We’re down to one car thanks to the asspony that decided to try and drive his Buick LeSabre through my wife’s car. Thankfully she was okay. But now we’re playing the waiting game with the insurance company.
The car has been totaled out, which was both a relief and a pain. We only had $700 left on that loan. We had plans for the money, darn it.
So the car search is on. We know what we don’t want in a car, but we don’t know exactly what we do want. Everything we thought was cool is turning out to be a bit expensive. Plus, we can’t move on a car until we have the check from the insurance company.
Luckily we have my father in law on our side. Because if he were on the other side, we’d be screwed.
He’s on the hunt. And when Dad’s on the hunt, the rest of the world better watch out. He’s a bargainer, a haggler and doesn’t like BS unless he’s the one dishing it out. He’s trying his best to get us a bargain.
“I found a 2003 Aztek for $2000.”
“Dad, why is a $20,000 car going for a tenth of its value?”
“Don’t ask questions. We can get the blood stains taken care of with a little 409 I think.”
He’d be willing to buy a car from a guy at a stoplight.
“Nice car. I’ll give you a grand for it.”
The man has an eagle eye. We can visit a lot that has “upfront pricing” and walk out with the dealer owing us money and promising a lifetime of free maintenance.
We don’t know how he does it. He’s not intimidating. In fact, he’s entirely too generous and kind. He understands the enemy. Gets in their head and then decimates them with his version of logic. By the time he’s done with them, they’re pledging allegiance to him and resealing is driveway on their day off.
He offers them a new outlook on life, I suppose. Something that no other customer can offer.
It’s amazing. If he’d been running the war in Iraq, Saddam would have surrendered without a single bullet fired and would be polishing Dad’s shoes for a living. And he’d be happy to have the job.
But I fear the levels of his dedication. I keep expecting to get a phone call at three a.m.
“I found you a car. How quickly can you get to Memphis? Bring a goat, two coconuts and a chain. You’ll need them. Stop at 21st street and ask for a man named Zuzu. Give him one of the coconuts and then go to Graceland. Wrap the chains around the gate, bury the other coconut and do the Charleston with the goat. By two p.m. a car will appear in the parking lot. Take that car to Sun Studios. Park it facing north. You’ll soon be met by a man in a fez . . .”
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