I wasn’t going to write today because, technically, I don’t have time. I have a dental appointment today that is designed to cause me great pain and then Parents as Teachers later this afternoon.

But, as I was driving Gertrude to her sitter this morning I heard something that truly, truly disturbed me in ways that I cannot even begin to describe. It’s kind of walking in on your grandma while she’s wearing a leather teddy and carrying a whip. It was just . . . wrong.

What was it? A milk commercial. A milk commercial starring Aaron Neville. A milk commercial starring Aaron Neville singing a song thanking his mother for giving him milk.

In essence, it isn’t disturbing, really. In fact, I should consider it sweet. But I don’t. Instead, with the way he sings it like a passionate love song, I find my skin crawling. I know he’s talking about cow’s milk, but yet I picture this massive man with the girly voice suckling his Mama in deep Louisiana. And I find it gross.

More so, he discusses how his mom told him that milk would make him grow big and strong. Which it did. Aaron Neville is a huge man with arms like tree trunks. But he sings like a little girl. So, he certainly has strong bones and massive muscles, but his testes never dropped.* Maybe he should have asked his mom to stop force feeding him milk and get him straight to a doctor to find out about this issue.

I would have.

But, I can’t fault him for thanking his mom. Like I said, it’s kind of sweet, in a sick and twisted sort of way. Still, certainly there are more important things that his mother taught him that he could thank her for. I mean a good amount of people are lactose intolerant anyway.

For example, his mom potty trained him. He wouldn’t have had the musical career he’s had if he still wore diapers. That’s pretty important. Odds are she taught him to tie his shoes too. Again, a grown man who can’t tie his shoes won’t get anywhere. Can you respect a forty-year-old man with Velcro shoes? Probably not. Did she teach him how to use a fork and spoon? Probably. And he’s benefited from that.

But to me, a grown man who drinks milk isn’t all that unique. I mean, I’m glad he’s big and strong (despite his testes), but seriously, there’s just something wrong with this song . . .

*Note: I have no information on Aaron Neville’s testes nor do I want them. I just can’t figure out how a 300-pound man sings like Shirley Temple. My comments were not intended to disparage Aaron Neville, The Neville Brothers, their mother, the State of Louisiana, Dairy Farmers or people named Ethelbert.