In a stunning turn of international fiscal events, it seems that Bill Gates has been usurped in his status as the world's richest, ugly man. The world's new richest man is (drum roll) Ingvar Kamprad.
You may not have heard of him, but you've probably sat on his work. Ingvar is the founder of IKEA, the interchangeableble, minimalist furniture that goes with everything, especially itself.
In order for Ingvar to take over this post, he will need to make the following changes to his company strategy:
1. All IKEA furniture must be bundled with more IKEA products that you won't need. For example, if you buy an IKEA bed, you also must buy IKEA plates. Otherwise, the bed won't work.
2. All IKEA furniture will come with proprietary screws that will require you to hire professionals to insert and turn them, as the proprietary screws will require proprietary screw drivers. Fear not, because after spending $1000 you can be certified to use the screw driver.
3. All IKEA furniture will only work with other IKEA furniture, or otherwise approved furniture developed for IKEA. Therefore, if you want to put your feet up when you sit in your IKEA chair, you must buy an IKEA ottoman. Or an IKEA compatible ottoman.
4. In order to use your IKEA furniture, you must use a unique activation code. Each piece of IKEA furniture will only be able to be used in one room. If you want to move your IKEA desk from one office to another you will have to buy a new user license.
5. Finally, all home builders will be required to optimize their floor plans for IKEA furniture. You can use other brands of furniture in your home, but you may not be able to see the coffee table you install, and that picture may not ever hang straight.
With these simple steps, the most Righteous and Revered Master Ingvar Kamprad will be poised to take over as not only the richest man on Earth, but the most evil.
He thanks you in advance for your unasked for and, quite frankly, unwilling, support.
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