Ben

Some of you (cough, Angie) know that there is a song on every Ben Folds album that just gets you. For whatever reason.

On Rockin' the Suburbs it was "The Luckiest". For obvious reasons. I listen to it, I weep. Finnegan weeps. The sky weeps. It's how I feel, but didn't know it. Until the day I die, that song will choke me up.

Well, yesterday I'm listening to this song from Ben's latest "Songs for Silverman".

I teared up. Couldn't help it.

Gert's middle name, for the record, is Grace. At home we call her "Miss Grace". Now, in my head, she's "Gracie Girl".

You Know . . .

Before you label someone, before you condemn them as something, consider this:

Maybe he/she just doesn't like you.

I don't know. But consider this, no matter who you are:

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion." --The Dalai Lama

Open The Podcast Doors Hal

So, now that I own one of those iPod thingys, I assume now it's time to program my time while I drive by picking up a few podcasts and moving them off my computer. I listen to a few, but always sporadically while I work. When I drive, I could actually listen. So, dear readers, I open this up to you. What do you suggest?

Here's what I have so far:

Dawn and Drew - David can't say enough about these guys, and for some sick reason I trust his judgment.

Leo Laporte has three.

And the one that could be most dangerous for any of my friends who receive CDs from me, or my wife who lives with me and must witness my CD buying orgies, Coverville.

So what else is out there? What to you guys like?

Oh, and for the sibling who is about to email me and ask me what the hell a podcast is, read this. And before you ask what a wiki is, go here.

My Life Now Has Meaning

This is the greatest thing I've ever seen (via Boing Boing).

Quote:

A new kit announced by Estes! Prototype rocket was shown at 2005 Las Vegas NRHSA Hobby Show, and should be released in late September of this year. The design is a payload rocket powered by an B/C engine. The unique payload section can be sealed to make an flying aquarium for the included payload of sea monkeys. This is an all new kit. Correct pricing with more up-to-date and complete info will be posted when available. This info and availability is subject to change.

And for $14.99! Wow. Space monkeys.

A Choke of Grief Hard Hardened

We must put aside or growing fear of Tom Cruise to mourn the loss of a dear family friend this morning.

While doing our normal rounds this morning it was discovered that Den Fish (named for where he lived) had shuffled off this mortal coil and was fins up in the bottom of this bowl. Gertrude, distraught, came tearfully to me and explained what had happened.

"Den Fish is DEAD," she cried. "I miss den fish."

We gathered Den Fish up and had a quick ceremony out in the back yard under the tree, which is becoming our tiny pet cemetery. Gert gathered rocks and marked the grave of Den Fish. We talked about how Den Fish was a good fish, despite the fact that he seemed to truly hate everyone in the family. He was a Betta and would flare up as soon as he saw anyone. Matilda also has a Betta, who has a much brighter disposition.

Gertrude asked us many existential questions about death. But few answers satisfied her desire to see Den Fish again.

"But I miss him," she said.

"I know honey, but you remember him. And as long as you do, he'll be with you."

"He's gone," she said. "He was upside down."

"But that was just his body. Fishies give up their bodies and new fishies come in the world. It's a cycle."

"Like the rain," she asked. "Puddles fly up in the sky and make clouds?"

"Uh, something like that." She asked me how clouds were made a few days ago. I didn't know I was going to be quizzed on the water cycle's metaphoric meaning a few days later. "The important thing is that you loved him as best you could. That's all any one being can ask of another."

"I did love him."

"That's my girl," I said. "Now go get your things ready for MeeMee's house."

"Okay. Tomorrow I'm going to pick out a blue fish instead of Den Fish."

And so, the mourning ends. For it was a small fish and now we must move on. To other fishes. Maybe Den Fish's successor will actually like us.

Tom Cruise Security Alert System

In the interest of national, no, universal security, I've decided that we must institute the Tom Cruise Alert System to protect the general public from exposure and injury due to the floating gravitational field that appears to circulate around him, thus making him the center of his own universe.

It is crude and it is not pretty, but it is meant to save lives and, most importantly, educate people about the dangerous race of Pod People that are commanded by The One True Cruise.

Use this chart wisely and be sure to listen to your local media outlet. Because of the impending release of War of the Worlds, the Tom Cruise Alert System is currently set at High.

Good luck my friends. Be safe. And for the sake of all that is pure and good in this world, please turn off your TV, lest you be hypnotized and taken by The One True Cruise.

Listen Up Bitches

Tom Cruise knows things. No. He knows things. And what he knows could blow our minds because of his intense knowledge of the Thetan levels.

And Angie called him out. She will soon have to go into hiding. Look at what he did to Brooke Sheilds. Because when The One True Cruise unleashes his god-like powers attained from using this, which is either a penis pump or a recharger, we shall all kneel down and praise Cocktail.

No one scares Tom. No one. Not even Uncle Fritz, who no doubt has been relocated to another Thetan level or beaten to death with a copy of Dianetics.

Behold what the One True Cruise will do in his Wrath:

Gert, Thy Name is Vanity

Phonecam pic of bath time. It's impossible to tell she's my daughter. I don't do weird shit like this.

You Say It's Your Birthday . . .

Happy 10th birthday to Matilda! She's upstairs tottering between childhood and teenager hood by playing dolls, but in an aloof and hip way.

Wow. Ten Years. Granted, she was two when I met her. But, holy crap. What happened to the kid who used to kick my ass at Barnyard Bingo tournaments?

Wow.

Happy birthday kid.

Broken Flowers

I have to admit that I love the new screen persona that Bill Murray is cultivating. He started it with Rushmore and has been honing it ever since. The only way I can describe it is "odd schlub". He's kind of a pathetic, yet not uncool, bitter everyman. I hope he keeps it up.

Of course, teaming up with Jim Jarmusch in Broken Flowers (the French loved it, natch) is a good place to start. Again, it looks as though he's taking this numb, bitter man and making him human. In a numb and bitter way.

I've loved the last several Bill Murray movies. And I love Jim Jarmusch. To have them together is like chocolate and peanut butter.

I'm Frightened. Hold Me.

The kids, who have been tearing each other apart for two weeks, are sitting together, quietly watching TV while I blast Esquivel from the stereo. (Yes! The stereo! They're letting me listen to the stereo! Loudly!)
I'm slightly frightened about what's going on. Someone has stolen my kids' brains!

Actually, what's frightening me is that suddenly I'm a top result for Tom Cruise with any combination of weird words in Google. Type in "Tom Cruise Theory of Peanut butter" and I'm there. Not that I'm surprised. I've been a top destination for "albino nipple" and "Boobah penis" for years.

Here are my favorite recent Google searches:

1. scientology science fiction tom cruise
2. conet project lost abc
3. green poo in babies
4. what does wang chung mean (I get a lot of results for people looking for Wang Chung, though usually on my old site . . . Their appearance on NBC last week made it worse.)
5. tom cruise science
6. Ikea ottoman
7. Ikea ottoman
8. best blogs tom cruise
9. beulah lyrics my horoscope said it would be a bad year
10. mix xanax vicodin
11. valium drip (I need to start looking at what I post)
12. I am my own twin
13. update on Pauley Shore (now I'm scared)
14. "piss like a russian race horse"
15. milk-a-cow wmv
16. LYRICS I WOULD LOVE TO TURN YOUR VICE AND MAKE A SILLY ERROR TWICE (Those are lyrics to a Negro Problem song, for some reason I get a ton of hits for this song. Great song.)
17. operating thetan tom cruise
18. "good vibrations " analysis of recording techniques beach boys
19. change wood paneling
20. wilco be not so nervous be not so pale
21. "Coat ee chah tu glo wah"
22. SMILE 1967
23. yub nub
24. take a flying fuck at a rolling donut
25. counting crows and stew bleed
26. bilbo linkfilter
27. "Dan Fogelberg" blog

Um. I had a point, but I forgot whilst typing out this frivolity. Nevermind. Talk amongst yourselves.

Daddy's Day?

Couldn't have been better. I woke up just after seven and was told that I was supposed to be sleeping in. Since that was impossible, I sat on the couch drinking coffee with a groggy toddler. When Matilda roused herself from her sleeping death and saw me on the couch I was again yelled at.

In the kitchen mom and Matilda clinked, clacked and rustled. When they were ready I was presented with a breakfast that my mother used to make when I was a kid (Sugar biscuits, if you're curious). The rest of the day I just bummed around.

They did get me a present. My deceitful little wife has been hiding cash and, well, this says it all:

Please note the little white earbuds do not fit her ears. I love the look on her face.

So I spent the day playing with it. And today. And probably tomorrow. I'm giddy. I can't wait to leave the house with work go to a coffee shop and jam to Perez Prado followed by Gang of Four. Now that's life.

Incredible Things Are Happening in the World

New Radio SFT playlist today, entitled "A Rock and Roll Hymnal". All songs that should ease your existential suffering.

Or as the Dalai Lama says, "Old friends pass away, new friends appear. It is just like the days. An old day passes, a new day arrives. The important thing is to make it meaningful: a meaningful friend - or a meaningful day." Wayne Coyne mirrors that thought in "Do You Realize?" Only with more bass.

Or, in the least, make your foot tap. Whichever you need most.

Link's on the left. Over there. Sigh. Look at your hands and hold them straight up in front of you, with the back of your hands facing you. Now drop your thumbs. See the one that looks like it makes and "L"? That's your left.

Moron. Huzzah.

The World According to David Lynch

Quite literally. Daily.

I worship this man for strange and unusual reasons.

I've Got Nothing

So listen to this.

Enjoy it. It's hard not to. It comes down Friday.

Two More! Two More!

We're still on our quest for a free iPod, but we're still two people shy of meeting the requirements.

What do you have to do in order to help? Well, since this whole process is just a way to get customer referrals, you sign up for one of the offers they have listed. The Free Trials are good. We did Stamps.com and I actually liked the damn thing. Plus, you could do a Napster or Rhapsody free trial and play with the services. Then, you can convince your friends to do the same thing and you'll get a free iPod too!

Before you think it's a scam, it's not. Documented recipients of iPods exist. One lives in tea same apartment as my brother-in-law. It can be done.

If that's not enough, if you sign up and complete an order, I will do something really embarrassing and post the results online. Hey, I'm not above whoring myself. (Nothing illegal, no nudity, etc. I will shave my head though.)

Just click here. And start thinking of ways to humiliate me.

Cruelty, Thy Name is Daddy

Like Pavlovian dogs, when children hear the tinny chimes of an ice cream truck they start to twitch. Like crack addicts at Marion Berry's house, they start begging you for money.

"Dadtheicecreammanisoutsideandiwanttogetabombpop!" Over and over and over they cry.

Sometimes fate is kind and allows them an orange dream bar. Other times fate kicks them in the ass and daddy refuses to pay $2.50 for an ice cream bar shaped like Scooby-Doo that dies your daughter's face green for a month.

But now. Oh, now I have the power. You see, Beware of the Blog posted MP3s from ice cream trucks. Including the same sound that echoes through our neighborhood right about dinner time. It even has the sound of other jubilant children running to get icy summer goodness.

I feel drunk. I can't wait to make the kids run to the door only to find nothing. I wonder how many times I'll be able to do it.

Cruel? Yes, it is. But that's what dads do. We love you, but if you can make us laugh, we'll sell you down the river.

It's The End of the World As We Know It

"According to members of the Church Of Scientology, Tom Cruise has reached the sixth of eight Operating Thetan levels - he is trusted enough to know almost all of the 'secret truth of the universe.'"

Um. Waiter? Check please.

Eight Operating Thetan levels? When will he transcend crappy Spielberg SciFi?

There are certain things I don't mind Tom Cruise having. Nailclippers. A Tori Amos CD. Grocery bags. Discount coupons for Ruby Tuesdays. The secret truth of the universe? Can't we give that someone who wasn't in Losin' It?

Memories Can't Wait

This is why I like David Byrne. He's quite for a long time and then spits out something brilliant like his ruminations on the past, present and future of music as art, consumable and durable good (June 5 entry). (Uncovered via Boing Boing.)

Quoth Mr. Byrne:

What then becomes valuable in many cases is what music means to people — beyond the actual recording. Part of this meaning is in the song (or whatever) — and not necessarily in the specific recording of it. What it expresses, how it moves people, the worldview and ethos it embodies. Many of these qualities can be in the composition and exist apart from the recording and interpretation of that composition. People like "The Rite Of Spring" but are not everyone is super fussy about which recording they are hearing. Well, some are, but you get my point.

The other part of what music means is embodied in the singer, the band or the composer. It’s not even in the music and can’t be recorded, at some of it can’t. For some of this music the actual musical and lyrical content is almost irrelevant. For some pieces of music what it’s about is the relationship, the connection to, the singer, with their style, attitude, behavior, beliefs and looks more so than with the music, which is more or less relegated in this case to being the soundtrack to the lifestyle and philosophy. At best the music and everything else surrounding it — the videos, the gossip, the reputation, present a common front, a gesamtkunstwerk type piece that embodies what matters to a person.

Except for the part about a gesamtkunstwerk, that's what I've always felt. It's all about the connection and the meaning. People ask me why I like certain bands, songs, writers. My only answer can be, "I don't know. They just hit me." Sometimes I feel as though the singer/writer is an extension of my own emotional psyche. Others I only care about the melody. The way certain people can string a finite number of notes together into something fresh and exciting amazes me to no end.

But, in the end, it's the songs and what they mean. Not their context, but what they mean to me. That's why I constantly pursue music. Because I never know where the next track in the soundtrack of my goofy life may lay. It may be a steaming hunk of crap, or it could be "the one" that clicks with me.

In honor of Dave:

David Byrne - Sock It 2 Me (Missy Elliot Cover)

Now go buy Byrne. This is my favorite post-Talking Heads. It's the one that connected.

Reason #413 Why I Hate Work

While getting the dog some food, Gertrude noticed that there were crickets making a racket in the garage.

"Dad! Why are the crickets cricking during the day?"

"Why are they what?"

"Cricking. The crickets are only supposed to crick at night."

It was at that moment that I seriously, and I mean seriously, considered throwing off all of my responsibilities, loading the kids in the car and going somewhere completely unimportant but completely fun. Screw work, bills, and societal needs. My daughter thinks crick is something crickets do when they make noise.

Damn it, I have maybe a week before her language abilities develop past that. And last night she was laying in the grass, hands behind her head, staring up at the sky.

Screenwriters can't write kids like this. She's a once in a life time chance at exponential cuteness.

And yet here I am. And she's at grandma's.

Sigh.

Dear Shopping Websites

When you are advertising a product and tout that you can view a larger image by clicking on the photo, here's an idea, make the photo bigger! Not by a single pixel, but big enough to actually see detail!

Thanks. And also tell the company that is hard selling us the bathroom remodel that when we say, "We are not interested in working with you" that we aren't joking and that we mean it. I feel like I broke up with someone because after they gave us an estimate we said, "Nah."

Oh, and to the crazy lady at said office who keeps calling me, please leave me alone. Your voice is making my brain melt.

Thank you. I will now go back to being a nice person. Asshole.

Harold Faltermeyer What Hath They Done?

This is a number one hit the U.K. right now. And I thought Americans listened to terrible music. Wow.

Plus, Mom would have been 75 today.

The Latest on Sam's Benefit

How is the benefit for Sam going?

We (INTERCOT) got some coverage in a local Maryland paper for what we're doing. I know John wanted the article to have a little more on the actual benefit, but we'll take what we can get. From what I understand, we might be getting more coverage.

What's cool is that Sam is in Maryland and so is John. I'm in St. Louis. And we have donations from all over the country. Michigan, Florida, you name it. Plus, we've had some international donations as well.

How well have we done so far? Well, as mentioned, the first batch of bracelets sold out. So far:

563 Bracelets have been sold.
$4212.61 has been donated.
After paying for the bracelets and shipping, our donation (so far) will be $5665.92.

Thanks to all who have linked to Sam's bracelets, donated to the benefit, pushed me toward the right people, etc.

There's still time. Bracelets will be offered until June, 15.

Updated Playlist and More! Film at 11

New Radio SFT playlist. It's over on the nav bar, on your left. I'm too lazy to link it. Thanks to Ryan for some of the music. The first song is a present to him, due to our unnatural love for the movie Joe Versus the Volcano. Hey, it's a much better film than you think.

And, for those of you who don't like music (commies), here is something that is so funny that it should be outlawed.

A Run for the Borders

Tuesdays are Daddy Nights. Mom goes knitting and Dad takes one or more girls to do something that is cheap and interesting. Last night that consisted of letting Matilda wander the aisles of Borders for some summer reading and a quick preorder of the new Harry Potter tome.

Mom ended up joining us because no one was able to make it to knitting. While she looked at books, the girls and I investigated some CDs. While Matilda was rifling through random stacks of discs looking for some of the latest Pop Tart’s effluvium, Gertrude noticed the listen station.

“What’s this?”

“Well, if you take a CD and scan it, you can listen to the songs before you buy.” It goes without saying that this offer was too much to pass up.

I grabbed a CD and set her up with the headphones. Seeing a three-year-old with giant headphones on is pretty damn funny, I must admit. It was not unlike this photo from mom’s Flikr reel. Except, in that picture, I think she’s listening to 1910 Fruitgum Company. She likes the bubblegum.

So, we started with They Might Be Giants’ “No”. She waited patiently for the intro to queue up and then her little foot started a tapping and her hands went up to the headphones like Dionne Warwick in the “That’s What Friends Are For” video and she started belting out:

“Here on Fibber Island la la la la la Rubber guitars! la la la la la Bicycle for hats! la la la la la” I tapped her to remind her that, while she was amazingly cute, she was in public and did not need to shriek the songs at the top of her lungs.

“BUT I CAN’T HEAR ME” she bellowed. So I turned down the volume. We were quickly bored with TMBG and moved on to Wilco for a bit. Then Matilda noticed that we were playing around with the machine and wanted in on the act. So they began to fight over the headphones.

This is the beauty of a mass consumption culture. There was another machine mere feet away. Everyone could be happy and stand there quietly listening to music. So, I went and got a CD that I knew both of them would flip over. Carole King’s “Tapestry”. Yes, the CD with what Gert calls “The Girls Song”, which is “Where You Lead”.

I scanned and started it for Gert and then ran over and did the same for Matilda. The scene unfolded like this:

Gert gets wide-eyed, the same look that a Dead fan would get if Jerry Garcia’s ghost appeared and started singing “Truckin’”.

Gert (loudly): “Wanting you the way I do / I only want to be with you!” I give her the shush sign, because again she was singing at full tilt, so she brings it down a notch. Just a notch.

Ten seconds later, Matilda: “Wanting you the way I do / I only want to be with you!” I tapped her on the shoulder and reminded her we were in public and that she didn’t need to sing at the top of her lungs.

“BUT I CAN’T HEAR ME” she bellowed.

Weren’t we just here?

Meanwhile, Gert has started dancing and singing at the listening station. She’s doing a little butt wiggle and when she gets to the “I always wanted to live in New York City” part, she does a twirl. Better yet, when it gets to the end of the song she starts singing back up too, every “Yeah” and “ooh” is well represented.

Once the dual cuteness was over, and the small crowd we attracted dispersed we gathered our things and headed towards checkout.

“You know,” I said, “this is the exact reason we have Daddy Night. So you guys can do weird things. The type of things that make you uniquely you. Next time we come to Borders and use the listening station, I’m bringing a hat. Because we could have cleared at least a $100 in tips tonight. And I get 10% before the split.”