I apparently have to act now. Quickly. The decision needs to be made now. While supplies last. My penis is too small, my house payment too big and I need prescription pain killers. Jessica is a 24 year old who saw my profile online and would like to meet me. I’m not sure if she wants to meet me because of my new, bigger penis or because of my connection with the online pharmacy that will hook me up with Vicodin. Maybe she’s impressed with my house payment. That I’m married doesn’t seem to bother her.
But I can learn how to please my lover and make her (or him) beg for more! I can make her scream and moan all night long!
Actually, I don’t need help with that. When I put my ice cold feet on her back while she’s sleeping she usually screams and moans. Hits too.
But I can also get Viagra, which my new bigger penis will probably need. Or, if my bigger penis still doesn’t satisfy my lover I can get Xanax or Valium from a reputable online pharmacy to help me deal with my depression. I can medicate myself into a large and unhappy mass of fat and hair.
With an unusually large erection. And out of debt, thanks to the debt experts. (Because of historically low interest rates, of course.)
The one I haven’t figured out is from Woodrow Orozco, who makes this offer: “aiza hisporiography og c addaqphfqvj n.”
Don Corleone couldn’t make such an unrefusable offer.
“David R.” is offering me “racing stuff” while Taylor Tapia is offering to show me how to “crack into pr0n sites.” (Spelling changed to keep out Googlers.)
Herman David claims, “discounted Rx Valium husbandmen”. I don’t know if the Valium is discounted or if it’s the husbandmen. I’m not sure if I’m even in the market for husbandmen. Am I? Maybe with my bigger penis I’ll need one. Or maybe my wife will need one because even with the Viagra in my blood, I’ll be doped out from the Xanax, Vicodin and Valium.
Louie Weber offers “cheery gravvn”, which I may actually check out because my last load of gravvn was anything but cheery.
Effie Rudolph asks me a very valid question, “Why waist your time at doctors office!attica” Or maybe Effie exclaims that. I think “attica” is where she works and lives. I think I’m going to go with Effie because she offers me a wide variety of drugs that I need no prior prescription for! Here’s what she offers:
“Trim your waistline, eliminate arthritic pain, relax all your muscles, improve your sex life, eliminate your depression, get birth control, skin care, enhancements & more, quit smoking, prevent hare loss, impotence & more, sleeping aids, allergy protection, heartburn relief and MORE!”
Thank GOD. I was so worried about “hare loss”. Fluffy ran off yesterday with the squirrel and weasel, but we found her. If I had lost my beloved hare, I don’t know what I’d do. Maybe relax all of my muscles. Except my penis, of course.
I don’t know where I’m going to get the money to pay for all of these things. The refinancing, the prescription drugs that I don’t have a prescription for, the penis enlargement, my 24 year old girlfriend named Jessica and all of my sex enhancements.
Maybe I’ll take up Mjube Inbote on his offer to transfer $13 million to my bank account. It’s all perfectly legal! His dictatorial government just won’t let keep it. He needs my offshore account to legally transfer his money out of the country. It’s pretty sad because his father was assassinated in 1997 in a government plot. He just wants to get his family and their fortune out of their oppressive country so they can live a safe and happy life. And he’ll share 10%! I could use that money to keep my 24 year old girlfriend Jessica drugged up on Vicodin. And my erection going in my house, with low monthly payments. It’ll certainly protect my hare.
You know, I can see you thinking that all of this is not a good idea. But I wouldn’t mess with me. Because Courtney Swanson is selling a banned CD that will help me ruin you, if you piss me off. According to Courtney, “you will be able to investigate your friends, enemies and lovers in just minutes using the Internet. You can track down old flames from college, or you can dig up some dirt on your boss to make sure you get that next promotion! Why are they so upset? Because this C D gives you freedom. And you can't buy freedom at your local Walmart. You will have the freedom to avoid c reditors, judgments, lawsuits, IRS taxcollectors, criminal indictments, your greedy ex-wife or ex-husband, and much more!”
It’s true. You can’t buy freedom at Walmart. All they have is oppression, repression and two drafts of the Patriot Act in aisle 11.
So when you see me coming down the street, with my ten percent of $13 million, Jessica on my arm and a huge bulge in my pants, don’t say anything. Because I can destroy you with a banned CD.
Not that I’ll care. With the Vicodin/Xanax/Valium mix I’ll be taking I’ll probably be babbling like Elvis at his last Vegas concert.
Thank you! Thank you vermy munch! Gimme a popsicle.
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