I’ve been looking for a new lease on life, but I haven’t been able to settle on the terms. It’s easy enough to find the right attitude at a good price, however it’s the fine print that gets you. I may be able to find a lease for happiness, but the square footage is way too low.

So I began shopping around. Would my new lease include utilities? There’s nothing worse than a lease on life in which you are responsible for the water and sewer. I hate that. I once had a lease on life that didn’t allow pets. That was bad, for what’s a new lease on life without the mute companionship of a loyal pet?

Another thing to consider about a new lease on life is location. You can have a new lease on life anywhere, but what is the cost? You may be paying less per month for the lease in Des Moines, but more in Honolulu. It’s a balance. Your lease in Hawaii may cost more, and you may get less, but the quality of that lease on life would be higher. It’s all a trade off.

Now, the sticking point for me is maintenance. I don’t want to have to do my own life maintenance. It’s so tiresome. Maintaining the relationships, your job, and your health. I’d rather just call a handy man to take care of everything. Fight with the wife? Enter Guido, who puts a little emotional Spackle on the situation and leaves. Sometimes he unclogs a drain and we all cry together. Guido is a good guy, and quite helpful. He’s more an ombudsman than a handy man.

And, with your new lease on life, what’s the view? Is it of the parking lot of life, or do you have a vista view? Once, in the mid nineties, I had a lease on life that overlooked the dumpster. It was binding and the penalties for breaking that lease on life were severe. I signed a new one in 1998, shortly after a trip to Disney World. I’d like to think that the time spent on Tower of Terror helped me in the negotiations.

The other consideration is not leasing life, but actually owning it. However, to do so you have to make sure that the life has a good foundation, with no leaks or flooding. Plus, who owned this life before you? Did they treat it gently? Did they have pets? Life ownership is complicated, plus you’ll have to mow the lawn.

I’ve decided to sublet someone else’s lease on life. Perhaps Martha Stewart’s is on the market?