After losing the highly profitable Pixar as a partner, embattled Disney CEO Michael Eisner refuses to give up the ship. After all, he’s reported to say, “Who needs animators, imagineers and general talent types? They get in the way. I’ll do it myself.”
Eisner has put together a list of ten projects guaranteed to turn the company around and make everyone forget about Pixar and that damned traditional animation department that did nothing but, oh, build the company.
1. Skippy the Crack Squirrel—The story of a talking squirrel who has a little problem. But his talking raccoon friend, Chippy, refuses to watch another friend die in the grips of addiction. They take off from their happy woodland home to check into a posh Beverly Hills rehab center, where they meet Nurse McMeany, who wants to enslave Skippy and put him in a sideshow. Hilarity ensues. I hear the animatics for the 3D crack pipe are amazing. Because of Eisner’s promise to keep the budget on this one “negligible” he has decided to farm out the animation to a group of junior high students all working from a copy of Maya the downloaded off of Kazaa.
2. Beaver Valley: The Ride—Join narrator Winston Hibler (actually a cheap imitation since Hibler died in 1976) for this fascinating and exciting theme park ride through the daily activities of a beaver. The ride mechanism will be built around a giant turning mechanism that has a variety of beaver related ride vehicles strung to it. Riders can choose from a birch log, pine log and walnut log. Eisner is adamant that this is not just another “hub and spoke” ride. He describes it as more of a lazy susan. “Besides,” he points out, “most hub and spoke rides turn counter-clockwise. This one goes clockwise.”
3. Mary Poppins 2: Dociousaliexpilisticfragicalirupus—Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke return for this exciting sequel to the 1964 classic. Forty years after the original finds the Banks kids desolate after their father has squandered his fortune by flying kites year round and ignoring his work. Mary has lost her voice and Bert is confined to an old folk’s home. Can the Banks children help save their childhood friends before the bank forecloses on their home? Songs by Phil Collins and Elton John. Animated sequences pulled from the archives.
4. The Forest is Alive—Ever wonder what happens to those characters Disney rejects in other films? Well, they still own copyright and this is their movie. They sing, they dance, and they are now 3D. In order to keep costs down the animation is being done by drunken monkeys using Poser 2 software.
5. Toy Story 3: Woody’s Big Ride—Andy has grown up and moved out. Woody is trapped in a box with Buzz, whose mental capacities are quickly slipping. Woody, tired of sharing the spot light with the goofy spaceman, takes Bo Peep on the adventure of her life. Animated by three men in chains, held against their will deep in the Burbank animation studio using a stolen version of Renderman (circa 1989). Unfortunately, none of them how to do the shaders or lighting.
6. Frontierland Shooting Gallery Rehab—Remember those days of your childhood at Disneyland and Disney World where you could plug in quarters and shoot at targets in an old west scene? It’s been completely redone to look like an office in Emeryville, CA (not a specific office, mind you). Your job is to smash all the desk lamps. Price of admission: Free. The title of “Eisner’s Honorary Heir” is awarded to anyone with the day’s highest point total.
7. The Little Mermaid Finds Nemo—Why not? Let Pixar and that little midget at DreamWorks sweat.
8. Eisnerland Cuba—Disney feels that the citizens of Cuba need a good dose of the Eisner magic to wash away their communist blues. The park will be an exact replica of Disneyland in California. Due to a request from government officials “It’s a Small World” will not be included because of similarities between the ride’s design and President Castro’s current torture designs for “Democratic Insurgents”.
9. Snow White 2: Back in Black—After the death of the Prince, Snow White is left to put the pieces of her life back together. Estranged from her family because of the demise of the Queen and in mourning over the death of her husband, Snow White returns to the forest she once loved in the hopes of reuniting the seven dwarves. She finds that life isn’t what it once was in those enchanted lands. Dopey has disappeared, Doc lost his license due to malpractice, Grumpy is on Paxil, Sneezy has been driven mad by his persistent allergies, Bashful’s suspected of murder and she has no recollection of the other two dwarves. As she embarks on her journey, sure she will never be happy again, she runs into the woodsman who once tried to cut her heart out and prospects of love bloom. Animated by drawing over the original artwork from 1937 using white out and a sharpie.
10. Work in Progress: The Story of Michael Eisner—commissioning his own bio-pic, Orlando Bloom portrays Eisner as an idealistic young man who builds his career using only his brains and his alarming beauty. Never one to give up, Mike eventually finds himself in the dream job: CEO and Herr apparent to the Disney company. By fostering creativity and a sense of belonging, Mike brings the company from the brink of death and saves it from its own horrible past: animation. Will be shot in 70mm with no animation sequences because, hey, let’s face it, who wants to hire an animator? They clutter up the screen with their ideas about “art” and “creativity”.
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