The Hair Up There

Ahhh . . . the weekend. Once there was a time in my life where I would spend such a time in a drunken stupor attempting to meet people who shared my slurred speech and red face.

This weekend? I waited in line to meet Geek Gods Leo Laporte and Patrick from TechTV’s “The Screen Savers.” To a geek, these guys are uber-cool. They are the penultimate of coolness.

Clearly, people like me don’t get out often. The fact that I was able to find a beautiful woman who was willing to marry me boggles the mind.

On with the story. We were quite shocked to see the line that was forming. We knew the show was popular, but we didn’t realize how popular. By the time things got rolling, we were about midway through the line. However, during our entire stay at the event, we noticed the end of the line never changed. People kept showing up. There were a few, we were sure, that misread the sign and though they were there for Leo and Patrick of “The Sheep Shavers.”

It was a nice sunny day, slightly cool but not bad. The sun beat down and you could hear the sizzle of the sensitive, pale geek skin cooking in the ultra-violet rays.

TSS producer Paul Block, as played by George Segal, was on hand. This was a real treat. He worked the line like a drunken father in a wedding receiving line. He asked us if there were one thing we could get rid of from the show, what would it be? So, if you work at The Screen Savers right now, be nice to Paul. He apparently is hoping to fire someone. Martin is fine. Apparently Paul thinks Martin is the funniest man on Earth. That’s why Paul is a producer. He likes to tell half-truths and mislead you. If Martin enters the entertainment world, it will be on his own terms. Ever see “King of Comedy”?

We told him that we’d like to see a urinal installed on the set. It gets embarrassing watching Patrick run off the set during the commercial bumpers.

To avoid getting fired, I suggest you buy him stinky cigars. With cigar firmly clamped between his teeth, he wandered around like Ed Asner in Mary Tyler Moore. I half expected him to start arguing with Leo, with Leo responding, “Oh Paaaaul!” and crying.

But all of this is beside the point. My real reason for attending the event was to see Leo’s hair. It has long been a point of debate between my friend John. Is it real? Or does Leo use a Flowbee? Below is a photo comparison from a nice windy Saturday. Perhaps the truth will finally be known:

Hypothesis: Leo’s hair is real, but his stylist needs help.
Evidence:


Besides the snow on the roof, it looks fine here in this slightly dark photo. The wind was low, but here there appears to be no sign of coif lines. Verdict: Inconclusive.


Here we get a better look at Leo’s Do. Now, notice again there is no line and the hair is holding up to the sun and wind nicely. Either he has a good toupee or this is natural. Verdict: Still inconclusive. However, who would buy a piece that has that cowlick in the back?




Here we have a comparison between Patrick and Leo’s hair. Patrick is clearly natural. Looking closely at Leo, it is clear there is no chemical used to adhere the hair to his scalp. Notice the glare, clearly this is the baby skin of newly exposed flesh. An airplane landed in the parking lot nearby after this photo was taken. They thought they had discovered a lost hiker signaling with a mirror. Verdict: Leaning towards real hair. Of course, some good wigs are made of real hair. Perhaps Leo’s wigmaker is an artiste.


Here we see Leo signing. This is the best view of our suspicions. There is a definite delineation between what’s up top and what’s below. Notice his equatorial line. Verdict: Inconclusive. Perhaps working on cable is hazardous to one’s hair color and hairline.


My favorite picture of the day, by the way. Here I think we can conclude that Leo does not wear a piece. That is the hair he was born with, though slightly out of style. I think Alan Alda had that hair cut during the first season of M*A*S*H. Oh, and guys, we thought the guy from Charter was a schmuck too. Verdict: It’s real.

Conclusion: Leo needs a new hairstylist. Perhaps that’s what we should have told Paul. Mr. Block, please . . . Provide your star with proper access to proper hair-styling. You can’t afford to lose his talent to another network because he was dissatisfied with the coif with which you provided him.

Leo: You need a new contract. No matter what they tell you, Great Clips is not the official hair styling salon of TechTV. They’re just trying to keep the bills low by sending you out for hair cuts at $11.99 a piece. $9.99 if they give you a coupon clipped from the back of a grocery receipt. That’s a damn cool watch, though.

I want to go back to that last photo for a second. Look over Patrick’s shoulder at the woman standing below the words “Everything cool . . .” It’s clear she’s looking at the group of us wondering, “Is this really cool? I mean, really. Is it? And where did I leave my Celine Dion CD?”

Thanks to Todd for sharing his pics. You can see his more creative work at Optical Musings.