Dear Non-Descript Church:
I understand that you are trying to spread your message and convince people to worship with you. I understand that you want to foster a sense of community and reach a wide variety of people.
However, I don't think the best way to get that done is to roll up a flyer into a tube, bind it with a rubber band and throw it from a van into my front yard. Oh, sure, it will get the message out and if we give a rat's ass about our lawn, we will be sure to pick up the flyer. However, and I may be out of turn here, but I'm pretty sure that's called littering. In the future, please refrain from throwing paper into my lawn. In fact, I don't mind if you put the flyer on my doorstep or on my doorknob. As fate would have it, it's closer to my trash can and, ultimately, it's all about laziness, isn't it? After all, wasn't it laziness that caused you, O Proselytizing Ones, to just throw the flyer out of the window rather than walking it up to the door. Even the local Chinese take out has the good sense to put their menu on the doorknob. Perhaps you can learn from them.
In fact, maybe you should ask what Jesus would do in this situation. I know Jesus was quite revolutionary in his delivery of his message. And you too want to be revolutionary in your delivery of Jesus' message. However, in this case, I'm pretty sure Jesus wouldn't lob paper torpedoes at his audience.
Just a guess there. I’ve decided to collect your flyers and am planning on driving by and throwing them in your parking lot. Funny, but if I do that I could be prosecuted, couldn’t I? Hmm. Something to think about.
Thank your for your kindly faked attention.
Sincerely,
Gary O'Brien
The Unsaved
You know, when I waited tables, there were a few bastards who would come in with their five gagillion kids on Sundays. They would make a royal holy mess, and then, to add insult to injury, they would leave me an "invitation" to their church. In lieu of a tip. I think they are the same ones that put the flyers on my doorknob.
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