"Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies--God damn it, you've got to be kind."
--Kurt Vonnegut, God Bless You, Mr. Rosewater

Sorry for the lack of update yesterday. I was not feeling well. Then the kids and I had to play all evening.

But today . . . today is reserved for instruction. Today I explain the mysteries of pregnancy to my dear friends, The Artists, who are expecting their first child. I think they expect the child to be human, in the very least. I expect he or she will be very odd. If you knew The Artists, you would agree. Artist husband spent the bulk of his youth analyzing the social implications of Star Trek. Artist wife was more normal. But that’s only relative. I’ve spoken to some of her friends and have heard stories about their misadventures in college. Let’s just say that . . . Where they live, the police must be very forgiving.

I’m extremely excited about their little one’s arrival. I think they’ll be fantastic parents. They just need to remember what too many new parents forget: Relax! The baby feeds off of your energy. If you are tense, the baby will sense that and be tense. Though it is amazingly difficult to remain calm with a colicky baby, the looser and calmer you are, the easier it will be to calm the baby. After all, if you were upset and someone who was tense and excitable tried to calm you down, how would you feel?

So, here are the things that NO ONE will tell you about pregnancy. Cut these out and place them in your wallet.

1. Super Smell and Super Taste. I don’t know if it’s related to the hormones or the fact that a woman has the power to grow life (which is a pretty awesome power, when you think of it . . . The only life men can grow is the fungus in ten-year-old tennis shoes). But the fact remains: Pregnancy leads to the development of superpowers. ESP is one. She'll know what you are thinking. Even if you think that you aren't thinking what you says you're thinking, you would be wrong. But Super Smell and Super Taste are the ones you need to look out for.

It starts small. You’ll find out that she doesn’t like the smell of something you’ve always eaten. For the sake of argument, let’s say it’s potatoes. The smell will make her nauseous. You will be unable to go anywhere that has a hint of potatoes. Potatoes will be her mortal enemy. Want to go to Bill and Sharon’s house? You can’t. Why? Because on July 17, 1984 they ate potato soup. She’ll remember it clearly. But, you’ll say, “That was so long ago!” It doesn’t matter; it’ll smell like potatoes. Can Bill and Sharon come over? Hell no! They’ll have the smell in their clothes!

Then comes the taste. Do you have any pots or pans that have cook the offending dish? Throw them out. Because no matter what is cooked in them now will taste like potatoes. Did you eat potato chips last Thursday and make her a sandwich this afternoon? Throw the sandwich away. There will be a hint of legume essence on the bread, which, of course, will seep into the condiments and ruin the whole thing.

The important thing to remember is that her nausea must be avoided at all costs. This is a sort of nausea that no man will ever understand. It blows the stomach flu, food poisoning and alcohol out of the water. There is no nausea like this on the planet. It isn’t felt in her stomach, but in her whole being. Her aura is nauseated. She’ll actually be able to shoot nausea across the room to you.

2. You must be willing to leave the house at any time, for any reason. This is no longer your home. It is incubation central and the woman rules the roost. That’s not your TV. It isn’t your stereo and that’s certainly not your bed. Anything and everything in that house is used as a tool for pregnancy. One day you may come home and find her massaging her back with a meat tenderizer and n frayed electrical wire. Do not ask why. But, for the sake of all humanity, offer to help!

She may ask you to leave for a number of reasons. It is your duty as a husband to do so. She may want humus at 2 a.m. Get it. Find it at all costs. She has a ravenous need for humus. Do not ignore the need or you will be killed. She may ask you to leave for a full week because you breathe funny. This may or may not be true. But, she has more hormones running through her body on a daily basis than you have had in your entire life. She has a human being leaping from her stomach to her liver and bouncing off her ribs. She’s uncomfortable. If she wants you out of the house, it’s better for all to leave until you are invited back. Pregnant woman have powers, my friend, and you do not.

3. Breasts. They will grow. Leave them alone. They’re not for you.

4. The bladder. She will be using the bathroom every ten minutes. Again, she has a human being sitting on her bladder. You’d pee every ten minutes too of I pushed on your bladder 24 hours a day. Be understanding. It will take you three weeks to watch a movie. Never complain. And NEVER tease her about it. Remember, you cannot possibly understand what she’s going through. Your job is to make her comfortable.

5. For her comfort and happiness your wife will begin sleeping with another man. This man will be in the form of a body pillow. Only he will be able to make her comfortable through the night. Only this body pillow will alleviate the back problems, leg pains and breathing problems she will be experiencing. I hope you have a big bed, because the whole thing now belongs to her. You will get exactly ¾ of an inch. And none of the covers.

6. Temperature. The laws of physics no longer apply. She will be hot when it is 12 below zero. She will be cold when it is 110. Live with it. You will be unable to do anything about it. In the winter your home will be somewhere near absolute zero. Pets will be freezing in mid-walk.

7. Your wife has the right to change her mind at any given time. For example . . . you are having friends over for dinner. At 10 a.m. you plan a menu that consists of several Mexican dishes. At 4 p.m. you buy the materials to create said dinner. At 4:30, she will decide she needs Italian. You go back to the store and pick up the materials. At 5 p.m. you begin cooking. At 5:30 she’ll decide she wants Chinese. You go back to the store. At 7 p.m. dinner is served. You and your guests have a lovely time, and great conversation. At 8 p.m., while you are doing the dishes, she’ll really wish you had had Mexican instead.

YOU MUST SMILE through this whole process. No complaints. Unless you want to find out what it’s like to have spaghetti shoved up through your nose and removed through another orifice.

8. During labor never say, “Hey that was a big contraction” or “That one didn’t seem bad.” You’ve never had the sensation of having your body try to expel another human being. And, if you do not want to find out then only say, “Honey you’re doing great!” Do not turn on the TV. Do not crack jokes. The woman you are looking at is working. Very hard. She’s working to give birth and that, my friend, is an amazing process. It’s also something that she has been both looking forward to and fearing for a long time. She’s been thinking about this moment since before you met. Tell her that you love her. That you are happy to be there with her, sharing this moment. And you know what? Thank her for being your wife. She deserves it.

9. This is the most important. YOU ARE WRONG. No matter what the situation. You are wrong. If she says the Smurfs fought the War of 1812 in 1945 then, damn it, it was.

10. Ever heard of a home vasectomy kit? If you violate any of the other nine rules, you will. Try to decline the offer.

In all seriousness, this process will be the most amazing months of your life. Even now, with my baby here, growing daily and cute as a button, part of me misses pregnancy. Part of me misses feeling the baby move. Seeing the ultrasound and wondering, “What will you be like?” And hearing the heartbeat for the first time . . .

Treasure every moment. You won’t get it back. You aren’t waiting for the baby, it’s already here. It’s already a part of your life. Talk to it. Tell it about yourself.

And that moment, when you first see that child . . . you will cry. Because you’ve just witnessed a new life beginning. That moment is like the first page of a story and you have no idea how it will end. You will cry when you see this beautiful little person cradled in your wife’s arms for the first time and realize that everything you love . . . everything that makes life worth living is sitting there right in front of you. And that moment will be perfect.

Unless you say, “Hey, he looks like Winston Churchill.” Then, my friend, you’re on your own.