1. Smothering myself if spray cheese and smashed crackers, walking into a local Jack in the Box and doing a song and dance routine to the Leo Sayer classic “Dancing the Night Away”.
2. Starting my own band, comprised solely of people named Gary.
3. Contracting any disease named after the person who discovered it. Screw that. Cure the damn disease, then you can name it.
4. Order a pizza under the name of John Ashcroft and tell the pizza boy he better give me a discount because “We saw what you did to yourself in your bedroom”.
5. Write another list of five things I’ll do in 2004.
Bonus: One thing I would like to do is become a Muppeteer. I wonder how one becomes a Muppeteer. Is there a school for that?
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