gra·tu·i·ty
n. pl. gra·tu·i·ties
A favor or gift, usually in the form of money, given in return for service.

Got that? It’s a favor or a gift in return for a service. It is not expected, nor required. Do you understand? Now put your damn tip jar away.

Why is this the sudden rage? Everywhere you go there is a jar with a hand written note saying “Tips” pasted to it. Generally, these are counter-service related places like sandwich shops and coffee joints.

It’s always galled me that I have to tip a bartender for filling a glass with a beer. Now the pimply little bastard behind the counter of Starbucks, with his grimy “hipper-than-thou” mussed up hair and pasty white skin expects me to donate a portion of my change to him and his cohorts?

They are making coffee, for Christ’s sake. It’s a service I perform at home for free. Or, if I need coffee on the road, I can stop off at 7-11 and pour my own cup.

But, this is Starbucks, the flannel home of the disenfranchised youth and last refuge for persecuted Yuppies of old. This is special coffee. Coffee that is over-roasted and over-brewed. This is coffee that costs a buck eighty per cup. Quite the bargain, if you live in Antarctica. However, in a society where there’s a Starbucks on every corner, paying a premium for the McDonalds of the heated beverage world seems exorbitant. Add on to that an extra dime for the talents of the kid behind the counter . . . well, you have a two-dollar cup of Joe there. More than some beer. Not good beer, mind you. But at least beer makes you forget that you’re fat and ugly.

Perhaps I’m being hasty. Maybe I’m not giving enough credence to the talents of this young Barrista. This cowboy of java. Let’s review my order:

One Venti (not large . . . that’s not “cool” enough) brew of the day. No flavor other than what nature intended. A tiny bit of room for cream.

What does Starbucks boy have to do in order to seal the deal?

1. Pick up cup.
2. Place cup under spigot.
3. Pull.
4. Hold cup steady under spigot, lest he risk serious injury.
5. Release spigot.
6. Put top on coffee.
7. Press button that automatically calculates what I owe him.
8. Press button that tallies what I gave him and automatically calculates my change.
9. Hand me change.
10. Look at me with contempt when I dare put my twenty cents back into my pocket.

Elapsed time: 30 seconds. Which, I might add, he is being paid at least $5.75 per hour for.

It’s not a complicated job and he is not making his money on gratuity. He is making a decent wage. If it’s not enough to meet his bills well, get a friggin’ college education.

OH! He is getting a college education? That’s why he’s forced to work a lowly job in the service industry? Well tough crap. Take out a friggin’ loan. That’s what I did when I was in college and working a minimum wage job.

His services extended into the trained monkey range. Not to slight the work he does on more complicated fru-fru coffee drinks. Steam my milk and I’ll consider a dime tip. MAYBE.

You see, I reserve gratuities for a) skilled workers or b) true service related jobs. Not filling my coffee cup one time and ringing it up on the register. No extra mile gone. Nothing special offered to me.

This has me wondering. Perhaps I should put a tip jar on this site? How much is reading my inane ramblings worth to you?

Yeah, I wouldn’t pay me either.