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Phrase your wife really doesn’t care to hear: “When you turn the stereo on in the basement, you get perfect sound in the upstairs bathroom!”

How do you plan for a birth? One would assume that you could assume one of two things. 1. No matter how much you plan, you cannot prepare for that actual moment, or 2. you’re an idiot.

We’re currently writing our Birth Plan for when my wife is in labor. Which is to say, we’re deluded. We’re under the assumption that the hospital will look at our plan and say, “Wonderful! You know, we get so many couples who walk in here off the street and just want us to do everything, but you! You even thought of nipple stimulation, thank god!”

No, they’ll probably just laugh at us and say; “We understand that you want a relaxed atmosphere with no interns, no yelling and no time constraints. We also understand that you want no drugs. You do realize that ‘no yelling’ and ‘no drugs’ contradict each other, right?”

Birth plans are part of the Bradley Method of childbirth. It is a document that we create, in conjunction with our OB, to state our wishes for every stage of our hospital stay. It’s helpful because we have a written proof of our wishes, and it won’t all fall on me at the moment of birth. “THIS ROOM SMELLS LIKE CHICKEN! WHY DOES THIS ROOM SMELL LIKE CHICKEN? I TOLD YOU THE ROOM SHOULD NEVER SMELL LIKE CHICKEN!??!?!?!?!”

But it also gets us talking about some very important issues, such as episiotomies, breastfeeding and more. However, I’m not sure how helpful I was in certain situations. Below is a transcript of the conversation my wife and I had about major points in the birth plan. I hope to move back into the house sometime this week.

Q: How long do you want to labor at home?
A: Do they have cable at the hospital? I think that would help me make the decision.
Q: If I have to have an episiotomy, I would prefer to do it without anesthesia.
A: You’re nuts.
Q: How do you feel about circumcision?
A: Well, what’s the trend? I don’t want the little guy to have a funny looking penis.
Q: Do you want to cut the cord?
A: Do you want to see the contents of my stomach?
Q: What should we do with the placenta?
A: Never speak of it again.
Q: I want a squatting bar in the delivery room.
A: I’ve wanted one of those for years.
Q: I don’t want the baby to have any rubber nipples, including a pacifier until its happy with breastfeeding.
A: Good. Accept no substitutes for real nipples.
Q: Do we want a mirror to be able to see the birth?
A: Sure. You can use it to see if I’m still breathing when I pass out.
Q: Are you bringing an extra pair of clothes in case you get hit when my water breaks?
A: Hit? You mean I could get hit with it? No one told me this in the beginning. If I had known this, I may have gone to bed earlier a certain night a few months ago. No one told me at it was projectile!
Q: What alternatives to drugs are we using?
A: Hey, you’re the one committed to this drugless birth. I’m going to be stoned out of my gourd.
Q: Is it too late to get a new coach?
A: Yes, if you want one as understanding as me.

You know I’m excited about this birth. I’m just terrified of the biological implications of this whole thing. There’s blood, fluids, stretching, sometime TEARING (no bodily process should involve tearing), and a whole host of complications that could complicate things for both mother and child (God forbid).

The further I get along in the birthing classes, the more I learn. The more I learn, the more I wonder, “Isn’t there an easier way than this?”

The answer is “no.” But if men were in charge of birth it would last around six minutes. And you could read the paper the whole time.