It occurred to me that while others are afraid of war, more terror attacks, sickness, death and pestilence, I actually fear mutant animals.

No, not frogs with three eyes or the occasional two-headed snakes. But actual, frightening genetic aberrations that strike fear into the hearts of men.

Giant lizards with wet forked tongues that hiss at you would be frightening. One that could swallow your leg if you’re not careful. If it was breathing fire, that would be worse.

Dogs with no eyes that can sense the darkness in your soul. Their wet noses sniffing and pulsating in the air smelling your secret desires.

Winged Wombats with learning disorders. They swoop down to eat you and bring you to Sylvain Learning Center.

But most of all I fear squirrels with fangs. That would be really scary. Those suckers are mean little animals, bent only on satisfying their own hunger. They don’t give a damn about you.

Have you ever seen a squirrel up close? They are frightening. When you get past their cute little fluffy tail, you’ll see that they are muscular. Lithe little machines of death.

Oh goody, the nice lady in white is here with my afternoon meds.

Thorozine take me away!