Beat The Meat

No, literally.



Now that I can breathe again, let’s dissect this article a little bit.

First of all, look at the photo. Italian Americans are up in arms over their portrayal in The Sopranos, but a gumba sausage is okay?

Pittsburgh first baseman Randall Simon was booked for misdemeanor battery for hitting one of the Milwaukee Brewers' popular racing sausages with a bat during Wednesday night's game.

Hands down a phrase I never expected to see in writing: “popular racing sausages.”

. . . and it will be up to prosecutors to determine whether formal charges are filed.

What will the charges be? Assault on a sausage with a blunt object? Does Randall Simon have a history of assault on anthropomorphic grilled foods?

In an event that's a fan favorite at Miller Park, four people in sausage costumes race around the bases between the sixth and seventh innings at Milwaukee Brewers games.

This is also a popular event in the Missouri legislature. But, really, who can resist racing sausages? Or can they? Is it a good idea to humanize food?

Simon took a two-handed chop at the Italian sausage character

All I can say in Simon’s defense is: “Five years ago, a man's fantasy became
a reality in a form never seen before: Kitchen Stadium, a giant cooking arena.”

As she fell, a nearby sausage -- the hot dog -- went down as well.

I can’t breathe again. Must. Stop. Laughing. Hands down, this is the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

"They were doing the sausage race. He hit her with the baseball bat . . ."

Wait . . . are we talking about the assault or a date? This comment seems like a quadruple entendre.

"It was very strange," he said.

That’s the understatement of the century.

Rick Schlessinger, the Brewers' executive vice president for business operations, said he felt Simon's "conduct is just unjustified."

Any abuse of an Italian Sausage and a Hot Dog is unjustified. Where is PETA when you need them?

To sum up:

Ryan Borghoff, 16, who wore the bratwurst costume in the race, called the episode "unbelievable."

"He just hit the costume and she fell over," he said. "These things are so top-heavy that it doesn't take much."

Borghoff went on to win the race.

"Somebody had to, I guess," he said.

Again, a phrase I never expected to see in print: “Who wore the bratwurst costume . . .” Wow. That’s almost frightening.

But I think we need to investigate this, because it’s suspicious. We didn’t hear from the Kielbasa who came in second. There were four sausages. Or were there five? Was there a sausage on the grassy knoll?

And I don’t think Borghoff himself is above suspicion. Not only did he win the race, but he was available to the press after such a tragedy involving his fellow sausages.

Did Borghoff have previous contact with Simon? Was he paid off to allow Borghoff?

And where was Tonya Harding at the time?
Discuss Sausages