Society and fashion mavens have us under their complete control and I’m here to say, “Screw you buddy. You can keep your smart, wrinkle-free pants and your button down light-blue oxford.”

Women don’t realize it, but they have it much better than men (just click on the geek picture to send the hate mail, but please . . . hear me out). Let’s take society’s first, and let’s face it, weirdest, condition. Shaving.

Yes, shaving is a weird requirement. After all, nature made us have hair, both men and women. There are various reasons for this. Warmth, on the most fundamental level is one. Acting as a defense barrier to bugs and what not is another. Besides, if Mother Nature wanted us to have clean-shaven faces and legs and armpits, she would not have invented razor burn.

In fact, at one time a beard was a sign of manhood (for women too, if they were unusually hirsute). And I’m not sure what the historical significance of women being forced to scrape their hair off their legs or duly torture themselves by actually ripping the hair out by the friggin’ FOLICLE actually is. Where did this come from and what is the logic behind it?

However, I still say that women have the distinct advantage in this area. Consider this: If a woman doesn’t want to shave she simply wears pants. If I don’t want to shave what can I wear? A mask? No. Though it is socially acceptable for me to have a “shadow” I can’t go in with two-days growth. Now, there’s the argument that “Well, if it’s one hundred degrees, I’d prefer to wear a nice sun dress or a skirt. So I’ll have to shave.”

To this I say, wah, wah wah. Okay, let’s take heat into consideration. Let’s say it’s 95 degrees outside. Let’s say you are going to an outside wedding. What do you wear?

If you are a woman, you can wear a nice, light dress. Or perhaps a cool sundress. No hose, depending on the shoes you choose. Voila. You’re still hot, but considerably cooler than you could be. You still look good and you’re happy.

Men? Screwed. No matter what the temperature, shirt, tie and jacket. The shirt cannot be short-sleeved, lest you be considered a low-class fool. Let’s go over the uniform. First you put on an undershirt, so that you don’t sweat through to your good shirt. Which, of course, is put on next. That shirt is often pressed and starched. Yes starched. Chemically treated so that it has the consistency of cardboard. Naturally, the shirt must be buttoned all the way up (for the tie), cutting off the circulation to your head. Have you ever been sweating, wearing a starched collar, freshly shaven and try to turn your head? Between the sodium in the sweat, the razor burn and the chafing with the collar, your neck looks like a red beacon for passing aircraft.

Then there’s the tie. Who in the hell came up with this? “Well, I think it looks cool when you tie a piece of cloth around your neck. No, tighter. Tighter. Tighter. Tighter.” The only variations on the tie are the knots (Windsor, Double Windsor, etc.) or you can wear a bow tie. Yes, you too can look like Senator Paul Simon and, you too can be a complete social dweeb.

So, it’s ninety-five degrees and you already have two layers on. Wait! We’re not done! Let’s add a friggin’ coat! In the summer! Three layers!

I don’t wear that many clothes in the winter. And yet, in the summer, it is expected. Somewhere there is someone sitting in Bermuda shorts, drinking a margarita and laughing their ass of at us.

Men's clothes completely defy rationality. At least there is style to consider, right? Well, no. Women get a new set of clothes every year. Cool new designs, more flattering in their shape and fit, different colors, patterns and more.

Men? Well, in the last two centuries our styles have changed thusly: Pattern, width and, periodically, fabric. Our clothes are usually made out of cotton. Sometimes we get rayon, but rarely. In some dire times there is polyester. Other fabrics are reserved for people who are willing to spend $100 on a shirt you’re not allowed to eat, sleep, drink or sweat in.

Oh sure, we can have a shirt that is blue that looks like the one that is white that looks like the shirt that is yellow (but, really, who’d buy it?). To really mix things up we can add a sweater! Yay!

Our pants shift in and out in width. The eighties were the era of tight pants. Now we have loose pants. Someday we’ll go back to tight pants. And then back . . . It's all part of the great circle of pants.

Shoes? Forget it. Women get all the good stuff there. Men have four types of shoes: dress, boots, sandals, and sneakers. If I were to wear my grandfather’s dress shoes, no one would notice. Sure, there are periodic daring feats of shoe revolution, but where does it lead us? Wing Tips.

It’s hard to say if men’s designers are inept or if they are just lazy. But, let’s face it; we’re a long way off from any sort of change. Look at the movie fashions they envision. In Star Wars, women get all these groovy, insane clothes to wear. Men? Well, Luke Skywalker wore, what? Some stupid seventies shirt that looked like he was going to a karate lesson. Han Solo? White shirt, black vest, matching pants. Of course, Han got to change. He also got to wear a white shirt with a blue jacket and matching pants. And a white shirt with a blue jacket with gold piping and matching pants. Jedis? They wear robes and look like a bunch of scruffy guys who get out of bed late and go bowling a lot.

Look, there is more pressure on women to look good in our society. I do not deny that. However, they have more options. The world is open to them to experiment and find a style. My only option is mixing and matching different shirts with different pants.

Of course, who am I to complain? My daily uniform is either jeans or shorts with various Disney-themed t-shirts. I do mix it up sometimes. I might throw in an Elvis Costello shirt or a Roger Waters shirt. Maybe a surf shop shirt. It tends to throw people off.