in shipping. Grr. I know exactly how my exchange with the record clerk will go:

Me: Do you have the new Stew?
Him: We don’t sell cooking books. This is a music store.
Me: I’m aware of that. Stew is a person. He has a new album out.
Him: We don’t have it.
Me: You’ve memorized your inventory.
Him: The new Matchbox 20 is over here if you want that. Oh, and new Dave Matthews.
Me: I thought you record store clerks were supposed to be cool and be aware of off-the-beaten track music.
Him: Oh, I’m totally into odd music, man. I just picked up the newly remastered Let it Be by this band called The Beatles or something. They are off the hook! This stuff is how they intended it and not how the Bill Spencer producer guy wanted it to sound.
Me: The Beatles? Phil Spector? That’s off the track?
Him: That stuff’s old, man. Dude. I love the White Stripes too. They kick ass.
Me: Nevermind. I’ll just go to Borders. At least I know the Clerk Whose Gender Is Not Clear From Outward Appearances will know what I’m talking about. I can trust him/her because he/she understands good music.
Him: Whatever dude. The new Limp Bizkit’s out anyway and I need to listen to it deeply to really hear the medley.
Me: You mean the melody?
Him: I don’t like fruit.

You laugh and think I’m joking. But the last time Stew’s band The Negro Problem had an album out, a clerk at a local record shop thought I was looking for racist music. I was told that they “Don’t carry that kind of music.” Of course, those brain surgeons are out of business now. I think I need to carry a picture of Stew in my pocket from now on.

Now, according to my calculations (math isn’t my strong suit), this conspiracy is going to cost me exactly $1,034.35 plus tax for these three pieces of media.

I really do hate them.

Yay! The record store is open. Gotta go. New music, new music, new music.

I mean, uh, damn them!

Discuss