Ahhhhhh. We’re back. Looks like Blog Spot had a little system burp that required a little nudging. Reason number 124 to get my own domain.
Right this second I shouldn’t be writing this. I’m too busy. I have so much to get done in the next few weeks I’ll be kissing my evenings goodbye. The good news is the weeks following will be a little lean, so it’ll all balance out.
My schedule will look something like this:
· 6:30 Wake up. (More likely be punched awake by the freshly fed baby who has been laying next to me since the wife went to get ready for work.)
· 7-8 Get self, kids, wife ready for the day.
· 8-8:30 Get eldest on the bus, answer email, get coffee ready
· 8:30-3 Work my hiney off
· 3-3:30 Get eldest from bus. Find out how her day was, supervise homework and snack.
· 3:30-5 Work.
· 5-8:30 Dinner, play with kids, bathe kids, read stories, supervise tooth brushings, etc.
· 8:30-11:30 Continue working.
· 11:30-11:31 See how my wife is doing and how her day was.
· 11:32-6:30 Try to sleep without panic attacks.
The wife is busy these days too. She has class on Thursdays and will need to work the other nights as well. So, we’ll be just happy and content all the time!
So, if I owe you any work that you aren’t paying for right now . . . it’s going to wait. Sorry.
I’ll be back in a few minutes with a real post. I need to decompress for a little while, before the bus comes. My choices are to write a blog or breathe into a brown paper bag. I’ll try blogging.
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
Monday, May 20, 2002
The Hair Up There
Ahhh . . . the weekend. Once there was a time in my life where I would spend such a time in a drunken stupor attempting to meet people who shared my slurred speech and red face.
This weekend? I waited in line to meet Geek Gods Leo Laporte and Patrick from TechTV’s “The Screen Savers.” To a geek, these guys are uber-cool. They are the penultimate of coolness.
Clearly, people like me don’t get out often. The fact that I was able to find a beautiful woman who was willing to marry me boggles the mind.
On with the story. We were quite shocked to see the line that was forming. We knew the show was popular, but we didn’t realize how popular. By the time things got rolling, we were about midway through the line. However, during our entire stay at the event, we noticed the end of the line never changed. People kept showing up. There were a few, we were sure, that misread the sign and though they were there for Leo and Patrick of “The Sheep Shavers.”
It was a nice sunny day, slightly cool but not bad. The sun beat down and you could hear the sizzle of the sensitive, pale geek skin cooking in the ultra-violet rays.
TSS producer Paul Block, as played by George Segal, was on hand. This was a real treat. He worked the line like a drunken father in a wedding receiving line. He asked us if there were one thing we could get rid of from the show, what would it be? So, if you work at The Screen Savers right now, be nice to Paul. He apparently is hoping to fire someone. Martin is fine. Apparently Paul thinks Martin is the funniest man on Earth. That’s why Paul is a producer. He likes to tell half-truths and mislead you. If Martin enters the entertainment world, it will be on his own terms. Ever see “King of Comedy”?
We told him that we’d like to see a urinal installed on the set. It gets embarrassing watching Patrick run off the set during the commercial bumpers.
To avoid getting fired, I suggest you buy him stinky cigars. With cigar firmly clamped between his teeth, he wandered around like Ed Asner in Mary Tyler Moore. I half expected him to start arguing with Leo, with Leo responding, “Oh Paaaaul!” and crying.
But all of this is beside the point. My real reason for attending the event was to see Leo’s hair. It has long been a point of debate between my friend John. Is it real? Or does Leo use a Flowbee? Below is a photo comparison from a nice windy Saturday. Perhaps the truth will finally be known:
Hypothesis: Leo’s hair is real, but his stylist needs help.
Evidence:
Besides the snow on the roof, it looks fine here in this slightly dark photo. The wind was low, but here there appears to be no sign of coif lines. Verdict: Inconclusive.
Here we get a better look at Leo’s Do. Now, notice again there is no line and the hair is holding up to the sun and wind nicely. Either he has a good toupee or this is natural. Verdict: Still inconclusive. However, who would buy a piece that has that cowlick in the back?
Here we have a comparison between Patrick and Leo’s hair. Patrick is clearly natural. Looking closely at Leo, it is clear there is no chemical used to adhere the hair to his scalp. Notice the glare, clearly this is the baby skin of newly exposed flesh. An airplane landed in the parking lot nearby after this photo was taken. They thought they had discovered a lost hiker signaling with a mirror. Verdict: Leaning towards real hair. Of course, some good wigs are made of real hair. Perhaps Leo’s wigmaker is an artiste.
Here we see Leo signing. This is the best view of our suspicions. There is a definite delineation between what’s up top and what’s below. Notice his equatorial line. Verdict: Inconclusive. Perhaps working on cable is hazardous to one’s hair color and hairline.
My favorite picture of the day, by the way. Here I think we can conclude that Leo does not wear a piece. That is the hair he was born with, though slightly out of style. I think Alan Alda had that hair cut during the first season of M*A*S*H. Oh, and guys, we thought the guy from Charter was a schmuck too. Verdict: It’s real.
Conclusion: Leo needs a new hairstylist. Perhaps that’s what we should have told Paul. Mr. Block, please . . . Provide your star with proper access to proper hair-styling. You can’t afford to lose his talent to another network because he was dissatisfied with the coif with which you provided him.
Leo: You need a new contract. No matter what they tell you, Great Clips is not the official hair styling salon of TechTV. They’re just trying to keep the bills low by sending you out for hair cuts at $11.99 a piece. $9.99 if they give you a coupon clipped from the back of a grocery receipt. That’s a damn cool watch, though.
I want to go back to that last photo for a second. Look over Patrick’s shoulder at the woman standing below the words “Everything cool . . .” It’s clear she’s looking at the group of us wondering, “Is this really cool? I mean, really. Is it? And where did I leave my Celine Dion CD?”
Thanks to Todd for sharing his pics. You can see his more creative work at Optical Musings.
Ahhh . . . the weekend. Once there was a time in my life where I would spend such a time in a drunken stupor attempting to meet people who shared my slurred speech and red face.
This weekend? I waited in line to meet Geek Gods Leo Laporte and Patrick from TechTV’s “The Screen Savers.” To a geek, these guys are uber-cool. They are the penultimate of coolness.
Clearly, people like me don’t get out often. The fact that I was able to find a beautiful woman who was willing to marry me boggles the mind.
On with the story. We were quite shocked to see the line that was forming. We knew the show was popular, but we didn’t realize how popular. By the time things got rolling, we were about midway through the line. However, during our entire stay at the event, we noticed the end of the line never changed. People kept showing up. There were a few, we were sure, that misread the sign and though they were there for Leo and Patrick of “The Sheep Shavers.”
It was a nice sunny day, slightly cool but not bad. The sun beat down and you could hear the sizzle of the sensitive, pale geek skin cooking in the ultra-violet rays.
TSS producer Paul Block, as played by George Segal, was on hand. This was a real treat. He worked the line like a drunken father in a wedding receiving line. He asked us if there were one thing we could get rid of from the show, what would it be? So, if you work at The Screen Savers right now, be nice to Paul. He apparently is hoping to fire someone. Martin is fine. Apparently Paul thinks Martin is the funniest man on Earth. That’s why Paul is a producer. He likes to tell half-truths and mislead you. If Martin enters the entertainment world, it will be on his own terms. Ever see “King of Comedy”?
We told him that we’d like to see a urinal installed on the set. It gets embarrassing watching Patrick run off the set during the commercial bumpers.
To avoid getting fired, I suggest you buy him stinky cigars. With cigar firmly clamped between his teeth, he wandered around like Ed Asner in Mary Tyler Moore. I half expected him to start arguing with Leo, with Leo responding, “Oh Paaaaul!” and crying.
But all of this is beside the point. My real reason for attending the event was to see Leo’s hair. It has long been a point of debate between my friend John. Is it real? Or does Leo use a Flowbee? Below is a photo comparison from a nice windy Saturday. Perhaps the truth will finally be known:
Hypothesis: Leo’s hair is real, but his stylist needs help.
Evidence:
Besides the snow on the roof, it looks fine here in this slightly dark photo. The wind was low, but here there appears to be no sign of coif lines. Verdict: Inconclusive.
Here we get a better look at Leo’s Do. Now, notice again there is no line and the hair is holding up to the sun and wind nicely. Either he has a good toupee or this is natural. Verdict: Still inconclusive. However, who would buy a piece that has that cowlick in the back?
Here we have a comparison between Patrick and Leo’s hair. Patrick is clearly natural. Looking closely at Leo, it is clear there is no chemical used to adhere the hair to his scalp. Notice the glare, clearly this is the baby skin of newly exposed flesh. An airplane landed in the parking lot nearby after this photo was taken. They thought they had discovered a lost hiker signaling with a mirror. Verdict: Leaning towards real hair. Of course, some good wigs are made of real hair. Perhaps Leo’s wigmaker is an artiste.
Here we see Leo signing. This is the best view of our suspicions. There is a definite delineation between what’s up top and what’s below. Notice his equatorial line. Verdict: Inconclusive. Perhaps working on cable is hazardous to one’s hair color and hairline.
My favorite picture of the day, by the way. Here I think we can conclude that Leo does not wear a piece. That is the hair he was born with, though slightly out of style. I think Alan Alda had that hair cut during the first season of M*A*S*H. Oh, and guys, we thought the guy from Charter was a schmuck too. Verdict: It’s real.
Conclusion: Leo needs a new hairstylist. Perhaps that’s what we should have told Paul. Mr. Block, please . . . Provide your star with proper access to proper hair-styling. You can’t afford to lose his talent to another network because he was dissatisfied with the coif with which you provided him.
Leo: You need a new contract. No matter what they tell you, Great Clips is not the official hair styling salon of TechTV. They’re just trying to keep the bills low by sending you out for hair cuts at $11.99 a piece. $9.99 if they give you a coupon clipped from the back of a grocery receipt. That’s a damn cool watch, though.
I want to go back to that last photo for a second. Look over Patrick’s shoulder at the woman standing below the words “Everything cool . . .” It’s clear she’s looking at the group of us wondering, “Is this really cool? I mean, really. Is it? And where did I leave my Celine Dion CD?”
Thanks to Todd for sharing his pics. You can see his more creative work at Optical Musings.
Friday, May 17, 2002
"Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies--God damn it, you've got to be kind."
--Kurt Vonnegut, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater
Sorry for the lack of update yesterday. I was not feeling well. Then the kids and I had to play all evening.
But today . . . today is reserved for instruction. Today I explain the mysteries of pregnancy to my dear friends, The Artists, who are expecting their first child. I think they expect the child to be human, in the very least. I expect he or she will be very odd. If you knew The Artists, you would agree. Artist husband spent the bulk of his youth analyzing the social implications of Star Trek. Artist wife was more normal. But that’s only relative. I’ve spoken to some of her friends and have heard stories about their misadventures in college. Let’s just say that . . . Where they live, the police must be very forgiving.
I’m extremely excited about their little one’s arrival. I think they’ll be fantastic parents. They just need to remember what too many new parents forget: Relax! The baby feeds off of your energy. If you are tense, the baby will sense that and be tense. Though it is amazingly difficult to remain calm with a colicky baby, the looser and calmer you are, the easier it will be to calm the baby. After all, if you were upset and someone who was tense and excitable tried to calm you down, how would you feel?
So, here are the things that NO ONE will tell you about pregnancy. Cut these out and place them in your wallet.
1. Super Smell and Super Taste. I don’t know if it’s related to the hormones or the fact that a woman has the power to grow life (which is a pretty awesome power, when you think of it . . . The only life men can grow is the fungus in ten-year-old tennis shoes). But the fact remains: Pregnancy leads to the development of superpowers. ESP is one. She'll know what you are thinking. Even if you think that you aren't thinking what you says you're thinking, you would be wrong. But Super Smell and Super Taste are the ones you need to look out for.
It starts small. You’ll find out that she doesn’t like the smell of something you’ve always eaten. For the sake of argument, let’s say it’s potatoes. The smell will make her nauseous. You will be unable to go anywhere that has a hint of potatoes. Potatoes will be her mortal enemy. Want to go to Bill and Sharon’s house? You can’t. Why? Because on July 17, 1984 they ate potato soup. She’ll remember it clearly. But, you’ll say, “That was so long ago!” It doesn’t matter; it’ll smell like potatoes. Can Bill and Sharon come over? Hell no! They’ll have the smell in their clothes!
Then comes the taste. Do you have any pots or pans that have cook the offending dish? Throw them out. Because no matter what is cooked in them now will taste like potatoes. Did you eat potato chips last Thursday and make her a sandwich this afternoon? Throw the sandwich away. There will be a hint of legume essence on the bread, which, of course, will seep into the condiments and ruin the whole thing.
The important thing to remember is that her nausea must be avoided at all costs. This is a sort of nausea that no man will ever understand. It blows the stomach flu, food poisoning and alcohol out of the water. There is no nausea like this on the planet. It isn’t felt in her stomach, but in her whole being. Her aura is nauseated. She’ll actually be able to shoot nausea across the room to you.
2. You must be willing to leave the house at any time, for any reason. This is no longer your home. It is incubation central and the woman rules the roost. That’s not your TV. It isn’t your stereo and that’s certainly not your bed. Anything and everything in that house is used as a tool for pregnancy. One day you may come home and find her massaging her back with a meat tenderizer and n frayed electrical wire. Do not ask why. But, for the sake of all humanity, offer to help!
She may ask you to leave for a number of reasons. It is your duty as a husband to do so. She may want humus at 2 a.m. Get it. Find it at all costs. She has a ravenous need for humus. Do not ignore the need or you will be killed. She may ask you to leave for a full week because you breathe funny. This may or may not be true. But, she has more hormones running through her body on a daily basis than you have had in your entire life. She has a human being leaping from her stomach to her liver and bouncing off her ribs. She’s uncomfortable. If she wants you out of the house, it’s better for all to leave until you are invited back. Pregnant woman have powers, my friend, and you do not.
3. Breasts. They will grow. Leave them alone. They’re not for you.
4. The bladder. She will be using the bathroom every ten minutes. Again, she has a human being sitting on her bladder. You’d pee every ten minutes too of I pushed on your bladder 24 hours a day. Be understanding. It will take you three weeks to watch a movie. Never complain. And NEVER tease her about it. Remember, you cannot possibly understand what she’s going through. Your job is to make her comfortable.
5. For her comfort and happiness your wife will begin sleeping with another man. This man will be in the form of a body pillow. Only he will be able to make her comfortable through the night. Only this body pillow will alleviate the back problems, leg pains and breathing problems she will be experiencing. I hope you have a big bed, because the whole thing now belongs to her. You will get exactly ¾ of an inch. And none of the covers.
6. Temperature. The laws of physics no longer apply. She will be hot when it is 12 below zero. She will be cold when it is 110. Live with it. You will be unable to do anything about it. In the winter your home will be somewhere near absolute zero. Pets will be freezing in mid-walk.
7. Your wife has the right to change her mind at any given time. For example . . . you are having friends over for dinner. At 10 a.m. you plan a menu that consists of several Mexican dishes. At 4 p.m. you buy the materials to create said dinner. At 4:30, she will decide she needs Italian. You go back to the store and pick up the materials. At 5 p.m. you begin cooking. At 5:30 she’ll decide she wants Chinese. You go back to the store. At 7 p.m. dinner is served. You and your guests have a lovely time, and great conversation. At 8 p.m., while you are doing the dishes, she’ll really wish you had had Mexican instead.
YOU MUST SMILE through this whole process. No complaints. Unless you want to find out what it’s like to have spaghetti shoved up through your nose and removed through another orifice.
8. During labor never say, “Hey that was a big contraction” or “That one didn’t seem bad.” You’ve never had the sensation of having your body try to expel another human being. And, if you do not want to find out then only say, “Honey you’re doing great!” Do not turn on the TV. Do not crack jokes. The woman you are looking at is working. Very hard. She’s working to give birth and that, my friend, is an amazing process. It’s also something that she has been both looking forward to and fearing for a long time. She’s been thinking about this moment since before you met. Tell her that you love her. That you are happy to be there with her, sharing this moment. And you know what? Thank her for being your wife. She deserves it.
9. This is the most important. YOU ARE WRONG. No matter what the situation. You are wrong. If she says the Smurfs fought the War of 1812 in 1945 then, damn it, it was.
10. Ever heard of a home vasectomy kit? If you violate any of the other nine rules, you will. Try to decline the offer.
In all seriousness, this process will be the most amazing months of your life. Even now, with my baby here, growing daily and cute as a button, part of me misses pregnancy. Part of me misses feeling the baby move. Seeing the ultrasound and wondering, “What will you be like?” And hearing the heartbeat for the first time . . .
Treasure every moment. You won’t get it back. You aren’t waiting for the baby, it’s already here. It’s already a part of your life. Talk to it. Tell it about yourself.
And that moment, when you first see that child . . . you will cry. Because you’ve just witnessed a new life beginning. That moment is like the first page of a story and you have no idea how it will end. You will cry when you see this beautiful little person cradled in your wife’s arms for the first time and realize that everything you love . . . everything that makes life worth living is sitting there right in front of you. And that moment will be perfect.
Unless you say, “Hey, he looks like Winston Churchill.” Then, my friend, you’re on your own.
--Kurt Vonnegut, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater
Sorry for the lack of update yesterday. I was not feeling well. Then the kids and I had to play all evening.
But today . . . today is reserved for instruction. Today I explain the mysteries of pregnancy to my dear friends, The Artists, who are expecting their first child. I think they expect the child to be human, in the very least. I expect he or she will be very odd. If you knew The Artists, you would agree. Artist husband spent the bulk of his youth analyzing the social implications of Star Trek. Artist wife was more normal. But that’s only relative. I’ve spoken to some of her friends and have heard stories about their misadventures in college. Let’s just say that . . . Where they live, the police must be very forgiving.
I’m extremely excited about their little one’s arrival. I think they’ll be fantastic parents. They just need to remember what too many new parents forget: Relax! The baby feeds off of your energy. If you are tense, the baby will sense that and be tense. Though it is amazingly difficult to remain calm with a colicky baby, the looser and calmer you are, the easier it will be to calm the baby. After all, if you were upset and someone who was tense and excitable tried to calm you down, how would you feel?
So, here are the things that NO ONE will tell you about pregnancy. Cut these out and place them in your wallet.
1. Super Smell and Super Taste. I don’t know if it’s related to the hormones or the fact that a woman has the power to grow life (which is a pretty awesome power, when you think of it . . . The only life men can grow is the fungus in ten-year-old tennis shoes). But the fact remains: Pregnancy leads to the development of superpowers. ESP is one. She'll know what you are thinking. Even if you think that you aren't thinking what you says you're thinking, you would be wrong. But Super Smell and Super Taste are the ones you need to look out for.
It starts small. You’ll find out that she doesn’t like the smell of something you’ve always eaten. For the sake of argument, let’s say it’s potatoes. The smell will make her nauseous. You will be unable to go anywhere that has a hint of potatoes. Potatoes will be her mortal enemy. Want to go to Bill and Sharon’s house? You can’t. Why? Because on July 17, 1984 they ate potato soup. She’ll remember it clearly. But, you’ll say, “That was so long ago!” It doesn’t matter; it’ll smell like potatoes. Can Bill and Sharon come over? Hell no! They’ll have the smell in their clothes!
Then comes the taste. Do you have any pots or pans that have cook the offending dish? Throw them out. Because no matter what is cooked in them now will taste like potatoes. Did you eat potato chips last Thursday and make her a sandwich this afternoon? Throw the sandwich away. There will be a hint of legume essence on the bread, which, of course, will seep into the condiments and ruin the whole thing.
The important thing to remember is that her nausea must be avoided at all costs. This is a sort of nausea that no man will ever understand. It blows the stomach flu, food poisoning and alcohol out of the water. There is no nausea like this on the planet. It isn’t felt in her stomach, but in her whole being. Her aura is nauseated. She’ll actually be able to shoot nausea across the room to you.
2. You must be willing to leave the house at any time, for any reason. This is no longer your home. It is incubation central and the woman rules the roost. That’s not your TV. It isn’t your stereo and that’s certainly not your bed. Anything and everything in that house is used as a tool for pregnancy. One day you may come home and find her massaging her back with a meat tenderizer and n frayed electrical wire. Do not ask why. But, for the sake of all humanity, offer to help!
She may ask you to leave for a number of reasons. It is your duty as a husband to do so. She may want humus at 2 a.m. Get it. Find it at all costs. She has a ravenous need for humus. Do not ignore the need or you will be killed. She may ask you to leave for a full week because you breathe funny. This may or may not be true. But, she has more hormones running through her body on a daily basis than you have had in your entire life. She has a human being leaping from her stomach to her liver and bouncing off her ribs. She’s uncomfortable. If she wants you out of the house, it’s better for all to leave until you are invited back. Pregnant woman have powers, my friend, and you do not.
3. Breasts. They will grow. Leave them alone. They’re not for you.
4. The bladder. She will be using the bathroom every ten minutes. Again, she has a human being sitting on her bladder. You’d pee every ten minutes too of I pushed on your bladder 24 hours a day. Be understanding. It will take you three weeks to watch a movie. Never complain. And NEVER tease her about it. Remember, you cannot possibly understand what she’s going through. Your job is to make her comfortable.
5. For her comfort and happiness your wife will begin sleeping with another man. This man will be in the form of a body pillow. Only he will be able to make her comfortable through the night. Only this body pillow will alleviate the back problems, leg pains and breathing problems she will be experiencing. I hope you have a big bed, because the whole thing now belongs to her. You will get exactly ¾ of an inch. And none of the covers.
6. Temperature. The laws of physics no longer apply. She will be hot when it is 12 below zero. She will be cold when it is 110. Live with it. You will be unable to do anything about it. In the winter your home will be somewhere near absolute zero. Pets will be freezing in mid-walk.
7. Your wife has the right to change her mind at any given time. For example . . . you are having friends over for dinner. At 10 a.m. you plan a menu that consists of several Mexican dishes. At 4 p.m. you buy the materials to create said dinner. At 4:30, she will decide she needs Italian. You go back to the store and pick up the materials. At 5 p.m. you begin cooking. At 5:30 she’ll decide she wants Chinese. You go back to the store. At 7 p.m. dinner is served. You and your guests have a lovely time, and great conversation. At 8 p.m., while you are doing the dishes, she’ll really wish you had had Mexican instead.
YOU MUST SMILE through this whole process. No complaints. Unless you want to find out what it’s like to have spaghetti shoved up through your nose and removed through another orifice.
8. During labor never say, “Hey that was a big contraction” or “That one didn’t seem bad.” You’ve never had the sensation of having your body try to expel another human being. And, if you do not want to find out then only say, “Honey you’re doing great!” Do not turn on the TV. Do not crack jokes. The woman you are looking at is working. Very hard. She’s working to give birth and that, my friend, is an amazing process. It’s also something that she has been both looking forward to and fearing for a long time. She’s been thinking about this moment since before you met. Tell her that you love her. That you are happy to be there with her, sharing this moment. And you know what? Thank her for being your wife. She deserves it.
9. This is the most important. YOU ARE WRONG. No matter what the situation. You are wrong. If she says the Smurfs fought the War of 1812 in 1945 then, damn it, it was.
10. Ever heard of a home vasectomy kit? If you violate any of the other nine rules, you will. Try to decline the offer.
In all seriousness, this process will be the most amazing months of your life. Even now, with my baby here, growing daily and cute as a button, part of me misses pregnancy. Part of me misses feeling the baby move. Seeing the ultrasound and wondering, “What will you be like?” And hearing the heartbeat for the first time . . .
Treasure every moment. You won’t get it back. You aren’t waiting for the baby, it’s already here. It’s already a part of your life. Talk to it. Tell it about yourself.
And that moment, when you first see that child . . . you will cry. Because you’ve just witnessed a new life beginning. That moment is like the first page of a story and you have no idea how it will end. You will cry when you see this beautiful little person cradled in your wife’s arms for the first time and realize that everything you love . . . everything that makes life worth living is sitting there right in front of you. And that moment will be perfect.
Unless you say, “Hey, he looks like Winston Churchill.” Then, my friend, you’re on your own.
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
I don't know why I did it. I really don't. But, I made a Geek Store. You can buy geek stuff with my crappy geek logo. The only upside I can see is that I put some funny sayings on some of the things. Why? I have no fargin' idea. But it was fun.
There's a solid link over to the left.
If anyone actually buys something I may pass out.
I kind of like the little guy. He has a minimalist quality I like. I drew him, so don't make fun of him. I'm fragile.
There's a solid link over to the left.
If anyone actually buys something I may pass out.
I kind of like the little guy. He has a minimalist quality I like. I drew him, so don't make fun of him. I'm fragile.
So, about those superheroes. I’ve been considering them ever since I saw Spider-Man. It’s been foremost on my mind.
First, let’s consider the staples of the superhero world. Superman and Batman.
Superman flies. He is bulletproof and has heat vision. Why? Because he came from a planet with a red sun and Earth has a yellow sun, of course! How this explains superpowers is beyond me.
But Geekfriend and I were talking about Superman and have begun to wonder about a few things.
1. He flies at super speeds, without goggles. How does he do this and keep his eyes open? We figure the only explanation is that he has Supertears. His eyes water at such amazing speeds that you cannot even see the tears.
2. He may be bulletproof, but the guy still has skin. Again, flying at such speeds creates friction. Would he not chafe? Does he add lubing up with Vaseline as part of his great changing from Clark to Superman routine? He’d need to, otherwise he’d have dry, cracked skin and Lois wouldn’t be interested in his flaky ass. It would also explain why super villains tend to slip through his grasp.
3. He wears a cape when he flies. Now, I’m no physicist but I believe this would create drag and slow him down. It serves no purpose in his ability to fly. Except, that is, that capes look cool as they flap in the breeze. Even Zorro wore one. Therefore, we conclude that Superman wears a cape because it is color-coordinated with his uniform. He thinks he looks fabulous.
On to Batman. This guy has no superpowers. He only has rage and an unlimited source of wealth. With a little therapy and a new financial advisor that wouldn’t allow him to spend untold millions on his secret lair, he’d be fine. Just another spoiled, rich guy who shreds documents and buys politicians like consumer electronics.
In the real world, none of these guys would stand a chance. No one would believe that a) they have super powers or b) they are truly trying to do good. They’d be considered freaks, ranked up there with the crazies that claim to be Elvis and Jesus. They’d be driven out of town or submitted to random drug tests.
Plus, these idiots have a very strenuous job. And, yet, they wear spandex. The fight and fly in heat! They should be one slippery mass of sweat. Superman should be passing out from heat exhaustion as he fights Lex Luthor. But that never happens. Dehydration is not a concern in the superhero universe.
What’s worse is Spider-Man, god love the guy. But if his skin allows him to stick to walls, how is it possible for him to wear the suit? Wouldn’t that block his ability? Or is that too rational?
Plus, he and Batman both wear masks when they fight Evil. Do they have no consideration for peripheral vision? How can they see what’s coming?
Lastly, if I were a superhero I wouldn’t want to hide my identity. I’d let everyone know who I was. I’d flaunt my power and have people fear me because they’d never know when I might fly off or cling to a wall while shopping for groceries.
Which brings me to superheroes that would exist in the real world.
Naked-Man. He has no superpower. However, he has a glandular problem that causes him to sweat profusely. He catches the bad guy by putting their heads in a scissors lock. Now, really, would you want to have your head caught in the sweaty, hairy legs of a naked guy who thinks he could fight crime?
Head-Rush. Again, no superpowers. Just a stoner who thinks he has super powers. He tries to pick up cars and, every Friday night, with Techno music pounding, he thinks he can fly. His friends encourage him to try because he’s really, really annoying.
Stinky-Man. He actually exists. He rides public transportation all day long and, no matter when or where you ride, he sits next to you.
Super-Bitch. Her powers come every 28 days. And when they do, you better watch out. She’ll ask you if her butt looks fat in her tights and, if you answer wrong, you will be in a world of hurt.
Catholic-Mom. The power of guilt should never be messed with. She’ll have you give up your life of crime and mowing her lawn within 15 minutes.
First, let’s consider the staples of the superhero world. Superman and Batman.
Superman flies. He is bulletproof and has heat vision. Why? Because he came from a planet with a red sun and Earth has a yellow sun, of course! How this explains superpowers is beyond me.
But Geekfriend and I were talking about Superman and have begun to wonder about a few things.
1. He flies at super speeds, without goggles. How does he do this and keep his eyes open? We figure the only explanation is that he has Supertears. His eyes water at such amazing speeds that you cannot even see the tears.
2. He may be bulletproof, but the guy still has skin. Again, flying at such speeds creates friction. Would he not chafe? Does he add lubing up with Vaseline as part of his great changing from Clark to Superman routine? He’d need to, otherwise he’d have dry, cracked skin and Lois wouldn’t be interested in his flaky ass. It would also explain why super villains tend to slip through his grasp.
3. He wears a cape when he flies. Now, I’m no physicist but I believe this would create drag and slow him down. It serves no purpose in his ability to fly. Except, that is, that capes look cool as they flap in the breeze. Even Zorro wore one. Therefore, we conclude that Superman wears a cape because it is color-coordinated with his uniform. He thinks he looks fabulous.
On to Batman. This guy has no superpowers. He only has rage and an unlimited source of wealth. With a little therapy and a new financial advisor that wouldn’t allow him to spend untold millions on his secret lair, he’d be fine. Just another spoiled, rich guy who shreds documents and buys politicians like consumer electronics.
In the real world, none of these guys would stand a chance. No one would believe that a) they have super powers or b) they are truly trying to do good. They’d be considered freaks, ranked up there with the crazies that claim to be Elvis and Jesus. They’d be driven out of town or submitted to random drug tests.
Plus, these idiots have a very strenuous job. And, yet, they wear spandex. The fight and fly in heat! They should be one slippery mass of sweat. Superman should be passing out from heat exhaustion as he fights Lex Luthor. But that never happens. Dehydration is not a concern in the superhero universe.
What’s worse is Spider-Man, god love the guy. But if his skin allows him to stick to walls, how is it possible for him to wear the suit? Wouldn’t that block his ability? Or is that too rational?
Plus, he and Batman both wear masks when they fight Evil. Do they have no consideration for peripheral vision? How can they see what’s coming?
Lastly, if I were a superhero I wouldn’t want to hide my identity. I’d let everyone know who I was. I’d flaunt my power and have people fear me because they’d never know when I might fly off or cling to a wall while shopping for groceries.
Which brings me to superheroes that would exist in the real world.
Naked-Man. He has no superpower. However, he has a glandular problem that causes him to sweat profusely. He catches the bad guy by putting their heads in a scissors lock. Now, really, would you want to have your head caught in the sweaty, hairy legs of a naked guy who thinks he could fight crime?
Head-Rush. Again, no superpowers. Just a stoner who thinks he has super powers. He tries to pick up cars and, every Friday night, with Techno music pounding, he thinks he can fly. His friends encourage him to try because he’s really, really annoying.
Stinky-Man. He actually exists. He rides public transportation all day long and, no matter when or where you ride, he sits next to you.
Super-Bitch. Her powers come every 28 days. And when they do, you better watch out. She’ll ask you if her butt looks fat in her tights and, if you answer wrong, you will be in a world of hurt.
Catholic-Mom. The power of guilt should never be messed with. She’ll have you give up your life of crime and mowing her lawn within 15 minutes.
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