Yesterday, while being chided for my skills with the alphabet by Cory Doctorow, author of Down and Out in the Magic Kingdom, I realized that my life is merely a series of illustrations of physics theories.

Let me explain. I complimented Cory’s book and told him that I’d place it on my shelf somewhere between John Varley and Richard Feynman. Cory appreciated the compliment, but wondered how exactly I was able to alphabetize “Doctorow” between Feynman and Varley.

Very easily. I have kids. We threw out the alphabet years ago and replaced it with Chaos Theory. Chaos Theory is where everything has a place and that place happens to be wherever it fits. For example, you have seven thousand toys strewn about the room and three plastic bins in pretty primary colors in which to place them. How do you get those seven thousand toys into those containers? Answer: You don’t. It is impossible. Nature has taught us that toys grow in volume from the time they leave the floor to the time they are placed within the bin. A bin that should hold, say, three cubic feet of toys that are strewn on the floor can, in reality, only hold two toys. How do you fix this? Quite simple. Put the smallest toys in the bin and shove the rest under the couch, table, rug, neighbor’s yard, etc.

The same thing has happened with our bookshelves. Where there once was an order, there is now chaos. It only takes the baby clearing the shelf one time to realize that you have no desire to replace all of your Vonnegut books in the order of publication. It’s no fun when you just have to do it every few days.

Chaos Theory leads to Entropy. Which, in parental terms, means that you say, “Aw screw it. I could organize this crap, but the kids will just do it again tomorrow.” You give in to the disorder and reorganize your life around it. I now walk through my house as if it were a minefield. Careful. Don’t step on that doll! Watch out for the Lincoln Log!

The second theory is String Theory. This theory states that any given toy’s interesting qualities increase exponentially when string is tied around it. A simple block becomes a toy that demonstrates the scientific qualities of centripetal forces. And a sailing missile of death. Kids are drawn to string (and tape for that matter). How many times have I walked into the house to find Barbie bound like Laura Palmer? Someday I fully expect to see poor Barbie in the bathtub wrapped in plastic. As a good parent, you ignore this because you secretly fear that your child is acting on sociopathic behavior. Better to pretend that it doesn’t exist.

The Negative Charge is related to Chaos Theory. Any given room in the house emits a positive charge. Children emit a negative charge. As they pass through a room, all objects are attracted to the child, but the force of attraction diminishes as the child moves from the center of the room to the edge. Therefore, the Theory of Negative Charge states that all objects in a room that is, or was, occupied by a child will fall to the ground as the child leaves.

Ohm’s Law states that when a parent sees the mess left by the Theory of the Negative Charge he or she will say “ohm-ygod.”

Of course, one of the basic laws of physics states, “an object in motion tends to stay in motion”. This applies to parenting as well. Have you ever seen a one-year-old? However, the inertia changes conversely when you tell the child it is time to go somewhere. At that point, “an object at rest tends to stay at rest.”

Now, at the end of the day we have the Grand Unification Theory. This theory states that a mother just wants her family to be able to enjoy dinner together as, well, a family. However, with opposite forces pulling each family member in opposite directions, the theory turns out to be bogus. For example, child #1 just wants to watch TV while she eats. Child #2 simply wants to spread her food on the table. Dad wants to sit quietly and read the paper (damn it!). But mom, undeterred, acts under the rules of the Theory of Everything which states that one must answer her questions with every possible detail, lest you wish to discover how electrons can travel backwards in time.

Illustration: “Honey, how was your day?”

“Fine.”

“Just fine? What did you do?”

“Work. Not much exciting stuff.”

“What did you work on?”

“What I always work on.”

“Maybe the kids will like to hear about it.”

“I sincerely doubt it. Can I please just read the paper?”

“NO. I just wanted to know about your day! Is that so much to ask?”

Mom then illustrates the theory of Fluid Dynamics as she runs from the table crying.

Finally, we deal with the most important familial physics concepts. The theories of General Relativity and Special Relativity. General Relativity states that your children are undeniably yours. They look like you. They act like you. The administrators of the school recognize you as your child’s parent. When she excels at school, she is under the influence of General Relativity. When she scores the winning goal at the soccer game she is under the influence of General Relativity.

However, sometimes outside forces act upon the family nuclear unit and cause odd reactions, which result in Special Relativity.

Example: you go to pick up your daughter at school and you see her walking down the hallway with her teacher. Your daughter’s clothes are soaking wet. You can hear the soft squish of water expelling itself from the foam insoles of her tennis shoes as she steps down. Her wet hair is wrapped around her head in a circular swirl. The teacher looks angry.

When the teacher says, “I just found your daughter with her head stuck down a flushing toilet because she was curious to see where the water went” the Theory of Special Relativity states that you must respond:

“I’ve never seen that child before in my life.”