I am not cool. Never was, never will be. In fact, I am patently uncool. No one who wears surfer shorts and Mickey Mouse t-shirts will ever risk being invited into the fold by the chosen ones. It has been my distinct honor to be giggled at by the Starbucks neo-hip.

But I’m okay with this. In order to accept hipness, to take on a hiptitude, I would have to give up what I personally feel is my greatest attribute. The mere fact that I simply do not care what other people think of me. You think I’m uncool? That’s fine with me. You know why? Because you measure your sense of coolness by what your magazines tell you, or by what Entertainment Tonight sets as criteria.

That’s not for me.

I listen to music with bands that have fruit names. I think that’s cool. Apples in Stereo, Orange Peels, Strawberry Design, Outrageous Cherry, Three Apples High. Never heard of them? Of course not, HOT 97 doesn’t play them. But it’s okay that you’ve never heard of them. You should like what strikes you.

It so happens that I enjoy what’s considered “Children’s” television. Blues Clues, Bear in the Big Blue House, Powerpuff Girls. And so on. I can use my kids as an excuse to watch them now but when I lived alone I still woke up every Saturday morning to watch cartoons. Why? Because I enjoyed it.

I don’t fear my emotions. I blatantly love my wife and take every moment I can to sing her praises. She’s a good woman and I’m lucky to have her as my spouse. I don’t hide my feelings about my kids. They are the center of my life, not career, not entertainment. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m feeling maudlin over the prospect of Geek Friend moving. He may not, but I don’t want him to. His friendship makes life more enjoyable. He’ll still be my friend whether he lives in Colorado or Budapest. But not having him around will fill me with a feeling of sadness.

I like what I like. If that includes ugly Hawaiian shirts, so be it. They make me happy. So do The Beach Boys and The Beatles. I like Talking Heads, Science Fiction and Scratch-n-Sniff Stickers. I enjoy good beer, better coffee and bad movies. I like to stay home on Friday nights and go out on Wednesdays. I like to stay up all night reading and spend the day playing. I like bike riding and running away from bugs. I like good sixties pop, and corny fifties pop. Animated movies and puppet shows. I like the zoo because I like weird animals. I like the way ice cream melts, runs down the cone and gets on my hand on a hot summer day. I may even be tempted to lick it off.

In fact, I may be so uncool that I’ve become cool by being different. I don’t think I’m a cookie cutter mold. I don’t follow any political party, as I make choices on the issues based on my own beliefs. Sometimes those stances change, based on my emotional state. My life isn’t defined by black and white. Nor grays. Sometimes I like a few reds, purples and a polka dot thrown in there.

And I seem to have lost focus of this lately. I needed to write this for myself to remind me that I’m not who I am based on what responsibilities I have. I am who I am because that’s just the way it is. The freelance work I have was given to me because of who I am. They like that I can identify movies by the font on their opening credits. My wife enjoys the fact that I can name a song within the first second or identify a movie on television within three. My kids like me because I can make monkey noises.

I have to remember what I’m good at. I have to remember what I am and be that.

And so should you. Don’t let others define you; define yourself. Don’t give up things you love just because the rest of the world doesn’t appreciate them. If that were the case with everyone, Van Gough would have opened a store and become “The Painter of Light.” Beethoven would have written elevator music and Hitchcock would have made musicals. Kermit the Frog would have married Piggy and spent the rest of his life miserable, because it was expected.

Don’t do the expected. The unexpected is so much more fun.

Just do me a favor . . . keep your clothes on in public. You still have to be mindful of public decency laws.