Reader Mail

I thought today would be a good time to answer some reader mail from my tens of fans from all the major continents, two island nations and one sovereign nation that floats above the Lesser Antilles.

Dear Gary:
I’ve been reading your blog for a year now and there’s one thing I can’t figure out. If there were a genetic mutation in a strand of monkey DNA that caused all monkeys to have sudden senses of shame, would there be a need for a monkey textile industry and clothing line? Please answer soon and let me know what clothing requirements you think a group of Capuchin monkeys that live on a beach would have.
Sincerely,
Dale

Dear Dale:
If such a genetic mutation occurred, and I sincerely hope it doesn’t, all monkeys would have to wear monkey pants. Or at least shorts. Shirts may not be needed because of the amount of monkey hair that monkeys currently have. However, another genetic mutation may occur that tell the monkey fur to drop and monkeys would be virtually indistinguishable from people who patronize the Ozzfest. As for your Capuchin beach monkeys, I’d say they’d like some baggies and a straw hat. Perhaps, for more formal arrangements, a nice, loose Hawaiian shirt.


Dear Gary:
You suck. Your blog sucks. Your life sucks. In essence, I think you suck.
Signed,
I Hate You

Dear Hate You:
Thank you for your feedback. I’ll be sure to pass it along to management.

Dear Gary:
Something has always bothered me and, perhaps you can help. What is the connection between a geek and monkeys? I’ve visited a number of sites with geek in the title and, barring the one about the guy who ate chicken heads, they all mention monkeys. Including yours. What up?
Elvin

Dear Elvin:
This is an excellent question that many people ask. There are actually many facets of this answer, so bear with me.

First there is the historical perspective. Without a doubt, Leonardo DaVinci was the very first geek. He spent his days trying to think of new machines that would defy physics. For the most part, his ideas worked but his designs were flawed. Leo certainly couldn’t try his own machines out himself because a) his Patron wouldn’t allow it and b) falling from the sky into the Piazza tended to draw undue attention to oneself when one was dissecting bodies in ones basement to draw ones strange and unusual pictures of dissected bodies. Which was illegal then. At least for painters.

So Leo hired a group of monkeys to test out his ideas. They were the very first test pilots and became Leo’s friends. They were known as La Monkeyata. They flew many missions for Leonardo. Several died in the line of service.

Also, little known fact, a monkey posed for the Mona Lisa. He just made her look human.

Second, another little known fact, Bill Gates has an army of miniature monkeys that he has been prepping for war. Any day now he will unleash his monkey army and send them over to Steve Jobs’ house to bite him in the ankles and steal pretty designs to be used on the next generation of PCs. Beware the monkey elite guard! You may be next! Keep your eyes in the trees and your ears to the ground. But always be on the look out. You never know what a monkey will throw.

And finally, this is the most important part, monkeys are frickin’ funny. Monkeys in clothes are even funnier and Monkees named Mickey are far better than Monkees named Davy.


Dear Gary:
You seem like you should know this. How much coffee do you have to drink to have a heart seizure?
Helen

Dear Helen:
I’ll let you know when I get to that point. So far three pots a day only makes me see dead relatives and hear baroque music in my head.