Two weeks ago I embarked on an adventure that I like to call "A Cold". The first week, I had sniffles. I could live with that. Early last week I had sniffles followed by a stuffy head, mild fever and, late in the week, a cough.
At first the cough wasn't bad. But by Thursday I couldn't hold a conversation without being doped up with Vicks Formula 44 (yes, any medicine that is so powerful that it doesn't actually have a name has to be good). Friday morning I thought I was better. Then, that afternoon the cough returned. And it was angry. Saturday it stepped itself up. Last night, it was blatantly mocking me.
Now not only is the cough angry, but I believe it may be fanning out and sending troops into other parts of my body. What I'm saying is that the cough is slowly moving down my chest. Getting deeper. Harsher. More painful.
I would sincerely love to tell you all of this. I would love for you to tell me if a cold that slowly gets worse over a three-week-period is normal. Or if I have Whooping Cough. Or a new strain of the flu.
I can't though. Because for two days now your piece of shit phone has been busy. Non stop.
So I'm angry. You now have a consumptive with a bad disposition on your hands. If I finally do get in touch with you before I die, I will willfully spread my germs to your office staff.
For you, today, I offer this song:
Menomena - Cough Coughing
Consider yourself lucky that I went that route. When I started this post I was hoping I could find a song entitled "The Doctor With Really Painful Gonorrhea (It Hurts When I Pee)". Alas, no one has recorded that song yet.
Irony: I really like my doctor. I hate his phone.
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