I’ve damaged my knee somehow. I don’t say “injured” because that would insinuate that I was aware of how I managed to do this. However, I do not know. One day it just started hurting. It’s swollen and painful. Much like my entire high school career.

So, the question is, what do I do? I’m calling the doctor today and I know they are going to ask me about the pain.

Where does it hurt?

The knee.

What does the pain feel like?

Um . . . Pain?

Is it a stabbing pain or a dull ache?

More like a short burst of pain followed by long bouts of pain interrupted by several extended periods of pain.

Is it swollen?

Yes.

How much?

More than usual.

Does it hurt when you move it?

Yes.

How much?

Can I please see the doctor?

No.

Why?

Because you’re mean.

So, the way I figure it I’ll see my doctor who will send me to a doctor who specializes in knees. A kneetologist, or something. That doctor will send me to get X-Rays. Then I’ll have to go back to the second doctor and he’ll tell me that I hurt my knee. After that I’ll either a) have to go for surgery and physical therapy or b) just go for physical therapy.

Physical therapy is terrible. Terrible. I hate it. It’s supposed to help regain strength in the hurt appendage. However, I believe it may have been designed by the Marquis de Sade as a way to slowly torture a reasonable human being and test his limits.

The last time I had PT I was hooked up to an electrical device that shocks my leg muscles so that they jump like crazy. I’m not sure what this device was supposed to do. However, it reminded me of seventh grade when we hooked up a nine-volt battery to the frog we were dissecting.

It jumped.

Ow. My knee hurts. Ow.