I’m Not Young

I stumbled into a very strange area this morning, thanks to a two-year-old and a tube of toothpaste. It went something like this.

“I can’t get the toothpaste out!” (Note: She thinks she’s old enough to not only brush her teeth by herself, but to combine several noxious chemicals as well.)

“Here, let me help.” (Note: This was a stupid thing to say)

“AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAAAAAHHHHHHH!”

“It’s too early in the morning for this. Let’s go to your room.” (Bad move. The change of venue puts us on her turf.)

“I don’t want you to use the toothpaste!”

“I understand honey. But there are still some things you can’t do on your own. You’re just a toddler.”

“I can do it myself!”

“Listen sweetie, you need help with the toothpaste and brushing your teeth. You could hurt yourself, fall down or swallow toothpaste. You’re too young to do it by yourself.” (At this point, daddy is dead.)

“I AM NOT YOUNG,” says a surprisingly strong voice. “I AM BIG. I CAN DO IT BY MYSELF.”

“But I . . .”

“I AM NOT YOUNG. I AM A BIG GIRL.”

“But honey, you’re only two-years-old.”

“I’M NOT TWO-YEARS-OLD! I AM TWO. I AM BIG.”

Now, keep in mind she was not yelling. She was just being very adamant about this. To make sure I understood that she is not a baby any more and I should stop treating her as such.

So, we settled our differences and decided to work on her teeth together. Something Congress can’t even do. But I got a two year old to compromise. Take that Trent Lott!

She’s apparently hit maturity. Last night we found out that she’s physically stronger than mom and can pin her to a three count. Today we find out that she’s independent. What’s going to happen tomorrow? Are we going to discover an offshore bank account where she’s been putting the royalties from her first two books, “Potty Training: Ten Steps to Parental Independence” and “Batting Your Eyes & Training Dad : He Is As Gullible As He Looks”.

We put on her shoes, together and got ready for her to go to Grandma’s. I handed her the car keys and said, “Be back by four. And watch the traffic on the bridge this morning; I hear it’s a bitch.”

Hey, she’s two. It’s not like she’s a baby anymore.