Open Letter to Network TV Executives

Schedule (noun) - Sched´ule - an ordered list of times at which things are planned to occur.

Admittedly, my wife and I don’t watch much of your work. Generally, we’re bored by it. Given the choice, we’d find something interesting and innovative (read: Doomed to Fail) on a cable channel. On a given night we might watch Curb Your Enthusiasm, Good Eats, Farscape, The Office, or any number of shows that you neither produced, funded or otherwise had a chance to ruin.

However, when we do find a show we enjoy on network television, we like to watch it with regularity. Doing so proves difficult when you take it off the air randomly to show reruns of some dumb ass cop show that will probably be spun off into seven other dumb ass cop shows.

You see, Mr. Executive, you provide us with a schedule and we, the consumer, decide upon what to watch based on the results of this schedule. If we are told that something is going to be on Monday at 9, well, we kind of expect it to be on Monday at 9.

But you don’t agree. Because something doesn’t get enough viewers in a certain time slot, you decide to move it. Which is fine with me. Except for one thing:

You forgot to tell the damn viewer.

Your profits are based upon the number of people who watch a given program. Therefore, it is beneficial to you to actually provide the consumer with the opportunity to watch the show.

Let me put it another way. If the show isn’t on when I expect it to be, how in the living hell do you expect me to watch it you syphilitic-two-dollar-entertainment-slut?

Think of it this way: How profitable would a store be if they changed their hours and location without notice? Not very. In fact, eventually the customers would give up and go elsewhere. Better yet, try and change your time and location on your wife. How long would that last before she was wearing your testicles as baubles?

So, please, get out a dictionary. You know what that is, don’t you? The big book with all the words in it? Yes, I know all books look big and wordy to you. However, if you used this one periodically you might understand the other books. So, open your dictionary and look up “schedule”. Pretty easy to understand, right?

Well why don’t you apply that definition to your schedule you moron. Loosen your tie. You’re not getting enough oxygen.

Oh, one more thing. Quit trying to remake British shows for American audiences. The remakes aren’t funny. Leave David Brent alone.

Sincerely,

Gary O’Brien

P.S. Use that dictionary. Seriously, it’ll do you some good.