The following statements have been made by me today (though they’ve been revised a little).
Picking up a chocolate chip cookie: Oh boy! Pizza!
I don’t know what I was thinking. Thank God I don’t have a lot of human contact.
To myself: This cheese is a little meaty.
In reference to a Tom Waits song: It’s like eating lunch in David Lynch’s nightmares!
In reference to a friend getting a piano:
Learn Nick Cave songs. There is no better way to get rid of your neighbors who come over for a sing-along than playing a nice piano figure and belting out:
Was it an act of contrition or some awful premonition
As if she saw into the heart of her final blood-soaked night
Those lunatic eyes, that hungry kitchen knife
Ah, I see sir, that I have your attention!
Addendum: It’s much funnier when sung as Ethel Merman.
To someone on the phone: Where is Oregon State University?
In my defense, I meant what city. But it’s still a stupid comment nonetheless.
To my wife: I’m sorry I urinated during your time of need.
I have no response to that.
So, to anyone who I’ve talked today, I heartily apologize. I’m kind of stupid today and I hope I haven’t offended thee.
On a positive note I have decided to drop my “hip” speak on the blog. It was unbecoming. I just have to come to grips with the fact that I am terminally white.
Discuss My Moronic Comments
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