Measured Expectations

So, it's spring and that means that the year-long masturbation in the cycling media is in full swing. Yes, it's that time that we get a weekly article about how George Hincapie is going to win X race because he's nearly won it in the past. Or because he's tall. Or because his wife is drool-worthy French podium girl. Or because he was with Lance on every Tour win. Or because he's an American boy and not living under a controversy cloud like the embattled Floyd Landis. Or because he makes clothing. Because he's a nice guy. And he's George! Yay!

The latest is Paris-Roubaix. Every year the (American) press tips him as a favorite to win. Just like they do in every damn race he enters. Every year George disappoints.

I'm going on the record to say that George will not with Paris-Roubaix. In fact, if he wins Paris-Roubaix I will eat my shoes. Here are your options as to why:

His bike will explode.
He will launch an amazingly fruitless attack at exactly the wrong time with all the wrong people.
As usual, he'll end up in the second group of riders and not the first.
He'll crash early.
He'll crash late.
He'll crash often.
He'll crash within 10 meters of the finish line.
He'll stupidly lead out the sprint to the line and get tanked by the guy holding his wheel.
One of his teammates will launch an attack and he'll just sit there.
Anyone will launch an attack and he'll just sit there.
Despite his dreams, he just isn't the type of rider who can win Paris-Roubaix.
The creepy varicose veins on his calf will explode.
He'll get hit by a piece of the International Space Station.

Look, I like George. He is an amazingly talented cyclist, a fantastic super-domestique and amazing in short stage races. George is not a great Classics rider. He's a decent classics rider. But, seriously, to win Paris-Roubaix you need more than a bunch of people in Colorado clapping their hands saying, "I do believe!"

Also, because of the stupidity of Versus you cannot tell me who wins the race. I am deleting all of my cycling bookmarks and going dark from April 12 - April 21. I refuse to watch the coverage a week later and already know the outcome. This race is too much fun to watch.

Unless, of course, it's so horribly chopped up that Versus manages to make it boring.

/end pessimism.