Here’s How it Went

First off, Stereogum is just plain evil for posting this. I’ve been listening all morning and, well, I have to admit that it’s strangely brilliant. Hell, I love Shatner for all his campy goodness and egotistical puffery. To hear! Him! Sing! Common! People! Is! Simply! Brilliant!

Anyway, here’s how it went . . .

Matilda came home from school Tuesday and we chatted for a bit. She went into her room, where I had placed the Hilary Duff CD on her pillow. I heard her gleefully tearing into the packaging and squealing with excitement. She came running down the hallway yelling, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You are the BEST daddy in the entire world!” and she jumped into my arms and hugged me hard.

The sheer joy was infectious. In fact, it managed to trickle throughout the entire house. We all became happy and we sang and danced as we listened to Matilda’s new CD. And, for a brief, shining moment, Hilary Duff’s eponymous CD outshone Brian Wilson’s master work.

Okay. That’s how it happened in my head. Here’s how it really went down.

Matilda came home from school Tuesday and we chatted for a bit. She went into her room, where I had placed the Hilary Duff CD on her pillow. I heard her quietly tearing into the packaging. I waited in the kitchen for her to excitedly come out and excitedly tell me thank you.

I waited five minutes. Then ten. Nothing. Fifteen minutes passed and she went and watched TV without saying a word. So I went back to work. Five o’clock rolled around and I made dinner, still nothing. We chatted about what we were going to eat, but she never mentioned the disc. Mom came home, and nothing. We ate dinner and, nothing. I was steadfast in my refusal to say anything. I did something nice, damn it, and I expected her to, oh I don’t know, thank me.

Mom, however, had different ideas. As they were preparing to go to their knitting group Mom, exercising the subtlety of a hooker with a “Buy one get one free” sandwich board said, “Why don’t you bring a CD with you to listen to in the car.”

A light went on above Matilda’s head. She went to her room, got the CD and showed it to Mom.

“Where’d you get that,” Mom asked.

“It was on my bed.”

“And did it occur to you where it might have come from?”

“Yeah, I figured Daddy put it there.”

“And . . .”

“Oh. Thanks dad.”

I know, in her own way, she was excited. And I know she was honestly appreciative. Just not . . . effusive. Or emotional at all. But in her way, she was happy about what I did.

I just didn’t get the reaction I wanted. And, I suppose, the days of her little girl glee are over. But, still . . . I suppose I could dream.

And I have the dog. Hell, he has that little girl excitement every time I walk into the room.

“You’re HERE! Great! Want to play ball? Want to pet me? Want to rub my belly? Want to play chase? I’ll wrestle! I can wrestle! Let me sniff your ass! I’ll shove my snout in your crotch! I haven’t seen you since you left the room for the kitchen. I love you! Woo hoo! Oops. I peed on the floor.”