What do you do when your baby outsmarts the safety precautions you’ve put in place to ensure that she doesn’t hurt herself?

We spent the weekend covering outlets, padding corners, locking cabinets and placing things that are breakable, chokable and flammable out of her reach. It’s our duty as parents to ensure that Baby Gertrude doesn’t hurt herself. Now, after what she’s done, we fear for the welfare of the planet.

First, it’s important to understand that she is able to pull herself up from a sitting position. Now, this doesn’t seem all that exciting to you because you’ve had this skill for quite some time. You lose it periodically when something like a keg or Jagermeister is involved but, for the most part, you are quite adept at standing up.

Understand that Baby Gertrude is only six months old. From what I understand she isn’t even supposed to be crawling yet. The little wiener is ahead of the curve. Of course, this works out well for me because that also means she’s two months ahead on her training for the first manned mission to Mars.

I mean, this kid is incredible. She’s able to pull a full gee while sleeping!

It all started two weeks ago when we placed her toys in a new set of colorful bins. We were proud of them. Primary colors, short and squat. Completely mobile so that we can move them out to her as needed. Within three minutes of the set up the bins were on top of her, toys everywhere. After hearing the crash and seeing her pinned beneath these plastic bins I expected the obligatory scream to follow. Not so. She had a book and was eating it contently, despite the fact that she was buried underneath seventeen pounds of toys.

But it gets worse. We padded the corners of furniture so that she couldn’t hit her sensitive little noggin as she played. Seems sensible enough. These little rubber corner protectors are soft and malleable so that she’ll bounce right off. They are applied to the wood using NASA-style super-duper strength non-toxic adhesive.

Within one minute she had them off the corners and in her mouth. She moved so quickly and with such precision I had no time to stop her. Oddly, I was sitting next to the scene of the crime when it happened. I swear that she was at lest fifteen feet away from these safety devices.

Maybe she’s telling me something. Perhaps she’s trying to explain that, though I have every parent’s intense desire to protect her from harm that it is inevitable that something will happen. She needs to learn that the Universe may not always be the most conscientious playmate. Sometimes it bites back.

But still, I have to provide her with a safe environment. But, how can I do so when she defeats all possible safety devices? Will I need to provide secondary backups? Even tertiary? What’s a dad to do?

Not that it matters. At six months she’s able to kick my ass.

My wife doesn’t believe that she has super powers. But I know it’s true. Flying isn’t far off. I just hope she uses these powers for the forces of good, not evil.

I’d hate to be the father of the world’s first super villain.