Boohbah: An Analysis

Unless you are a parent of a child under the age of four, you are unaware of Boohbah. This is a new television show, designed for the potty-training set, by the makers of The Teletubbies. Instead of four moronic trolls with electronic displays cruelly implanted in their abdomens and bowing down to a baby sun god, Boohbahs are, according to their creators, “five magical atoms of power, light and fun [who] travel in their Boohball around the world, from child to child.”

But, after watching the show a few times with my transfixed daughter, I’ve come to a different conclusion. It’s indoctrination into a strange, genetically altered, alien culture. It’s religion, mysticism and dominant psychology bent upon dulling the minds of children with the aim of control and implanting ideas, under the guise of entertainment.

Don’t believe me? Let me explain a typical show to you.

It opens with a glowing ball erupting across the sea (a foreign, far off land) and streaking across the sky. In its travels through the world, the “Boohball” comes into contact with innocent children from many different cultures. The ball visits Lichtenstein, an African savannah, Central park and more. All the while a gaggle of giggling children chants the indoctrination theme of “Boohbah” (said like Nico on a heroin binge) until the ball of light crashes into the Earth, contaminating the soil with its alien molecules.

The chemical and physical reaction of the impact gives rise to five giant beings called “Boohbah”. Each Boohbah has a name: Humbah, Zumbah, Zing Zing Zingbah, Jumbah and Jingbah. It is unclear which one is the mission leader. As the children chant each Boohbah’s name, the Boohbah awaken from their self-inflicted stasis until they come together in a harmonic convergence that results in an explosion of light and sound, thereby creating their own Boohbah reality; a dangerous rip in the space-time continuum.

Thus begins their ritual mating dances. Because, you see, each Boohbah looks like a swollen, uncircumcised penis attached to a swollen, furry ovum. They are asexual creatures, they can fertilize themselves. But in order to do so, they need the cooperation and energy of innocent souls. The innocents (children) call forth each Boohbah who dances solo to show off their fertility.

Once each Boohbah has made their case, they deliver a gift to the children of the world. A giant, sparkly, glowing box. The children open the box and release a single, ordinary object and a strangely utopian, multi-cultural family with names like “Brother”, “Sister”, “Grandpapa”, “Grandmamma”, “Mr. Man” and “Mrs. Lady”.

The Boohbah then cruelly place one member of the family in a foreign, inhospitable land with the ordinary object and force them to figure out not only the purpose of the object, but also how the Boohbah expect them to use it. I suspect that all of this takes place in an observation tank on their alien world. To confound the issue, the Boohbah frequently throw in unexpected obstacles to torture the family member. Once they are tortured sufficiently and the Boohbah are amused, the Boohbah return to their rip in the space-time continuum and continue their fertility rights.

Once they have worked themselves into fervor, the innocents call them and the Boohbah fly back into the Boohball and slide down the fallopian tubes into their fuzzy little receptacles. At this point they draw their phallic little heads into their ovum bodies and fertilize themselves.

The Boohball, sufficiently fertilized, now spins madly and continues its travels around the world. When it finds a secluded spot, it crashes to the ground leaving behind lobotomized clones of human children who are willing to do moronic, repetitive tasks until their little bodies no longer have the energy to survive. But the Boohbah know that this will take a very long time. Eventually the clones will be adopted by a human family, allowed to grow and eventually breed, thereby, over time, creating an easily placated and therefore conquerable race of mindless, repetitive idiots. The Boohbah, essentially, are using Earth as a seeding ground for their slave population that awaits the moment their masters’ return so they can do their bidding.

After they have dropped off many clones, the Boohball returns across the sea to recharge and return again the next day. But, more importantly, they have left behind their seeds.

Now, I could be off base here. But I don’t think I am. Boohbah is trying to take over Earth and we are allowing them. Don’t believe me? Their past, failed experiments are currently working as singing “dolls” at It’s a Small World in California, Florida, Japan and France.

If you see a giant, sparkly ball floating around your neighborhood, don’t let it hit the ground! The future of our species could depend upon it.