Geek Remixed

Found something I wrote a few years ago. Since summer is on its way, and we'll hear more about West Nile, I thought it would be fun to repost it. That, and I'm too lazy to do anything today. I want cheese.

Basically, I was making fun of terrorists. Isn't that fun? So . . . You know. Anyway, here it is:

Memo
Date: August 1, 1999
To: Sheik Osama Bin Laden
From: Biological Infection Section
Re: West Nile Virus and The Death of The American Infidel Pig Dog Bastards

Sheik Osama,
We have been studying very hard this “West Nile Virus” you have asked us to investigate. We’ve discovered that most people who contract the illness exhibit fever, headache, and body aches. In some cases we can even get them to get a rash. However, we’ve found that when the infirm are exposed, they also get symptoms of encephalitis, which include severe headache, high fever, stiff neck, confusion, loss of consciousness, muscle weakness and brain swelling. In extreme cases, this results in the death of the Infidel American Pig Dog Bastard.

We have discovered, however, that this only happens in the elderly, transplant patients and people with an otherwise compromised immune systems.

Delivery is also an issue. We cannot get an airborne strain. However, we can deliver it by injection by mosquito. Yes, this sounds like a radical idea. However, we’ve hired a group of out of work minstrels to inject several million of what the Pig Dogs refer to as “Skeeters” with the virus.

We will then release the bugs in New York and allow their natural mating habits (they copulate like Saddam on Viagra and whiskey!) to spread the disease throughout the Pig Dog’s nation.

Our only set back at this point is finding needles small enough to inject the bugs. Also, our workers keep missing the bugs and injecting themselves. They are all complaining of muscle aches, fever and headaches. But they have not taken the day off to recover! Right now there are fourteen miserable minstrels injecting mosquitoes!

I know what you are thinking, Sheik Osama. What good does it do us to kill the elderly and infirm?

I’m here to tell you, my Sheik, that it would cripple their economy. Right now, as we speak, millions of elderly American Pig Dogs are sitting down at an Infidel establishment known as Denny’s to eat the Super Bird at wildly discount prices because of Super Senior Savings Saturday. Not only do they eat the Super Bird, but also Grand Slam Breakfasts, Denny Burgers and Ice Cream Sundaes. Symbols of American Pig Dog excess!

But if we were to eliminate the main consumers on Super Senior Saving Saturday, we would cripple the Denny’s monopoly, thereby creating a domino effect. First, Denny’s would fold because of the lack of senior citizens. The Egg Council, who is inexorably tied to the Omelet Cartel, would shortly follow this. Of course, this would cripple the all-powerful American Pig Dog Chicken farmer. Additionally, Major League Baseball would lose a huge purveyor of their “Flip Action Sluggers Coin Cards”. By losing this outlet for their merchandise, Major League Baseball would then fall. Without baseball, men across America would fall into a deep depression, thereby compromising their immune system making them susceptible to the West Nile Virus.

The American Pig Dog would therefore be wiped off the Earth.

I will continue my research, Sheik Osama, with your blessing.

I look forward to seeing you this weekend at our 401(K) planning retreat.

Also, I need next Thursday off to wait for the cable guy.