Holiday Recap

Why? Because it seems appropriate. Top ten list:

10. The kids got a Karaoke machine. Yes, a Karaoke machine. Santa is a sadistic son of a bitch. But they love it. Therefore, so do I.

9. Speaking of a Karaoke machine, every song sounds much better when you sing them as William Shatner. Though the kids look at you as if you are nuts.

8. At some point Matilda went completely insane. And by insane, I don’t mean in a cute Winona Ryder sort of way. I mean in a, “Hey get the tranq gun, I think we’re at a safe distance to take her down” sort of way.

7. Gertrude developed new language skills, such as when answering a question she’ll reply, “You see, the thing is . . .” Moreover, she’s doing far too much to illustrate how smart she is to her family and friends. At a party on New Year’s Day she decided to repeat a conversation my wife and I had regarding the dog. He’s been having behavior problems lately and we were worried that he is unhappy here and might be happier with a family that had more time to toss the ball and play the games he seems to need played. With two kids, one who is now in musical theater classes that seem to have endless meetings throughout the week, it’s difficult to find the time in the winter to go play catch. That discussion lasted a fraction of a second. We love that dog damn it. But, Gert remembered the whole thing. And just before birthday cake was served, in a quiet moment with her aunt, she said, “Aunt Patty, my daddy is thinking of getting rid of my dog.” Now, I knew she overheard the conversation. I regretted the conversation. I had already assured her that we love Finnegan and don’t want to give him up. That we were just floating ideas. But she wanted to make SURE we wouldn't ever speak of it again.

6. The funniest phrase I heard over the entire holiday, which I am looking for a reason to use, was “baby-twisting mother fucker”. No, I won’t explain.

5. On New Year’s Eve, both Gertrude and Matilda made it to midnight. Gertrude by the skin of her teeth and through blind spite for sleep. The evening was nice. Mom and I watched a lot of Twilight Zone while Matilda played with a friend and Gert danced to Yo La Tengo’s “Little Honda” EP in her bedroom. (What can I say? She’s cool.)

4. Also on New Year’s Eve, we played Battle Scrabble. Before I met my wife, I loved the game of scrabble. Now it frightens me. Very, very much. My wife comes from a family that will draw blood over board games. My family, well, they just mock you for the rest of your life when you say that Ronald Regan fought in the Battle of Hastings. My lovely wife, however, suddenly becomes the chair of the English department at Oxford and will debate me on any word. Any word. So this time (which I won, by the way, though she won’t admit it) I decided to spell out words which described my mood or actions. Ennui. Despair. Irritation. Escalating. Arrogance. Beaming. Taunting. Mocking. Bloody. Nose. But I won. That’s all that matters. I won. (And I really did play “ennui.”)

3. Grandpa gave the girls makeup so they can play dress up. Thanks Grandpa. No, really. Thanks. Sigh.

2. On Christmas Eve, we arrived home very late from a family shindig (which was still in full swing when we departed). It was well after eleven and the girls were still too wired for sleep as we tried desperately to get them into their jammies and into bed. At one point, Matilda and I decided to check NORAD to track Santa’s progress. Now, normally, NORAD uses Chicago as the landmark for the Midwest. Not this year. Gertrude, standing off in the distance, hears “Santa has just passed through the Gateway Arch and into St. Louis” to which her response was to run to her bed, bury her face in the pillow and sob. She thought it was too late, that she had stayed up too late and missed Santa. It was heartbreaking and adorable.

1. Christmas morning. Matilda, who is no longer among the Santa faithful, woke up at 3:30, 4:30 and finally at 5:30 tried to convince us to get up. She climbed in bed and did some sort of harmonic vibration with her body. At approximately 5:45 my body was contacting the bed with only one big toe and I had a leg in my ear. So I slept on the couch. Finally, at 7:30 we got up and put a coffee cake in the oven while we had to tie Matilda to a chair because she wanted to go investigate the scene without her sister. 8 rolled around. 8:30. No Gert. She was still snoring. Matilda was turning purple. 8:45. No Gert. Matilda’s eyes started to turn red and glow. 8:55. Her hair started smoldering and I swear she started reciting a section of Paradise Lost in Nick Cave’s voice. Out of fear we woke up Gert. She was groggy and as angry as a teenager woken up before noon. Then she found a candy cane hidden under her pillow and she hit the ceiling out of excitement and buzzed for the rest of the day. She was just like Randy in A Christmas Story. “Wow, a baby Annabelle, that’s mine!” The highlight for Matilda was the fact that we bought her a Gameboy (we have always kind of ignored video game trends). She stared at it for five minutes in disbelief. The highlight for Gertrude, well, for me really, was when she opened the present I gave her. It was a mini telescope. “Just like daddy’s!!!!” she cried. She made me set it up and point it out a window. She had the eye piece upside down, both eyes closed and she was looking directly at the neighbor’s siding, but she couldn’t have been happier. “Wow,” she said, “look at the beautiful stars.”