Now that these annoying and stupid mid-term elections are over we as Americans can finally focus on what’s truly important to us. We can move on and better our lives in the best way we know how. By mocking the misery of celebrities and watching every move they make.

While I could be talking about the self-congratulatory, semi-ego-masturbatory interview the Osbornes had on 20/20 last night, I’m actually referring to the most heinous crime of the century. I am, of course, referring to Winona Ryder’s conviction on charges of theft.

Now, it is my personal opinion that Winona should have been charged with public indecency years ago for making that awful film with Cher. But, the authorities chose not to pursue her, despite the lives she ruined.

Before we look at Winona as a criminal, we must first uncover the unvarnished truth about her name. Winona. Who in the hell would name their child Winona unless they were one of the Judds? Trust me, it’s a mistake and I hope that the Ryders feel truly horrible about this. What’s worse is they appeared to name her after the town in which her essential life force was issued forth from the womb (some people call it being born). Thank god she wasn’t born in Schenectady.

Yesterday, when the verdict came down, I happened to be watching CNN. A whole slew of political annalists (which is to say a bunch of people who have no real job) were discussing the ramifications of the change in the balance of power in Washington. It was a fascinating discussion that left me tingling. Not with excitement, mind you. But, rather, with what I think may have been a boredom-induced stroke.

They actually stopped that discussion, something with national ramifications, to cover the Winona verdict live. LIVE. This is what is considered news. An actress who once had promise but is now starring in Adam Sandler movies warrants BREAKING NEWS. Oh boy! I hope next they tell me whether or not Corey Haim has been on a bender of self-abuse tomorrow!

Somehow I think we’ve lost track of what’s important. Our nation’s political future and the horrid divisions of ideology that are permeating our governing body in such a way that we look like a stupid attempt at recreating the pathetic Israeli government? No, Winona Ryder’s criminal record.

Oy.

But that’s not what I found disturbing, to be honest. As I was watching Winona receive her verdict without emotion (what did I expect?) I realized something. I have a crush on her.

I never had a crush on her before she became a felon. Her pixie-cuteness never did anything for me. I figured she was the poster-girl for the Gen X slackers that I, even though I fit the demographic, have no desire to be a part of. She starred in one of the most abhorrent movies of the nineties, “Reality Bites”, a poor excuse of a film designed to “capture the essence of Gen X.” Ack. The only redeeming quality was the fact that Ben Stiller was involved.

Winona never held much appeal for me. She was great in Edward Scissorhands and several other films, I won’t deny. But she just wasn’t the type of actress I would get a crush on. Jodie Foster? Sure. Audrey Hepburn? Grace Kelley? Oh yeah. Winona Ryder? Not so much.

But yesterday, as she was confirmed a convicted felon I started thinking how attractive she is. I haven’t enjoyed one of her movies since 1990, but yet, she’s really very cute. Nice skin, great hair, impeccable style (one assumes she bought the clothes).

And she’s a convicted felon. Yes. A bad girl.

Finally, I’ve found the perfect trophy woman. She can support me with her bankable films (if she ever has another one). She can look pretty on my arm. And when times are tough, she can knock over a liquor store to pay for my insatiable appetite for smoked ham.