I had the weirdest damn weekend. And I learned much more than a father ever should about his children. It scares me and I think I want to go home. Except I am home and there’s no escape from the knowledge.

It all started on Friday when we all settled down to watch the Monsters, Inc. DVD. Never mind the fact that we’ve been singing, “Put that thing back where it came from or so help me” ever since. That’s beside the point. Rather, it was baby Gertrude that provided the evening’s entertainment.

As soon as the movie started, she pressed her face up against the TV screen and started squealing in delight. Now, I don’t think she was excited about seeing the latest Pixar masterpiece in its full digital glory. Though she should. Rather, I believe she was like an old hippie who just found an acid flashback buried deep in the fatty cells in her brain. She tripped and was amazed at all the pretty colors.

She abandoned the movie soon enough and left Matilda and I to enjoy the show for what it was. Now, I know the movie was slammed for having a little too much emotional pastiche and overly cutesy little Boo. However, that’s what I loved about the movie. There were some amazingly touching, human moments in a film filled with monsters. For example, the slow development of the relationship between Sully and Boo. You can actually see him beginning to love this little being. And you can see that unconditional love on her face. Though this big blue monstrosity should frighten her, she sees him as a protector. Rarely in a film, much less an animated film, do you see such a deep relationship develop. But, leave it to Pixar to do so. These guys know characters and story.

The ending shot tears me apart. Both for its emotional content and its artistry. A slightly sullen Sully has been given the chance to see his beloved Boo once again. The shot is just of Sully’s face and you hear Boo’s term of endearment for Sully, “Kitty!” Sully’s face erupts into a smile of sheer joy. And the animators captured this feeling with the beautiful melting from unsure to rapture with an ease and care that showed that this moment was as important for them as it was for the characters. When Sully smiles you can almost feel his breath being taken away at his sheer enjoyment of the moment. Kudos to the entire Pixar staff for developing such a beautiful moment. A moment that makes you tear up because of its emotional honesty.

But I digress. Matilda and I were watching the movie and laughing really hard and clutching each other for comfort during the scary parts. Then we came to a scene that made us look at each other with mischief and goofy intentions. At one point Sully is throwing Monster Cheerios to Boo and she catches them in her mouth. When she wants another one, she opens her mouth and yells, “Ah!” Matilda and I looked at each other and then over to Baby Gertrude who was chewing on the wall with an intensity that no one truly understands. In that moment, Matilda and I knew exactly what our number one priority would be for the coming months. Training her little sister to catch Cheerios in her mouth.

And this plays perfectly into Gertrude’s latest developmental tic. She thinks she’s a dog. It started off with a simple panting with her tongue sticking out. We thought that was cute. But now she picks up a little rubber ball with her mouth and runs around the house growling. Matilda even taught her to play fetch.

But that betrays her human side as well. She got her first baby doll this weekend. A cast off from big sister. The doll is mostly naked and grotesquely out of proportion. But Gertrude clearly adores this doll. She picks it up and kisses it and loves it. Then she body slams it and jumps on top of it. I think it’s a mixture of love and fear. She feels the need to nurture the baby doll, but not at her own expense. She needs to let it know that she’s still the boss.

Sunday we went to a skating party that Matilda was invited to. First of all, I didn’t know they even had skating parties anymore. Secondly, Matilda was the only girl from her class invited.

I didn’t think anything of this at first. She’s a cute girl and very popular at school. But, until I talked to some other parents I hadn’t realized. One mother told me that Matilda had broken many hearts last year by turning down several marriage proposals. I assured this mother that Matilda is too young to get married. We’re waiting until she’s at least ten.

But I was horror struck. She hadn’t told me. I knew she was popular. She’s a cute, likable kid. But to have all these boys fawning over her, with an empty look as if their souls had been sucked out. For two hours boys were calling her, pushing her (sign of affection) and she just la-di-da ignored them. Thereby, of course, encouraging their amorous attention even further.

Ahhhh! No! Not my little girl. One boy was poking her in the shoulder as she gently ignored him. I told him to stop. He asked why. I towered over him and said, “I eat little boys for breakfast.” He ran away shrieking.

I held baby Gertrude most of the time, enjoying the platitudes of the other parents. Oh she’s so cute. So well behaved. She walks so well for a ten-month old. Blah blah blah.

One mom told me she couldn’t even remember when her kids were this young. I told her that maybe she should have video taped them more often. She stared at me wondering if I was joking or not. I didn’t give her an indication either way.

Gertrude, again, looked like she was wasted on LSD. The walls were painted with day-glo planets and stars, shining in the black lights and shimmering with thumping bass.

Gertrude walked around, touching the stars on the walls, trying to grab the glowing planets off the carpet. She was having fun. Then she fell to all fours and started licking the walls.

So, I picked her up and put her on my shoulders. She licked my ear, growled, panted like a puppy and laughed.

I live in a Dave Berry column.