So, about those superheroes. I’ve been considering them ever since I saw Spider-Man. It’s been foremost on my mind.

First, let’s consider the staples of the superhero world. Superman and Batman.

Superman flies. He is bulletproof and has heat vision. Why? Because he came from a planet with a red sun and Earth has a yellow sun, of course! How this explains superpowers is beyond me.

But Geekfriend and I were talking about Superman and have begun to wonder about a few things.

1. He flies at super speeds, without goggles. How does he do this and keep his eyes open? We figure the only explanation is that he has Supertears. His eyes water at such amazing speeds that you cannot even see the tears.

2. He may be bulletproof, but the guy still has skin. Again, flying at such speeds creates friction. Would he not chafe? Does he add lubing up with Vaseline as part of his great changing from Clark to Superman routine? He’d need to, otherwise he’d have dry, cracked skin and Lois wouldn’t be interested in his flaky ass. It would also explain why super villains tend to slip through his grasp.

3. He wears a cape when he flies. Now, I’m no physicist but I believe this would create drag and slow him down. It serves no purpose in his ability to fly. Except, that is, that capes look cool as they flap in the breeze. Even Zorro wore one. Therefore, we conclude that Superman wears a cape because it is color-coordinated with his uniform. He thinks he looks fabulous.

On to Batman. This guy has no superpowers. He only has rage and an unlimited source of wealth. With a little therapy and a new financial advisor that wouldn’t allow him to spend untold millions on his secret lair, he’d be fine. Just another spoiled, rich guy who shreds documents and buys politicians like consumer electronics.

In the real world, none of these guys would stand a chance. No one would believe that a) they have super powers or b) they are truly trying to do good. They’d be considered freaks, ranked up there with the crazies that claim to be Elvis and Jesus. They’d be driven out of town or submitted to random drug tests.

Plus, these idiots have a very strenuous job. And, yet, they wear spandex. The fight and fly in heat! They should be one slippery mass of sweat. Superman should be passing out from heat exhaustion as he fights Lex Luthor. But that never happens. Dehydration is not a concern in the superhero universe.

What’s worse is Spider-Man, god love the guy. But if his skin allows him to stick to walls, how is it possible for him to wear the suit? Wouldn’t that block his ability? Or is that too rational?

Plus, he and Batman both wear masks when they fight Evil. Do they have no consideration for peripheral vision? How can they see what’s coming?

Lastly, if I were a superhero I wouldn’t want to hide my identity. I’d let everyone know who I was. I’d flaunt my power and have people fear me because they’d never know when I might fly off or cling to a wall while shopping for groceries.

Which brings me to superheroes that would exist in the real world.

Naked-Man. He has no superpower. However, he has a glandular problem that causes him to sweat profusely. He catches the bad guy by putting their heads in a scissors lock. Now, really, would you want to have your head caught in the sweaty, hairy legs of a naked guy who thinks he could fight crime?

Head-Rush. Again, no superpowers. Just a stoner who thinks he has super powers. He tries to pick up cars and, every Friday night, with Techno music pounding, he thinks he can fly. His friends encourage him to try because he’s really, really annoying.

Stinky-Man. He actually exists. He rides public transportation all day long and, no matter when or where you ride, he sits next to you.

Super-Bitch. Her powers come every 28 days. And when they do, you better watch out. She’ll ask you if her butt looks fat in her tights and, if you answer wrong, you will be in a world of hurt.

Catholic-Mom. The power of guilt should never be messed with. She’ll have you give up your life of crime and mowing her lawn within 15 minutes.