Nnoh!

Gertrude’s vocabulary is growing by the day. At this point, she’s up to about ten full words and on the brink of many more. If you count her own personal language, she could have her own dictionary. For example, we think “Mommady” means that she wants us to do something. In addition to actual vocal speech, she is also capable of sign language to tell us her needs. She knows “more”, “please”, “thank you” and “all done” in sign language. Pretty impressive and, I have to admit, extremely helpful when she’s screaming for something.

A bizarre tradition the goober and I have gotten into is to sit at the computer and watch a Wiggles Flash animation that runs through their “Greatest Hits”. She’ll sit there hammering her finger into her open palm yelling, “Mo! Mo! Mo!” She’s a giggler with the need to Wiggle, I’ll tell ya. She’s addicted to the group. I have to admit that it heartens me. It shows that she’s interested in quality music (and the Wiggles are that . . . none of the usual, gaudy, sugary sweet children’s crap. This is high quality music in the style of sixties bubblegum. Good stuff. Plus it’s fun to sing about Fruit Salad, Hot Potatoes and Teddy Bears.) I’m heartened because she also seems to be obsessive and one-track minded about music like myself. When I get interested in something I devour it. It is my way. I have musical OCD.

Gertrude’s vocabulary currently includes:

· Mama
· Dada (Daddee, if it’s urgent)
· KayKay (her sister)
· Uh Oh
· Oh No
· Up!
· Mommady (Momma do it)

However, she’s discovered a new word that has much power for her. Every time she utters this word, she gets a drunken look on her face. A face that says, “I am in control”. She’s drunk on power.

That word is “No.” Or, as she says it: “Nnoh”. It’s cute to see this little body and hear a squeaky voice yell out No to everything. No to cookies, no to bed, no to milk, no to changes to the Clean Air Act. She’s become very vocal about the fact that she rejects everything.

Learning “no” is when children learn that they have a voice and an opinion. They can express that they do not want to be involved in some, any or usually, all activities that they did not dream up on their own.

“Gertrude, let’s play with the dollie!”

“No!” she replies. Which really means, “Father, I accept that at this time you wish to play some sort of role modeling behavior with me that is to teach me some sort of lesson about life. However, I would much prefer at this moment to tear up this piece of paper that you foolishly left within my reach. Oh, it’s your mortgage documents? I’m terribly sorry, but it must be destroyed. I’m sure you understand.”

Last night, my lovely wife was at a baby shower for a dear friend. So, it was just the girls and me for the evening. We went out to dinner for fast food Italian, otherwise known as “Intestinal Gas Bombs”. We had a perfectly lovely evening talking about school and learning how to drink through as straw. (And Gertrude did learn, though she much preferred the method of me holding my finger over the straw and dumping the water directly into her mouth. She was Cleopatra and I was her lowly slave boy. I fear this will become a theme in our life.)

When we got home, we all agreed that we were much too tired to go through the bathing process, and that my stupid body is much too large for the space the builders of the rat hole allotted for such processes. So we watched The Disney Channel instead.

When bedtime arrived, the exchange when thusly:

”Gertrude, time for bed!”

”No!”

“Let’s brush our teeth!”

”No!”

We did brush our teeth. And we changed a diaper and got jammies on. Then it came time to cuddle on the rocker to wind down for bed.

“No,” she yelled, and hopped off my lap and ran through the hallways yelling, “No! No! No!”

Let me tell you, it’s a bitch and a half to find a three-foot tall person in the dark when she’s hiding behind a bed.

To a chorus of “No! No! No!” we sat back down on the rocker and discussed our day.

“We went out to dinner.”

”No!”

“We ate pizza”

”No!”

”You drank from a straw!”

”No!”

“Are you ever going to get married?”

”No!”

”Will you ever move out of the house?”

”No!”

”Will you ever work at Hooters?”

”No!”

”Good, I’m glad we agree.”

I sang her a few songs, one Wiggles tune and two Beach Boys tunes and she calmed down immediately. I put her in her crib and she went to sleep without a complaint.

This morning, when she was waking up I said, “Hi Gertrude! Give Daddy a kiss?”

”No!” she cried. Which is to say, “Father, let’s be honest. We are at odds regarding this whole bedtime ritual. You are under the mistaken impression that you are in control. We will have to remedy that. Now look into my big blue eyes and I will smile for you. Perhaps even say something very cute. You will then be under my complete control. There, that wasn’t so hard, was it slave boy? Go get me some water and feed it to me through a straw.”

Discuss