15:01

Jared. Your time is up. It’s time to get your now skinny ass and bespectacled face off of my TV screen. I’m tired of you.

I’m very happy for you. Don’t get me wrong. You’re a good role model for people with bad eating habits. You changed your life. You lost weight and you credit Subway with helping you. You managed to change your habits without losing your enjoyment of food. Good for you. Now go away.

Look, I understand that the company needs a spokesman. Arby’s has that talking oven mitt. But he doesn’t stand for anything. You do. I understand that Jared. But your story isn’t interesting anymore. Until you are on the E! True Hollywood Story explaining that your hot trophy wife only married you because you had money from your endorsement, I don’t care about you anymore. I don’t care if chicken is your favorite submarine sandwich. In fact, I don’t care if you eat Chihuahuas as long as I don’t have to see you anymore.

It’s time to step down. You’ve lost your effect. Whenever I see you I just want to shove a pizza down your throat and dance around you like Piggy in Lord of the Flies. Survival of the fittest, I call it. Not that I’m remotely fit.

That’s the problem Jared. Your commercials don’t really paint a full picture. They make it sound like you lost a zillion pounds by eating the damn sandwiches. That’s not true, is it? You exercised. We don’t want to hear that. We want to think that a turkey sub from Subway will magically make us look like Christina Aguilera. But they won’t, will they Jared? In fact, we’ll probably gain weight, won’t we? Because we won’t ask for the cheese to be left off. And we’ll add a truckload of mayo.

Step down. I hear Emanuel Lewis is in need of a good endorsement. Let him in. I want to hear short jokes combined with a sale of foot long subs. I don’t want to be told I’m fat anymore.

In fact, I want the guy from King of Queens to hawk Papa John’s pizza and beer. I want him to say that, “If you eat this pizza and guzzle this pitcher of beer, you won’t look like Jared. You won’t capture a little blonde trophy wife. In fact, you’ll get fatter, your arteries will clog and you’ll get winded sitting down. But you’ll be happy. Life’s short! Make it shorter!”

Go away Jared. Please. Hearing you talk about chicken makes me long for Mexican stereotyped dogs hawking chalupas. Man do I miss that dog.

Hurry up Jared. Before this chubby guy gets mad. And you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. I throw bacon.

Discuss