Star Trekkin’

This one’s for David. I had originally planned to write an in-depth analysis of the evolution of the word “yeah” in Rock and Roll. This would have been followed up with a treatise about the “Art of the Hey”. But, alas, this will not be the case.

Because, once again, Geek Press has sent me off in a different direction. Paul and Linkfilter brought this amazing, cool site to my attention.

William Shatner Sings! And so does Nichelle Nichols! And Leonard Nimoy! It is a website filled geeky goodness that, in some cases, will make you vomit.

Oh yes. This music is like discovering Brian Wilson’s lost SMiLE tapes. A brilliance that has been lost to the world has once again been found. Or, to tell the truth, I believe we all buried this and hoped that no one would ever bring it up again.

My review:

William Shatner. The. Greatest. Singer. Ever. Period.

Or, well, rhythmic talker.

First Bill, as we like to call him, takes on the Lennon/McCartney classic “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”. When the Beatles first released the song there was rampant discussion on whether or not the entire song was a reference to drugs. Acid, in specific. The arrangement here is like Leonard Bernstein and Burt Bacharach getting stoned with Alan Ginsburg and, well, William Shatner. After hearing Bill’s take on it I wished I had acid. There’s something about the way Bill belches, “a GIRL with CALIDOscope EYES!” Every line finishes with the same relieving gasp, as if he has just released an enormous bowel movement. Grade: B. Still recognizable as “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds”.

Second, Bill takes on Dylan’s “Mr. Tambourine Man”. True, the Byrds had a hit with it. And, again, there was rampant discussion as to whether or not it was rife with drug references. But, in the hands of Bill Shatner, the song sounds like a man who has forgotten to take his Thorozine has wandered into a Renaissance Fair that was scored by Henry Mancini. Bill is screaming, imploring “Mr. Tambourine Man”. What makes the song fantastic is the fact that if it weren’t about drugs before, it is now. Mr. Shatner imbues the entire song with desperation of a man who needs to get stoned so bad that he’s willing to do anything. His jingle jangle morning is painful, sweating, filled with withdrawal. In fact, not only is he willing to be cast under Mr. Tambourine Man’s dancing spell. Bill PROMISES to go under it. And when he says he’s “not sleepy and there is no place I’m going to” it sounds like a thinly veiled threat. “Listen Mr. Tambourine man; give me what I want or I WON’T LEAVE.”

The next two songs, “The Transformed Man” and “Hamlet, It Was a Very Good Year” are tripe. Even compared to what we’ve already heard. “The Transformed Man” sounds like the narration of a Dragnet episode set to music. And, there is nothing good to say about “Hamlet”. The song, not the play. I felt the play was a wonderful family comedy.

But, then, we get to the brilliance. The beauty. The wonder. “Rocket Man”. Performed live, backed by Bernie Taupin himself, in front of the Science Fiction Awards. These. Are. Bill’s. People.

Even though Bernie told you what song they would be performing, when Bill starts, you aren’t quite sure Bernie was telling the truth. It’s abstract, arrhythmic. It’s frightening. And yet, exhilarating. It’s a freewheeling experiment in music, and I use the term loosely, that makes you happy to be alive. It was performed in the midst of the Disco era and it’s like Bill was saying, “I haven’t forgotten how to Rock and Roll, if that’s what you call this.”

But Bill was not the only Star Trek alum to have a recording career. No, Leonard Nimoy ventured into the world of psychedelic music, if psychedelic music is a white-bread, distilled, completely non-drug influenced music.

But “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” is so much more than that. I’m not quite sure what it is exactly, but I do know that it’s something. It’s hummable. And fun.

You can’t say the same for Nichelle Nichols, who sounds like she’s having sex with a Casio keyboard that is running low on batteries. Nichelle, never one to stray too far from her roots, is singing the theme from Star Trek. At least, I think it’s the theme from Star Trek. It sound vaguely like the sound a man makes during a colonoscopy.

Most Trekkies will tell you that the Star Trek theme had lyrics that were not used on the show. Those same Trekkies will also say that they don’t know what the hell Nichelle is singing here. The do know, however, that one minute and eight seconds into the song Nichelle Nichols does something to music that should never, ever have been done. Somewhere out in space those notes are still floating. And one day an alien culture will intercept them and come here to kill us. Mark my words.

Finally, there is “Star Trekkin’”. This isn’t by anyone in particular, and it certainly isn’t the Firm that consisted of Jimmy Page and Paul Rogers. Although, I have to be honest, I’m not sure “Radioactive” is any better song . . . Hell, that sounded like a bad hair band filtered through Taco’s “Puttin’ on the Ritz”.

Now, when it comes time to talk to your kids about drugs, keep the Nichelle Nichols song on hand. Because if your discussions and threats don’t work, waking them up once at three a.m. by blasting the last thirty seconds of her version of “Star Trek” certainly will.

I’ve quit drinking, smoking, eating, breathing and growing for the rest of my life because I’m trying to burn the sonic memory of that squeal out of my brain.

Talk about scared straight.
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