Gary's Pate o'Bitterness, Pt. 2

Recently somebody said to me “the media serves us our news like a fast food meal. Get it quick and finish it.”

I agree with her. If you get your news from television. You see, television shows only have so much time allotted to them in order to tell you about the day’s events. And, guess what? Usually that news is more complicated than “bomb go boom and people go ow.” Sadly, the television news only has space for that sort of reporting.

Plus, television is a visual medium. Ifin’ they don’t have pitchers to back up they’s words they ain’t gone to talk ‘bout it.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. There is something called a “newspaper.” In this newspaper, there or stories about the news. And the stories are written in order to give you more depth and insight into the events. Neat huh?

There’s a draw back, though. The pictures in the newspaper don’t talk for you (except in the funnies) and you might actually have to practice your reading comprehension in order to understand what is being said.

I’ll help you with this handy-dandy guide to big words and phrases in the paper.

Suicide Bomber – splodeydope

Congress – Law Hookers

Collateral Damage – Oops. Bomb go boom in the wrong place.

Flat Tax – It’ll never work.

Liberal Bias – Just blame it on Berkeley. Or those damn hippies raising their kids to be fruity nuts.

Pop Music – Don’t bother. It’s tripe. Once, in the sixties and seventies, “pop” meant something. Now the word only means “Corporate Crap.”

Good luck with your assignment. Go read the news. It may be more work than the fast food version of news that you’re used to, but you just might find it’s worth it. You might be a little more informed.

And, no, USA Today does not count as a newspaper. That’s Weekly Reader for adults.