How Can You Laugh

When you know that I’m down?

(Don’t read this if you don’t want to. It’s less of a post, more of a free-writing experiment to figure some things out in my own head. Seriously, click away now if you don’t want to read a treatise, with quotes from Bob Dylan and Randy Newman, about my recent bad mood. Seriously. If you need the goofy strangeness I usually post go here instead. Trust me on that.)

I had this great big post planned for today, explaining this mood I’ve been in lately that has spurred me to take my mental vacation that has never exactly come to fruition. But I realized, quite simply, I can’t figure it out myself. So, how can I explain to others what I can’t figure out on my own? You could probably trace my mood back to the Neil Young post of a few weeks ago.

Facts: I’m feeling down in the dumps. Reasons? Could be many, could be few. It’s hard to tell. But I do know that my moods swing like a razor sharp pendulum that can take your head off if you’re standing too close.

I’m also changing a variety of things in my life; including self-destructive behavior that I’ve clutched to since I was a young, rebellious idiot. Between the personal inventory I’m constantly taking because of the changes, and the general sense of doom I feel, I’ve been kind of a jerk.

So far I’ve pissed off my wife and a good friend in the span of about 24 hours. So, I’d say my track record is pretty good. One’s not mad at me anymore, the other . . . well, I’m not so sure.

Here’s the thing though. Sometimes people need to deal with their problems in their own way. Some people use medication, others therapy, others drink until they forget who they are. Some people enjoy being with friends and family until they just feel better. Me? Well . . . as the great Rap stylist MC Bobby D would say:

What's the matter with me,
I don't have much to say,
Daylight sneakin' through the window
And I'm still in this all-night cafe.
Walkin' to and fro beneath the moon
Out to where the trucks are rollin' slow,
To sit down on this bank of sand
And watch the river flow.

See me, I’m different, I guess. Over the years, for various reasons, I’ve grown attached to the concept of home. We could go into the deep psychological meanings of this need to cocoon, but I don’t think it would illuminate anything that no one really knows already.

But as soon as something goes wrong, I head for the confines of home and stay there until it blows over. Whether it be a job I can’t stand to a disagreement with a friend to a death in the family to the general malaise that is creeping over me now, I run home to heal. Maybe that’s wrong, maybe it’s not. Maybe there are better ways to deal with it, I don’t know. All I know is that when I have a problem, it’s easier for me to deal with it with my family close by. Again, I leave it to the wandering poet:

Throw my ticket out the window,
Throw my suitcase out there, too,
Throw my troubles out the door,
I don't need them any more
'Cause tonight I'll be staying here with you.

Or, really, it could be more like Randy Newman said:

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me

So, let’s just say that I’m sorry to anyone I’ve trampled over recently. It hasn’t been intentional and it’s nothing personal.

I’ve run out of Bob Dylan quotes I can remember off the top of my head today. So I guess I’m done. But, for the record, I think all Greatest Hits CDs should be in chronological order. Not that it has anything to do with this. But I felt it was important.