Gary's Pate o'Bitterness Pt. 4

Hang on to your hats. Rumor has it that we are in for a celestial event heretofore unheard of in our times. For the next few weeks Jupiter, Mars, Mercury, Saturn and Venus will be aligned.

I hope somebody fixes the crystal before it’s over. Otherwise the evil Skekses will last forever.

Apparently this will not happen again until 2040, which in celestial terms is equal to an eye blink. To us mortals, however, it’s very exciting. This just doesn’t happen.

I see you’re having a hard time understanding this. Okay, I’ll put it into terms we can all understand.

Imagine you and your coworkers decide to go out for lunch and you all agree on an eatery on the first attempt.

That’s how amazing this is!

Actually, beyond how cool it’ll look in the sky, this isn’t all that scientifically interesting. It’s not like a supernova or a comet passing by or one of those asteroids that NEARLY MISS THE EARTH (but we tell you two days later). Those are SIGNIFICANT events. This is a minor event, for which astronomers have coined the term “neato.”

How insignificant is it to those of us who don’t believe that with this alignment we’ll suddenly be able to converse with our dogs? Well . . . it’s like seeing four red cars in a row on the highway. Statistically, odds are against it happening are high. Realistically, it’s jut not all that interesting.

Essentially what we’re saying is this, “AH! All the planets are on the same plane! AH!” It looks cool, but means very little.

Yes, I’m railing against this because it isn’t science. It’s the Universe’s ability to make a straight line. Nature has proven, time and again, that it is capable of coloring inside the lines. Yet we get excited about this.

OOOH! Planets in a line! Wow!

Oooh! A vehicle that can travel 15 miles on 5 cents of energy that could let us become a society based on intermediate distances rather than being forced to choose between walking or driving! Wow! A revolutionary mode of transportation! Oh, it’s just a friggin’ scooter.

Yeah, well. . . . Dean Kamen’s brain could kick your ass.