Ten Questions to Ponder:

1. Why do I like Stereolab despite my best efforts to hate them?

2. Whatever happened to Shirley Manson? I k now Garbage is still around, but why don’t we ever get to see her anymore? She was purty in a sort of vampire with red hair that mated with the New York Dolls sort of way.

3. Why did The Polyphonic Spree have to give a song to Apple/VW? Now my wife’s co-worker, whom I intensely dislike (the co-worker, not my wife . . . I kinda like her) will key in on them and sap out all their cool until they start covering Kajagoogoo songs.

4. For that matter why is “Blitzkrieg Bop” on a wireless telephone commercial? If Joey Ramone were still alive he’d die.

5. If conservatives websites that tout the lies of global warming can spend half the year talking about how we’re not choking the planet don’t believe in global warming, why are they so freaked out about London having the hottest day in its history yesterday? At least hotter than the day William Shakespeare called Francis Bacon a roguish clapper-clawed pigeon-egg. That was a good day.

6. Back to the Ramones. Now that Gertrude yells, “Hey! Hey!” every time I stop her from doing some thing she shouldn’t, is it such a leap that she greet people with “Gabba gabba hey”?

7. How does one become a famous chef? And why isn’t the guy who invented the donut famous? Maybe God invented the donut. You’d think He did and, if so, he would consider it His greatest creation. “Yeah, that whole life thing was cool. But have you seen the donut? So round. So greasy and sweet. I think the hole was a stroke of genius. Really made up for the platypus.”

8. Whenever I see a sign on the road that says “Flasher Ahead” why do I close my eyes?

9. You know those people who “run” at the same pace you walk, but consider it running because they imitate the running motion? They bug me.

10. Yes. When I want advice on how to convince my kids not to smoke this is where I go. Because if you can’t trust the cigarette companies to properly guide your choices with regards to smoking, who can you trust? They gave us Joe Camel who said, “Hey! If you smoke you can be cool too!” Plus they gave us the Marlboro Man who told us, “Even gay cowboys smoke. Aren’t you at least as cool as a gay cowboy?”

Bonus: Because of Phillip Morris’ efforts to convince my kids not to smoke I had this conversation with Matilda last night, based on a script from Phillip Morris.

Me: Honey, you know that smoking is bad, right?

Matilda: Sure dad. It causes cancer, heart disease and a general foul odor about your body.

Me: That’s true honey. What else?

Matilda: Well, that doesn’t even take into consideration all the problems with litter or second hand smoke.

Me: True. But have you ever considered moments when you’re frightened?

Matilda: Huh?

Me: Well, a cigarette certainly won’t calm your jangley nerves when you’re upset. A nice long drag and that exquisite tingly feeling all over your body as the nicotine rushes through your blood stream won’t help you when you’re nervous.

Matilda: Um. Okay.

Me: And the best part isn’t when your feet feel lighter than air as the nicotine hits.

Matilda: Right. You know dad, I’m not going to smoke. Don’t worry. I don’t want to get winded when I walk up the stairs.

Me: Of course you don’t. And you certainly don’t want to be cool.

Matilda: Smoking doesn’t make you cool Dad. You know that.

Me: Of course not. I mean, James Dean wasn’t cool. And he smoked.

Matilda: Well, actually, he was pretty cool.

Me: Right. Sure honey.

Matilda: Still Dad. I promise I won’t smoke.

Me: Don’t. Because smoking isn’t good. Especially when combined with alcohol or coffee, which is a truly wonderful experience, according to Phillip Morris and Budweiser and Starbucks.

Matilda: Um.

Me: Because smokers suck. When you work you’ll notice that they’re allowed to leave and take a break. But you won’t be able to. You’ll sit at your desk all day, only leaving to go to the bathroom. But the smokers get to go outside and enjoy the fresh air. Eventually you’ll decide to just space out at your desk for five minutes every two hours. That is until your boss notices. Then he’ll say, “What are you doing?” And you’ll say, “Nothing. Just zoning.” And he’ll say, “Knock it off.” Then you’ll envy the smokers who are outside communing with each other. And nature I might add.

Matilda: Um. Yeah. Thanks Dad. I need to go over there now. Away from you.

Me: Okay honey. This conversation was brought to you by Phillip Morris’ Youth Smoking Prevention office. Phillip Morris is the maker of such fine products as Marlboro, Virginia Slims, Benson & Hedges, Merit, Parliament, Alpine, Basic, Cambridge, Bristol, Bucks, Chesterfield, and Saratoga. Remember, smoking is bad for your health. But it feels oh so good.

Matilda: Right. Thanks dad.

Me: Anytime honey. And remember, don’t start smoking. But if you do, call me because I sure could use a cigarette break. This parenting stuff is tough.

DISCLAIMER: This is satire. Phillip Morris, Budweiser and their subsidiaries should not sue me. However, if Guinness would like to hire me for endorsements, my schedule is pretty clear.

Discuss